Problem Page Edition 16 2017

This week – handling commitment issues, spotting the signs of pregnancy and what to do when you can’t stop sleeping with your ex student.

Couple on a boardwalk looking over a lake and surrounded by mountains

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week’s questions.

Q: Should I stop casually dating this single mother all together? 

We’ve been having consistent casual sex for over a month ever since she moved close by. She has a 2-year-old toddler (boy) whose father isn’t involved much. What I don’t like is that she continually brings up step-dad talk even after I reject the role. She’s a cool person, but should I drop her?

A:I’m intrigued that you are ‘rejecting the step dad talk’ after just a month. 

Has she specifically mentioned this or are you just cheesed off that she rightly prioritises her son and his needs? 

This doesn’t sound as if it’s going anywhere and frankly if it’s just sex you’re after I’d move on before you mess with her, and her son’s feelings. 

If you date a woman with children, you can’t expect the child to take second place.

Q: I haven’t been in touch with my ex for a month (We just broke up) seems like he has had a new date already. Should I wish him happy birthday?

A: If you were the dumper as opposed to the dumpee and your ex took it badly, or you think there may be a chance of getting back together, then I would say absolutely. 

If you are hurting or want to send him the greeting to cast a little shade over his new relationship, I’m not sure it’s a good idea. 

Of course, after a little more time has passed, wishing your ex a happy birthday if you are on amicable terms is the mature thing to do, but this all sounds a little too soon and ever so slightly raw. 

Incidentally, the fact that he has a new date doesn’t mean much. Some men can’t stand to be on their own for two minutes. 

Without knowing the exact circumstances of your break-up it’s hard to advise more fully but I would let things lie this year and if he wants you back let him do the running.

Q: How soon will I know if I am pregnant?

A: Missing a period and possibly more than one period is the most reliable way to find out – although an over the counter pregnancy test will be 99.999% accurate and you can do a test after your first missed period. 

Some women do just know though – I had strange cramping in my uterus and felt tired and weepy.

It’s easier to know on the second pregnancy though. 

There are plenty of other signs – tender breasts, spots, frequent urination, increased discharge, light spotting (as opposed to the fuller flow of a period). 

If you are trying to get pregnant, make sure you are making healthy changes to your lifestyle and not stressing to give yourself the best chance – no booze, cigarettes, more exercise…. the usual common sense advice. 

And don’t expect to have sex once in a blue moon and then get pregnant first time. It may take a year or longer to conceive. It’s not necessarily the automatic process you think it is. 

If you think it is taking too long, see your GP to make sure you and your partner are in the fullest of health and whether any further investigation is needed.

Q: How do I handle a girl with commitment issues? 

We’ve been seeing each other for nearly 2 months. We’re exclusive and lately she’s been very intimate and likes to cuddle a lot and kiss more in public which she didn’t like to do before. However, she doesn’t want to label anything and would rather take things slow. How should I handle this?

A: 2 months is really a very short time and you probably don’t yet know each other very well beyond the initial attraction. 

You sound very keen and desperate to announce your relationship to all and sundry. She, on the other hand, does not. 

I think she is perfectly sensible to want to take things slowly. Perhaps she has been hurt before or she is mature enough to know that the initial passion can fizzle out leaving the relationship dead in the water if there is no solid friendship behind it. 

If, on the other hand, she won’t acknowledge your relationship to at least her family and closest friends, I would be a little suspicious. 

You use the term ‘exclusive’ – are you sure she’s not just trying to keep her options open? 

The only thing you can do is have a frank and open conversation about whether you really are exclusive but at just 2 months in, I don’t think you should be pushing for a firm commitment. 

Q: I slept with my ex student. I am married with kids. My body really craves for him. Is it normal?

A: I’m intrigued that you seem to ask completely the wrong question. 

Is it normal is really not the issue. Infidelity happens all the time. We know this and it does not excuse it. 

What you are really asking is can you justify sleeping with your ex student because your hormones are talking louder than your brain.

And the answer to that one is no.

But you know that, don’t you? 

To potentially throw away a marriage and embarass the hell out of your kids for a brief moment of passion doesn’t seem like much of an exchange to me. 

And as a mature woman, using the ‘my body made me and I can’t help myself’ card is a little lame, don’t you think? 

I sense that you are really miserable but unless you want to make things far worse (surely there’s a lack of professionalism in sleeping with an ex student too), I would quietly say goodbye to your fling, hope your husband doesn’t find out and focus on what you would lose if this all came to light. 

You’re human – of course you are – but if you’re looking for validation that you are still attractive and sexy, it’s your relationship with your husband that needs working on.

Don’t judge yourself too harshly but for heavens sake take a moment and think.

How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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