This week I’m talking about dating by text (again!), whether a man should stay ‘buff’ to keep a relationship and what to do when your annoying mate phones you at 2 am.
If you would like any advice, feel free to message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.
Here’s this week’s questions.
Q: Do I break off our relationship?
From day 1 she made it clear she’d only stay around if I get buff. I am 6′4 and 170 and we have been going out for 1 year. She loves all my personal traits,but her number 1 condition is me being more macho. I want to be loved for who I am first and then work on my muscles. Her sine qua non is my buffness.
A: If there’s something you do need to develop, it’s not a six pack – it’s a backbone.
I’m guessing quite a few women will be rather amused at your ‘dilemma’ because many women are treated like this all the time – and it’s not pleasant.
My question to you is why do you want to be with a woman for whom your only value is as a living embodiment of Barbie’s boyfriend Ken?
You say you want to be loved for who you are first. I’d suggest you need to love you a little more too. Ask yourself, why am I putting up with this?
Is your girlfriend a stunner? Are you with her because you too value appearance over personality?
If so, it’s hardly surprising you’ve attracted someone who mirrors that kind of shallow attitude.
Don’t put up with being treated like an object. Tell her you’ll keep your body the way that makes you happy and if she doesn’t like it there are gyms all around the country for her to find her next trophy.
Q: My girlfriend is very insecure (she looked through my whole phone when I left it at her house) and expects me to be completely open to her about everything in my life. But when it comes to her phone, she’s secretive about the people she texts. What should be my next move?
A: Well firstly you need to tell her that openness is a two way street and, whether she is insecure or not, if you are expected to report back on every contact then she should also be more forthcoming with who she is texting.
I wonder if you have done anything to increase her insecurity – if that is really what it is. Lots of people experience a twinge of jealousy in a romantic relationship. That’s quite normal.
Has she ever done anything apart from go through your phone – was that a one-off? Does she check up on you, phone you at work, follow you, check your receipts?
These are behaviours which indicate an unhealthy jealousy.
I wonder also if you object to feeling ‘tied down’. It is reasonable of her to want to know what you are doing within reason. If you are resentful at having to tell her then I’d suggest you might want to think about whether this is the right relationship for you.
Q: If I like daily texts/communication from men and the new guy I’m dating is silent for 1-2 days after a date, is it time to find a new man?
A: If frequent and probably meaningless texting is what defines a relationship for you then, yes, this one is probably not a keeper.
Personally, having to check in every day would drive me nuts but everyone’s different.
Perhaps he’s busy or has other stuff going on in his life. Perhaps his focus is not on relationships right now and he just wants to have fun.
1–2 days is hardly vanishing off the planet. After a week, possibly but perhaps he doesn’t want to seem too keen.
I do think you need to relax a bit and give him a chance. Otherwise you risk jeopardising what could be a great relationship because he won’t play the game your way.
Why not try to find a man you can really trust so that you don’t feel so insecure if you don’t get that daily text?
Texting proves nothing you know. It’s actions that count.
Q: Why didn’t my first date in Manhattan help me get a cab after dinner when he tried to kiss me and I politely declined?
I told him I never kiss on a first date. The date was less than two hours so I barely know him. He texted right after when I found my own cab to say he had fun and to let him know when I got home.
A: I’m not sure what the problem is here.
The guy texted you to say he had fun and to ask you to let him know you got home safely.
Perhaps he assumed you weren’t that interested when you declined to kiss him.
And, as you say, it was less than 2 hours so he doesn’t really know you either.
It sounds like you are trying to find a reason not to see him again – or your expectations for a first date might be a little too high.
Chivalry is a rare thing these days and at least you got a follow up call.
Q: My friend called me at 2 am to annoy me. How can I get back at him?
A: Well assuming you are both older than 12, why don’t you just switch your phone off at night, block his number, change your number or change your friend.
It’s not really difficult is it?
But if you start retaliating, he will just do something else to annoy you.
You don’t say why he does it – is he just being an idiot or have you done something to really annoy him?
If you value the friendship, I think you need to sort this out – or find a new friend.
Q: How long should a “break” be in a relationship where she asks for a break but doesn’t want a break up?
A: To be honest if someone asked me for a ‘break’, I’d assume the relationship was over.
Otherwise, giving someone “time-off” to go and sleep with other people makes a mockery of your relationship.
You don’t say why she wants a break – that is more important than deciding how long the break should be.
What ‘conditions’ will this break have? Will she be dating others and sleeping with them?
I would tell her that if she wants a break that’s fine but don’t expect to find you waiting for her when the novelty wears off.
And go and have fun yourself.
How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.
All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.