Much as I love the cinema, I do find taking the kids a bit challenging.
Here’s why. Perhaps you can relate?
1. Both children will firmly deny needing a wee before the film starts
2. They will make this denial at the top of their lungs in a lengthy ticket queue
3. At the ticket desk, both children will claim they are there to see a completely different film. (Last time Caitlin announced she was there to see “Fifty Shades of Grey”).
4. If left to fill their own pick ‘n’ mix bags, each bag will be worth at least £7.50
5. Neither bag will contain any sweets I actually like.
6. Any bagged sweets I buy will be the ‘wrong’ sweets.
7. Any drink provided will be drained within the first 5 minutes of sitting down and at least 20 minutes before the film starts.
8. The lid of any take-away drink purchased will not fit.
9. Within 5 minutes of the film starting (i.e. after 30 minutes of adverts), Caitlin will announce she has a tummy ache but does NOT want to go to the toilet.
10. Within 10 minutes of the film starting, Caitlin will admit she might want to go to the toilet.
11. After a further 5 minutes of voices hushed to violent hissing, Caitlin will agree to go to the toilet if “one of us holds her hand in the cubicle” and on the basis that there is no automatic flush.
12. We leave for the toilet during a pivotal moment in the film’s plot.
13. When we get there, she can’t go.
|The kids always enjoy a snack after the cinema|
14. When we get back to our seats, Ieuan will announce to the auditorium that he is hungry. He refuses anything made by Cadburys and demands fruit. Which we have forgotten to bring.
15. Having drained an extra large diet coke, I now have to go to the toilet.
16. The family behind us have all brought coats suitable for a nuclear winter and have created a barricade of furry parka and anorak behind our heads.
17. They are all eating crisps. Loudly.
18. Caitlin will now announce, a propos of nothing in general that “I feel lonely”.
19. Ieuan will burst into tears as soon as anything vaguely sad happens and sob uncontrollably on his father’s lap. He will then demand to go home immediately.
20. On the other hand, he will laugh extremely loudly at all the unfunny bits.
21. Thanks to the diet coke, I have to go to the toilet again.
22. When I get back, the film has ended, the lights are switched back on but it still takes me 10 minutes to find the rest of the family. I generally have no idea how the film ended.
Needless to say, the kids have had a lovely time and are booking their next film screening on the way to the car!
I spend the journey home waiting for my hearing to return and longing to clean my teeth.