Problem Page Edition 35 2017

This week – boyfriends who can’t ‘forget’ their last date, leaving the father of your two kids and whether a handsome 21 year old can love an ‘ugly’ 19 year old. Yes – it’s this week’s problem page.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week’s questions.

Q: My boyfriend is still friends with his last date. Should I believe that nothing will happen between them?

After we started our relationship, he found he still couldn’t stop thinking about her. We argued. Now he says he only loves me, but I find it hard to trust him. Our relationship will soon become a long distance one whilst they will meet again. What should I do? Tell him to stop being friends with her?

We are close friends. Sometimes we talk for long hours on the phone till late night. But I’m always the one who starts the conversations.  I feel if I stop contacting her, she will never contact me again). Don’t you think she’s being selfish here or am I thinking wrong?

Q: Can a 21 year old handsome guy date a 19 year old ugly girl?

A: I don’t think there’s such a thing as ugly. Sure, some people are more attractive than others but the true gauge of beauty is how they treat other people.

If you are seeking relationships based on something as shallow as appearance, somewhere along the line you will come unstuck.

Looks fade you know and there has to be a friendship supporting the relationship or it will, like the youthful bloom of your skin, just vanish.

Sadly, those who are more attractive tend to know it and seek out those who match their own estimation of themselves.

Not all, of course, but if you are chasing the local beauty (whether male or female) you are going to have a lot of competition.

And teens / twentysomethings don’t always have the maturity to recognise that it’s someone’s heart that matters, not their face.

The question you need to ask (and I can’t tell if you are the guy or the girl here) is whether they are a nice, decent person who will make you happy.

If their primary occupation is seeking validation from others through flirting or admiring their own reflection, I’d suggest you leave them to enjoy their moment in the sun and find someone more worthy of your affections.

Until now I stayed mostly for the kids but also because it’s always seemed easier than leaving. We have ZERO in common and until now we were good for the kids. It now seems that we can’t even  agree on what was said in a conversation 10 minutes ago, I think the kids would be better with us separate.

A: Not without causing a great deal of pain and heartache to all involved – including yourself I suspect.

You don’t say why you want to leave but if they are unfaithful, or cruel or abusive then it’s understandable.

It’s trickier if you have just grown apart and have nothing in common any more because many people will tell you to grown up and put up with it for the sake of the kids.

Once we have children, really, our own happiness should take second place to theirs – in my view at least.

Have you really done all you can? Talked, had counselling, thought about the repercussions on your children’s lives?

It’s an incredibly hard, life-changing decision and there are no easy answers.

Q: Our relationship is moving too fast.  How do I tell my boyfriend I need to slow things down?

A: I think you need to be clear about what ‘slowing down’ means.

Do you mean you are spending too much time together? Do you mean you are not ready for a sexual relationship? Do you mean you don’t see him as a life partner? Do you mean you don’t want children with him?

Or are you really saying you’ve had enough but don’t have the courage to leave him?

The man deserves the truth and some honest communication, not game playing with his feelings.

And you need to own your feelings and tell him exactly what you need.

How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.