In this week’s problem page from your agony aunt online – when you get your life together but your husband doesn’t, why you keep picking emotionally abusive friends and how long should you wait for your ex to come back?
If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.
Here are this week’s questions.
Q: Do you think it’s okay for me to stay with my boyfriend if he cheats but treats me like a queen?
We are happy together. He’ll go out of his way to make my days the best day every day, but he has given me reasons to think he has cheated. He swears he hasn’t cheated.
A: If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, as they say, it’s a duck.
You have pretty comprehensive evidence he’s playing around and treating you like a queen is a great way to assuage his guilt and try to put you off the scent.
Don’t fall for it.
How did he get those scratches? Was he mauled by a kitten? Has he been trimming rose bushes?
You know what’s going on.
Time to act like a queen and kick his sorry backside out of your court.
You know this at heart, don’t you? Unless he has been confined in a prison in the depths of the Amazonian jungle, is there really any reason that he can’t be with you?
It sounds suspiciously to me as if there is already another lady in the picture, hence the vanishing for the rest of the month.
Could it be that he is keeping you sweet while he decides whether this new relationship is a goer?
Please don’t waste any more time on this man.
Find someone new who wants to be with you NOW. Your ex sounds as dodgy as heck.
Q: How do I tell my husband that he is no longer good enough for me? I got fit and I got promoted. There are dozens of men at my work who are better looking, drive better cars and have larger homes who have shown an interest in me.
A: Whilst I applaud the changes you have made in your life, I suspect that a lot of people reading this will feel really sorry for your husband.
Does he know how you feel? Have you told him, clearly, what you need from him? Have you given him the opportunity to change?
Have you asked him if you are enough for him?
Your question reeks of frustrated ambition but I think you need to be clear about what you want.
These ‘better looking’ men with bigger cars and bigger homes may not be kind, loving, loyal, good fathers or faithful.
Don’t be seduced by a fantasy when, with a bit of honest communication, you might have something far better at home.
If, on the other hand, all this is shorthand for ‘I no longer love my husband and I want a new start’, then, equally, you really need to tell him.
With kindness and respect.
Q: Is it too creepy and clingy if I text my wife 10+ messages every day to tell her that I love her and to thank her for being my wife?
A: Lots of people would certainly think so. And they would also suspect that these ‘loving’ messages are your way of keeping tabs on her.
Do you expect her to respond to these messages?
I’m assuming you do this at work which must surely break your concentration from what you are supposed to be doing.
Why can you not tell her in person. I’m assuming you live in the same house?
I understand that some people love to show their affection many times a day and that’s fine if your wife is also happy with that.
Your question should really be addressed to her.
And if you are terrified of losing her, the sooner you sit down and talk – in person – the better.
Q: How can I tell my crush’s friend to help me and my crush get together? Her friend knows that I like her.
A: Well firstly you can’t ‘tell’ her, you have to ask, nicely. I’m sure the girl doesn’t want to play gooseberry.
I’m assuming if the friend knows you like your crush then surely she would have told her by now?
Has your crush given any indication that she feels the same way? If so, then you just have to be brave and ask her out.
If, on the other hand, she is ignoring or avoiding you, I think you can assume the friend has told her and she is not interested.
You can’t really expect the friend to do the running for you. I would, though, ask her directly if she thinks your crush IS interested and if so, ask the friend to suggest a date at a coffee shop or something.
But after that, you should do all the running yourself.
Rejection is hard, but it is always better to know, rather than make a bit of a fool of yourself by chasing endlessly if the object of your affections isn’t interested.
Q: Why do I always have friends who emotionally abuse me and are jealous of me?
A: There’s no easy answer to that one save that you choose your friends and allow them to treat you that way.
How do you know, though, that they are jealous of you?
Do your relationships start all sweetness and light and then change somehow? Are you a demanding person? Judgemental? Do you brag or boast? Do you have unrealistic expectations for your friendships?
You see friendships are a two way street and not only do you need to work out why you are attracting these people, you also need to think about your part in your friendships.
I don’t think this is as simple as saying “I always pick people who are nasty to me and are jealous”.
Because that is effectively what you are saying.
But as an adult, you have to power to choose who you hang out with.
Time to start using that power wisely – and make sure that you play your part in the friendship too.
How would you have responded to the questions on this week’s problem page? I’d love to know.
You can find more dating advice from your agony aunt online in these posts:-