Why Do I Keep Getting Friend Zoned? Problem Page

This week a reader asks “why do I keep getting friend zoned”, whether asking someone out two nights in a row is desperate and how much advice is wise before it causes trouble between a warring couple?

Man in grey jumper and woman wrapped in grey blanket on a beach - why do I keep getting friend zoned

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

In this edition:

  • when he tells you to smile more
  • is asking someone out two nights in a row desperate?
  • why do I keep getting friend zoned?
  • when she asks you if she should split up with her boyfriend
  • when she wants you to be proud of her for quitting smoking?

Question: My guy friend always pressures me to be more social or smile more, is this too controlling or does he just really care for my social well being?

Answer: I’m not clear whether you mean a boyfriend or just a friend who’s a guy. And I’m curious why this man feels you have to smile more.

Are you shy and introverted? Are you unhappy? Shyness can make us come across as miserable in social situations when actually all we are is anxious. And that’s very, very normal you know.

I have to say it does sound a little controlling, depending on HOW he is pressuring you.

There’s a saying in the UK “cheer up love, it’ll never happen” where blokes who consider themselves to be witty incite women who won’t return their attention to smile and acknowledge them.

Do you think there’s a little of that going on here?

Do you look as if you really don’t enjoy this man’s company? That won’t reflect well on him you know. And if you really don’t enjoy his company, why are you hanging around with him?

I get the feeling this ‘friendship’ has run its course and you either need to tell him to shut up and that you’ll behave as you see fit thanks, or find people to hang out with who are kinder, more supportive and accept you as you are.

I also suspect this man may want more than friendship and gets narky when you don’t seem to be having a whale of a time with him.

Time to stand up for yourself and be honest.

Question: I had a great time and spent the night with a girl I just met. Is it too desperate to ask her out for a second consecutive night?

Answer: It depends on what type of relationship she thinks you’re having.

If it’s just no ties sex then there’s no problem but if she is looking for a longer term relationship, I think she might think you’re treating her as a booty call.

Equally, if that’s all you’re looking for you need to be upfront about that as well.

In general, though, I think too much too soon can be the kiss of death for many relationships.

Why not take the time to get to know each other properly and enjoy the dating stage?

Question: I’m a normal girl. Why do I keep getting friend zoned every time by every guy I have a crush on? What should I do?

Answer: I think you need to relax and take a step back.

It may be that you are coming across as too keen and scaring the guys off.

Are you picking guys who are unavailable because, at heart, you don’t really want a relationship?

You don’t HAVE to be in a relationship you know. If you are living life your own way, being happy and enjoying your own company you will be far more attractive to guys than if you come across as desperate for a boyfriend.

Are these guys already attached? This may make them seem ‘safe’ because there’s less of a chance they’ll hook up with you.

Crushes are pretty immature things – it’s what youngsters tend to feel when they are testing their feelings and finding their way in the relationship jungle.

Why not give yourself a little more time and think about the type of guy who is right for you.

Whilst you’re doing that build your confidence, go out and enjoy yourself and you’ll probably find you’ll find a guy who is right for you.

Question: Why would a female friend ask you if she should break up with her boyfriend because she is having problems with him?

I’m one of her platonic guy friends and she often confides in me with her problems with her boyfriend. She says that he is very jealous but she is just as jealous with him. We’re good friends though and she has asked me outright what I think she should do.

Answer: If she has a number of platonic guy friends it’s not totally surprising her current boyfriend isn’t too happy about that, is it?

It sounds to me like she enjoys male attention and is probably quite happy with her current boyfriend.

If I were you I would avoid wading in with advice and just be quietly supportive.

Tell her that if he doesn’t make her happy, then she doesn’t need to stay with him.

But it’s not your place to make that decision for her and that’s really what you should be telling her.

Don’t you have a relationship of your own to concentrate on?

Question: A girl I know asked me, “Are you proud of me,” because she quit smoking. Why?

I’ve been friends with her for a while now, We kind of dated when we first met, we talk to each other about very personal things. I know she’s been trying to quit smoking, about a month ago she finally did. We stopped talking as much recently, she asked me the other day, It just seemed weird to me.

Answer: Why would it seem weird? You surely know how difficult it is to give up smoking.

All she is doing is looking for some sort of recognition from you and a simple ‘well done’.

It may be that she is looking for more of a relationship than you are prepared to let happen, in which case, you need to set her straight, rather than let her build up her hopes by trying to impress you.

How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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