This week – dealing with bullies, when he’s still texting his ex and when your partner forgets your anniversary. Yes – it’s problem page edition 38 from your online relationship coach.
If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.
Here are the questions for problem page edition 38.
Q: I confessed my feelings to a guy and he rejected saying you deserve better. What should I do?
A: I don’t think there’s much you can do because it sounds as if he tried to let you down gently.
It’s the old “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. If he was that keen, he would have tried to start a relationship with you no matter his misgivings.
Yes, it’s possible he may lack confidence and feel unsure of himself but now that he knows how you feel, the ball is in his court.
He’s not a child, after all, is he? And don’t you want a man who has the gumption to pursue you? Particularly if you have just confessed your love.
Walk away and don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing that you are upset.
Call time on their behaviour and tell them to stop.
If they are your boss, then it’s difficult but you must go to HR – you’ll probably find the bully’s behaviour will come as no surprise.
If they are a member of your family then you either have to enlist support from other family members or walk away from the bully.
If they are a partner or friend, seek support from others or professional counselling to help you develop strategies to cope.
Bullies need a reaction. Doesn’t matter how much they have in the bank, or how ‘powerful’ they are – deep down they are scared, unhappy individuals who don’t know how to command love and respect as you and I would.
They deserve pity.
You’ll find you are stronger, more powerful and richer in all the things that really matter – self-respect, confidence, peace of mind when you decide that the bully will no longer get under your skin.
I hope you find some support to get to that place.
Q: What does it mean if a man has a girlfriend but still text and call his ex?
A: It sounds to me that she isn’t fully an ex – yet.
It’s possible of course that they are two mature individuals who have decided to stay friends and the calls and texts are perfectly innocent.
But if your relationship is new then I would expect your man to be more into you and worried about impressing you than keeping up with his ex.
All you can do is ask him frankly if their relationship is truly over and see how he reacts.
Don’t be fobbed off by bland reassurances that it means nothing but keep your counsel and observe for a while.
If the calls and texts don’t stop, then in your shoes I’d start to feel the odd one out in their relationship.
And that’s something I personally would not put up with.
Q: Why does my ex want to meet over coffee?
She dumped me 9 months ago. Aside from one argument, the breakup wasn’t bad.
Since then, contact had been minimal. I emailed her a few times. Never got a response until 2 weeks ago, when she suggests meeting over coffee.
I have mixed feelings. Couldn’t she just ask or say what she needed to via email?
A: It sounds like she wants you back – otherwise, as you say, she could just email.
I’d go but I would be wary. Did she dump you for someone else and has that relationship crumbled? Some people can’t cope with being single.
If you are still interested in her then you have nothing to lose but if you are not interested then I would just gently explain this in a text or email rather than raise her hopes.
One last thing – when you say you have ‘emailed her a few times’, could it be that she thinks you are pursuing her again (are you?) and wants to explain to you that it definitely is over.
Without knowing more background it is difficult to say but it sounds as if the ball is definitely in your court.
Q: We ended it a year ago and he’s now in a relationship with a woman 10 years older than him. Now she gives me the evil stare every time. Why?
A: It’s possible that she finds you a threat because I assume, you are that much younger.
But when you say she gives you an evil stare ‘every time’, that hints that you are still hanging around your ex. Why is that? Are you still good friends? Do you work together?
Or, forgive me, but are you making sure you are where they are?
Could it be that you can’t understand why a woman 10 years older should have any appeal to him?
Attraction often has nothing to do with age you know and for that, we should all be grateful – as I’m sure you will be when you, in your turn, are 10 years older.
Rather than concentrate on them, it’s time to concentrate on you and to find a partner who is so captivating, engaging and good to you that you no longer give a fig what your ex and his new lady are doing.
Q: My boyfriend didn’t wish me a happy anniversary, and he knows that it is our anniversary. Should I confront/leave him?
A: Ask him. You don’t say which anniversary it is but it obviously isn’t your first. Ask him if he’s forgotten and if he hasn’t, is there anything wrong?
By the sound of it he is stewing over something and since long-term relationships are based on good communication, you need to confront the issue head-on.
He might be stressed, or too busy, or peeved about something but as his (I assume) long-term partner, you have every right to know.
How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know.
You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-
Midlife mum from Cardiff. Wine Imbiber. Likes glitter, fluff and olives. Approaching tweendom with Caitlin (11) and Ieuan (10). The husband is hiding in the loft.
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