Problem Page Edition 25 2017

This week – when your precocious 5 year old wants to be a celebrity YouTuber, when you expect all your romances to be like Disney and when you fall for someone with a ‘horrible and shady’ past.

man alone about to enter the sea at the beach

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week’s questions.

QMy daughter is five & wants a YouTube channel; she says she wants to be a star. I think that five is definitely too young for that. What should I do?

A: Who is the parent here? Are you really taking instruction from a 5 year old? You are fully aware, I’m sure, of the risks exposing such a young child on the internet.

As a parenting blogger I write about my children and they occasionally appear on a short video which is uploaded to YouTube but it is MY channel and I carefully monitor what appears – obviously nothing suggestive and no nudity.

You have to be really careful these days.

Explain to your daughter that stars have to work hard to be discovered and they very often have talents other than singing, dancing or pretending to be a beauty queen.

In any case, I’m pretty sure YouTube’s community standards would be firmly against a 5 year old having their own channel. The minimum age for other socal media is around the 13 year old mark.

Time for you to put your foot down.

If you really think your child is a budding talent (and EVERY parent thinks that about their kids), then perhaps look in to modelling agencies or similar but I think you have to ask yourself who really wants your daughter to be a star? Is it possible that it’s really you?

Q: How do I apologize to a female friend for accusing her of cheating in a test?

A: Did you accuse her in private or did you denounce her as a cheat in front of a crowd of her friends.

Hopefully, you were relatively subtle about it in which case you should just say ‘sorry, the stress of the test got to me. I was an idiot, sorry for doubting you’.

If you have accused her publicly then you might have a bit more work to do – starting off with publicly apologising in front of the same crowd.

I’m curious though, what made you think she was cheating? And are you sure she definitely didn’t? If she’s mad at you then apologise but if she is quite quiet about it, I would be tempted to draw a veil over the whole incident and just move on without referring to it again.

Q: How can I emotionally break my childish Disney-esque romanticized view of true love & soul mates?

I understand, logically, that there are many compatible partners for me in the world. But, emotionally, when I meet someone, I long for the romanticized instant soul mate connection you only see in films and books. Then I unconsciously ruin what could be a great real connection with someone new.

A: Whilst you might not be hit by a ‘bolt from the blue’ when you meet the right person, very often I think things just ‘feel right’ if that person is for you.

So, whilst I agree that Disney has a lot to answer for in terms of its romantic notions of love, the world we currently live in can be so dull, so grey, so unpleasant that I don’t think holding on to that dream is so bad you know.

What you shouldn’t let yourself do is judge others too harshly, or dismiss them out of hand before you have got to know them, or given them a chance.

That’s not what happened in Beauty and the Beast, is it, after all.

I don’t think you are ‘unconsciously’ ruining things. I get the sense that, at present, you aren’t all that interested in being in a real relationship.

Q: What does it mean when your ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend but doesn’t delete your photos?

A: You have been a part of her life so why should she erase her history? I know that it may hurt but deleting your photos would make her look mean and spiteful, particularly on social media.

It may be there she still harbours some feelings for you but if she seems loved up with her new boyfriend it seems unlikely.

If I were you I’d stop looking at her social media accounts and concentrate on your life – and finding someone new to love.

Q: If he hasn’t texted me in two weeks but is still liking my Instagram pictures, is he just playing with me?

We texted everyday for about a month and then in the middle of a conversation he just read it and stopped replying. This was 2 weeks ago now. There has been no further contact but he continues to like my Instagram pictures.

A: I never understand why people think texting and liking photos on Instagram is a real relationship.

The only way you will find out what is going on is to SPEAK to him.

If he hasn’t texted you in two weeks he doesn’t sound desperately interested and might just be liking your Instagram pictures to tease you or because he’s genuinely interested in your photos.

But really, in terms of a relationship it sounds as if he is wasting your time.

What was in that text that he didn’t reply to? Are you sure there isn’t another reason why he’s stopped texting.

Time to get on the phone to find out once and for all.

Q: Is it possible to get over someone for one month?

There is a guy who had a strong feelings for me at least 1 month ago. Now he acts like he doesn’t care anymore and like I don’t exist. How can I know if he is pretending or if he has really forgotten me? But if he has, is it possible to get over someone so fast?

A: Is it possible that you misinterpreted his feelings for you? Have you confused friendship for romantic interest? 

Sometimes it’s easy enough to do when we are not feeling very confident about ourselves. We read so much more into an innocent smile or gesture.

How do you know he had strong feelings for you? It does seem odd that he could have had a complete change of heart in just a month.

I can’t see why he would be pretending and although I don’t think he has forgotten you, it sounds like he is not interested in a relationship.

Rather than chase after him, your best bet is to quietly get on with your life with dignity and grace. If he’s interested he’ll soon come running – and then you will need to think very carefully about what he needs to do to earn your trust.

Because, if he has truly dumped you after only a month, he has quite a few bridges to build.

Q: If I’m falling for a woman with a horrible and shady past, should I even be thinking about that?

A: It depends what’s in her ‘horrible and shady past’.

If she’s a criminal, possibly not. If you are judging her for having had, for example, a lot of sexual partners, then that’s a different issue. Only you know what your definition of a horrible and shady past is!

It sounds like there is a complete mismatch of morals and values here though which doesn’t bode well for the relationship.

I would steer clear.

How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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