Problem Page Edition 32 2017

This week – when you still miss your ex after 3 months and whether you can still find love at the age of 34.

Man, woman and dog chilling together, problem page edition 32

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week’s questions.

Q: Should I tell my ex about my hidden bad feelings or should I keep trying to maintain our friendship?

I feel spite (she cheated and left me for that guy) and I want to be her friend.  She’s cool and quite alone and has a lot of problems, but I don’t feel like I can listen to those anymore, and I never said it. So it would be a crappy friendship… but I have to get things off my chest

A: It’s not much of a friendship is it, if you’re secretly bubbling with ‘spite’ as you put it.

It sounds more as if you want to keep in contact with her so you can get your revenge at some point.

You either have to forgive her and concentrate on being a good, supportive friend or accept that the relationship has soured and move on.

If you want to get things off your chest write it all down in a letter and then burn it.

She made her feelings clear when she left you for someone else.

Time for you to concentrate on the future, not the past.

 Q: Is it possible for a girl to maintain a friendship with someone who is in love with her? Nothing more? Or is she getting something more out of it?

She is already in a relationship. She loves her boyfriend, She respects the other guy, although she turns him down every time he tries to tell her that he loves her, but she never avoids him or tries to cut him out of her life.  But when he tries to cut her out of his life, she tries to make him  stay.

A: You wouldn’t happen to be the ‘other guy’ in this scenario would you?

This girl is understandably confused because she has two men vying for her affection and she doesn’t want to hurt either of them.

She does need, however, to make a choice and not lead the second man on.

You say she tries to make him stay when he tries to leave. Surely he needs to be a little firmer and tell her clearly that he will be back when she has made her choice, or is single.

Because if her current boyfriend knows about this, he might not be around for long.

Man 2 needs to find someone else to date and get on with enjoying his life, rather than playing second fiddle to her boyfriend and her need to feel adored.

Q: Do you think a parent has the right to restrict their child’s vocabulary?

The parent says “I pay the bills, so you do as I say”. Do you think that they can restrict the child’s vocabulary on this basis?

When I say restrict vocabulary, I mean swearing. And it’s not a question of their opinion on the word, as they swear often.

A: No I don’t, necessarily. But if we are talking about swearing, using obscenities and generally disrespectful language then yes I do.

My kids are 9 and 8 and love to push the boundaries by using swear words to shock and get a reaction.

That’s pretty normal at their age I think.

But I tell them that it isn’t acceptable, when they have their own homes they can swear all they like and actually talking like that doesn’t make them seem all that intelligent.

Some people don’t bother about swearing and that’s fine. But lots do and if you are going out into the working world or dealing with older people, you need to learn when it is appropriate.

It’s all about fitting in as an adult – and growing up.

Q: Why do I still miss my ex after 3 months?

I feel stupid for missing him because he broke up with me over the fact that I have a child. I hate that I miss him. We were together for 3 yrs – my daughter was one when we got together. How can I erase him from my mind? Maybe date others? I feel that I can never forgive myself for being with him.

A: Very often we can’t help who we love and that your ex turned out to be unable to cope with step-fatherhood is not your fault.

Your daughter is now 4, is that right? In your shoes I would be livid that he had spent the last 3 years building a relationship with my daughter only to abandon her when, presumably, the novelty wore off.

Isn’t that what you should be focusing on?

I am sure everyone is telling you you can do a lot better. You don’t need to throw yourself into dating. Take some time off to spend with your daughter.

Are you sure your daughter is the only reason he left? It sounds a bit out of the blue. Were you hoping to start a new family with him? Isn’t there more to it?

Time to get angry on behalf of your daughter and vow that your next man will be worthy of both you – and her.

Q: Is monitoring your girlfriend’s phone after she cheats with an app wrong if that app gave information about more cheating that she didn’t admit to?

A: Has she confessed to any of it?

In your shoes, I wouldn’t be faffing around with her phone, I’d be looking for a new girlfriend.

If she is still cheating this isn’t really going anywhere is it?

I understand your need to check her out (I’m assuming this is Tinder) but I’m not sure what will be achieved, other than you feeling more hurt and betrayed.

If she’s not confessed then it’s time for some pretty straight talking and you need to tell her that if she wants you to stay then the cheating stops.

All you can do then is try to trust her. You can’t check up on her 24/7.

To be honest I think the trust has gone here and it’s time to move on.

Q: My girlfriend wants to break up with me even though she professed her love for me just last week. Can I save this relationship?

A: Well what has changed in a week?

It sounds as if she didn’t mean what she said and felt under pressure to tell you she loved you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

I am sorry for your predicament but if you want to save the relationship you need to talk to her and listen to how she truly feels.

Because I don’t think she’s been entirely honest.

Until you know that you won’t be in a position to decide whether or not your relationship can be saved.

Q: Is 34 too old to find love?

A: Of course not. Why ever would you think it would be?

Age has absolutely nothing to do with it – a happy disposition, a zest for life and an interest in other people will draw love to you at any age.

If, however, the only thing you focus on is finding love, then desperation is unattractive.

Being happy in your own skin and in your own company, on the other hand, will make you far more attractive.

Put the ‘checklist’ away and go out and meet people, enjoy yourself and see what happens.

How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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