Problem Page Edition 3 – 2018

In problem page edition 3 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – how long before a narcissist ‘hoovers’ up their next victim, when the ex you miss is your next door neighbour and when you’re told your attentions make someone feel ‘violated’.

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are this week’s questions.

Q A girl friend that I deeply like says that I make her feel violated and unsafe and now she won’t talk to me and won’t be my friend anymore. What can I do so that she won’t feel violated and unsafe anymore and would talk to me and be my friend again?

A: That is deeply unsettling language – in fact it is the language of abuse and sexual abuse.

Have you done something you shouldn’t have?

My advice would be to think very carefully about which of your behaviours has impacted her so greatly and why and if there is anything take steps to address it – including getting help for yourself.

If you are certain you have done nothing then this girl is clearly troubled and doesn’t want you in her life.

The most sensible thing to do is to leave this girl alone. There is clearly no basis for friendship here.

Q: Why does the girl I like (who says she likes me) not want a relationship when we kiss multiple times (she says she doesn’t like titles)?

A: I’d suggest because she doesn’t want to be exclusive and she wants to be free to see who she wants and as many people as she wants.

You need to decide if that’s something you are willing to put up with.

I know I wouldn’t be.

Q:  How long until a narcissist discards an ex after hoovering again?

A: Surely the ex has already been discarded? Or do you mean how long will it be before the narcissist gets bored and wants someone else?

Who knows?

My question to you is why are you wasting your time worrying about someone who you clearly loathe?

Or do you?

Break-ups always hurt but it doesn’t always mean the person is a narcissist you know. We are all capable of bad and hurtful behaviour.

The sensible thing to do is to stay well away from them and pick a better person with whom to have a relationship next time.

Q: What do I do when I miss my ex girlfriend after 3 months of breakup, who lives next door?

A: Oh dear. That must be really tricky. You can hardly move house, can you? If you think there’s a chance to reconcile you need to be brave and knock on the door.

If it all ended badly or she dumped you, then, hard though it is, you will just have to move on.

I wouldn’t bother with ‘revenge dating’ or deliberately trying to make her jealous. Happiness is the best revenge so if you really want her back living your life to the full is more likely to make her wonder what she’s missing out on.

Q If I text my ex and say I miss you and he responded with an “aw” what does that mean?

A: That’s a rather patronising response I’d say, and not the kind of thing someone who wanted to get back with you would say.

If he has not responded again to ask to meet up then I’m afraid you have your answer.

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you’re pining for him again. You’ve made your feelings clear.

Time for HIM to do the chasing if he’s interested – but it doesn’t sound as if he is.

Q: What song should I send to my ex-boyfriend to make him realize I still need him?

A: This could go two ways. Sending him a song could make him jump into his car and come haring back to you – or it could be totally cringe-worthy and make you look a tad desperate.

Do you have any reason to suppose he wants to come back? Did things end really badly between you? Is he in a new relationship?

My advice would be to communicate via text if you absolutely must but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve if you are unsure how the land lies.

You may be more of a risk taker than me, but my motto has always been to preserve my dignity and to save shows of affection for those I know will truly value them.

Q: How can I get over my boyfriend ending the relationship after 3 years that were great? He is a commitment-phobe and will never live with me, but I still wanted him even after knowing this.

A: I’m asking this gently, but do you think you may be a little in denial? How can the relationship have been that ‘great’ if he wouldn’t live with you or offer a commitment?

Was he faithful to you for those three years?

If it all was as wonderful as that, then it sounds as if you have realised that it is not enough for you and, hard though it is, you need to decide if staying with someone who doesn’t want a fully committed relationship is enough.

You may be sacrificing marriage, possibly even children and definitely the security of knowing you are the most important person in his life.

The fact that he was the one to end it also suggests he wants to move on – and again, I’m wondering what the trigger for this was.

Did you give him an ultimatum (which rarely work) or is there someone new in the picture?

Give yourself some time and then think about what you want from a future relationship and if commitment IS important to you then you need to find a partner who will offer that.

And don’t wait as long as 3 years before realising that it’s never going to happen.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 3. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

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linda

Ex marketing professional turned family lifestyle blogger. I live in Cardiff with hubby Mat, Caitlin (10) and Ieuan (8).

Find me on: Web | Twitter | Facebook

20 Comments

  1. Hannah denton
    19 January, 2018 / 11:41 am

    Oh my gosh some really powerful information here and great questions and answers!

  2. Kate
    19 January, 2018 / 1:56 pm

    You’ve given some great advice here! Relationships are so complicated.

  3. 19 January, 2018 / 2:47 pm

    It’s quite hard to answer some of these without more context. For the text one I’d probably say ask directly whether he misses you or not. As he’s an ex it’s better to be straightforward so you can move on if you need to

  4. Bethany
    19 January, 2018 / 2:54 pm

    You’re great at answering the most worrying of questions that would leave most people dumbfounded, great job.

  5. 19 January, 2018 / 5:44 pm

    Fab questions and answers as always! I love your advice, you always say exactly what I would probably say too! An ex who lives next door is hard work!

  6. 19 January, 2018 / 9:20 pm

    I enjoyed reading this, I used to love reading the problem pages when I read magazines.

  7. hannah
    19 January, 2018 / 9:27 pm

    These are some hard questions. I really like how you give advice

  8. 20 January, 2018 / 7:33 am

    Some very tricky questions to answer here. My now hubby left me a couple of years into our relationship and it wasn’t until I stopped pining after him that he came grovelling back!!

  9. 20 January, 2018 / 9:26 pm

    You’ve given some great answers here. Fantastic advice. And you’ve given me some things to consider. Thanks!

  10. 21 January, 2018 / 1:53 am

    This is really great advice, well done you. I can actually relate to a couple of these issues from my teenage years if I’m honest x

  11. Abbeylouisarose
    21 January, 2018 / 9:21 am

    You’ve given some really golden advice here – I like the fact that you’re so straight to the point without sugar coating anything, I have a lot of respect for that approach because it’s sometimes exactly what you need to hear!

    Abbey x

  12. 21 January, 2018 / 3:43 pm

    Relationships are never straight forward, are they? I’m sure your tips will be of great use to lots of people.

  13. 21 January, 2018 / 4:44 pm

    Eek to breaking up with someone who is then your neighbour…I probably would try and move – is that extreme??

  14. 21 January, 2018 / 6:57 pm

    The ‘aw’ reply brings back some memories, I had that happen once and it was enough for me to walk away but its not always easy especially if you like the person too much

  15. Sheri
    24 January, 2018 / 4:24 am

    I love the questions and answers. These are great, informative and wonderful advice.

  16. chichi
    24 January, 2018 / 8:27 am

    i have been troubled by strange behaviors of some of my friends, the first q&a puts that in perspective!

  17. 24 January, 2018 / 9:39 am

    Some great advice here, Linda. I always used to turn to the problem pages in magazines when I was younger

    • linda
      Author
      24 January, 2018 / 10:25 am

      I used to read “Cathy & Claire” in the back of the Jackie magazine every week.

  18. 24 January, 2018 / 10:27 am

    this is my favourite series of yours! always have such good advice xx

  19. 24 January, 2018 / 11:02 am

    I love this post. A place were people can ask advice and get great support in return.

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