Recovering from Britmums Live 2015 and still marvelling at the sheer volume of mummy bloggers, their chutzpah, their confidence and their blogging prowess, I am sat in my 'writing chair' (mine in the day, the Husband's in the evening) trying to 'inspire, educate, entertain' and many of the other goals discussed over the weekend.
Except I can't.
Nope. It's an inset day and Caitlin and Ieuan are out playing in the garden whilst I sit here and feel what can best be termed as "extreme blogger guilt". The Husband is in the loft working from home today before flying off to Europe on business tomorrow. There is a kind of irony in that fact. He is being paid and therefore has no qualms in focusing solely on his job. He will appear as referee and sounding board for both the kids and I if need be, but he has none of the accompanying guilt I feel.
I, on the other hand, am somewhat confused about what I should be focusing on.
If you are a 'stay at home mother', even if you work from home (or are trying to create a new job role for yourself), it feels as if your 'job' is to focus entirely on the children.
Don't get me wrong. I chose this. And yes, I'm bloody lucky.
But the boundaries are all mixed up. I watch the kids play from the french doors' window and think "I should be out there with them. I am missing valuable moments of their childhood which I will never have again"
The blogger in me says "yes, but you are not just a mum. It is OK for you to try to re-establish yourself in the World, to create a niche, make the most of your education and help your husband to secure your kids' future (and, alright, to have some blogging-related fun times along the way).
It is not that wall-to-wall childcare is difficult in terms of 'technical ability' but the occasional mundanity and the sheer repetition can really grind you down - particularly if you have just had a (rare) two day break away from your kids and can just about still remember what it was like to have nobody to answer to but yourself, nobody else to worry about and nobody else's expectations to dash apart from your own!
The Husband has not had to make this choice and I'm not sure he altogether understands how vast a choice it feels like I have made sometimes.
Organisation is the key, I suppose. A timetable which allows me to focus on time with the kids and time blogging. The solutions are there - practicality should be my watchword.
But even then, I'm not sure it will heal the rift I feel between me as a mother and me as the professional working woman I once was.
I don't think I have ever felt more conflicted.