This week I’m talking about mums who prioritise their boyfriends over their kids and what to do when the venue for your second date isn’t as stylish as you’d like.
If you would like any advice, feel free to message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.
Here’s this week’s questions.
Q: What are some of the sly ways your ex-narcissistic lover will use to try and get back with you after the person he dumped you for dumps him?
A: Does it matter what the reasons are or did you mean ways?
Whichever, if you don’t want to get back with this person then you won’t.
I get the sense that you want to make this person pay for dumping you but that will really just stoke their ego further.
Any interest you show them whether good or back will make them think you are still interested.
If you are then you need to ask yourself why you’d want someone back who is just likely to dump you again without any remorse.
If you’re not interested then allow yourself a moment of smugness and move swiftly on.
Q: Should I leave my boyfriend OR ask him to change as he often lets me walk alone in the hotel at 2am (apart from that, he’s a great lover)?
We had a one week trip with friends. I stayed with my female friend and he got a single room. I came to his room every night and then walked back to my room at 2am—there was no one in the hotel, it was too scary for me (from 6th floor to 1st floor). It’s been the 3rd trip like that but he never walks with me.
A: Well you are making it easy for him, aren’t you?
All he has to do is wait for you to turn up and then presumably happily go back to sleep whilst you make the scary journey back to your room alone.
There’s more to being a good boyfriend than just being a great lover – and frankly if he’s happy for you to go back on your own he’s not that great.
How does he treat you otherwise? Is he kind, considerate, thoughtful?
If the answer to that is no, then I’d stop making yourself so available until he learns a little respect.
And what does your female friend think about you leaving her every night? I’ll bet she’s not too thrilled about it either.
Is your boyfriend not prepared to go on a trip with just the two of you? And if not, why not?
You ask whether you should leave your boyfriend but, at the moment, he’s really not behaving like a boyfriend, is he?
Q: Do your misdeeds come back to haunt you in the form of bad luck for you?
A: No – that’s a superstition but perhaps bad luck does follow us when we cause another harm or do a bad deed because we miss the opportunity to be a good person, a kind person, a person of note.
There’s a quote “you don’t have to do the work of the gods” which means that rather than join the wrong-doer by exacting revenge (and possibly doing a misdeed yourself), generally, Karma will sort these people out.
Not always, but often.
Otherwise, I believe the universe is random and we all get a share of luck, both good and bad.
The trick is to recognise which is which.
Q: Why does my people pleasing mum choose boyfriends over her adult kids?
A: There’s a little resentment in the tone of your question and I wonder if this was a theme throughout your childhood?
Some people feel incomplete without a partner because they can’t cope on their own.
Or they have so little self esteem that they need somebody to shore them up.
If a woman’s kids have reached adulthood and left home, she may suffer from “empty nest syndrome” where she literally does not know what to do with herself.
If you want your mum to do something for you, support you, visit you, attend events , listen to you, I would suggest you take her out for a coffee and tell her how you feel (without the boyfriend).
It might be that she doesn’t realise how her actions affect you.
But, since you are adult, you do have to bear in mind that she has the right to live her life as she sees fit – even if her mothering skills are under par.
If her actions are making her embarrassing to be around and others have noticed, does she have a close friend you could get on side to have a chat with her – not to remonstrate but to gently offer some guidance and support?
Q: How many children can you have in your 30’s?
A: Theoretically you could have one every 9 months assuming you conceived immediately afterwards.
Life, of course, isn’t quite like that, particularly since doctors tell us that a woman’s fertility starts to reduce from about 35 onwards – and the risk of birth abnormalities starts to increase year on year.
I had my children at 43 and 45 and I consider myself very lucky. The reason I left it so late was simply because I had not met the right man.
If you are in a happy stable relationship and wondering whether now is the time to try for a baby, that is something you must discuss with your partner.
It also often surprises women how long it takes to conceive. It is frequently not the case of sex and then boom, baby is on its way. It can take a year or more sometimes – depending on your fertility, your partner’s and how healthy you both are.
I would also say that it will be the mother’s life that will be impacted the most in terms of career, health and lifestyle. Babies also, of course, cost a bit of money.
If I had my time over and met my husband in my twenties, I would definitely have started a family then.
I’d advise women entering their thirties to seriously consider how they feel about having kids and when the best time is likely to be.
A thorough medical check-up is also a good idea particularly if you have already had gynae issues such as polycystic ovaries.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that because it is possible to have babies in your forties that it is possible for you.
It’s one of life’s great ironies that although age no longer matters in many areas, we have not yet managed to extend a woman’s natural fertility and assisted reproduction is expensive and not available to all.
Q: I was looking forward to a 2nd date with a man but he doesn’t text much or pursue and chose a cheapy place for dinner. Should I go tonight with him?
I was excited after our date and he texted to ask me out for next week. Then I texted and he took a whole day to answer and doesn’t seem crazy about me. He chose a crappy place for dinner tonight and I like stylish places and he doesn’t even offer to pick me up. Am I just anxious and feel pressure?
A: There’s a lot of focus in your question about how much the man is going to spend.
You say he chose a “cheapy place” for dinner and that you like “stylish places”.
Perhaps he does not earn much money and, if he suspects that you just want his company just for a nice dinner in a stylish place, I’m afraid he won’t be pursuing you too hard. No man wants to be treated like a meal ticket.
Taking a whole day to answer is hardly a crime either – I’m assuming this man has a job and other responsibilities?
After just one date you hardly know each other so if you really like this man then give him a chance.
There’s no reason why you couldn’t suggest a more stylish place if you make it to a third date, is there?
Or, if he is strapped for cash, offer to cook him a meal?
If, though, after the second date, he still seems uninterested and he doesn’t ensure you get home safely then I’d assume he really isn’t that keen.
How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.
Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.
Midlife mum from Cardiff. Wine Imbiber. Likes glitter, fluff and olives. Approaching tweendom with Caitlin (11) and Ieuan (10). The husband is hiding in the loft.
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