In problem page edition 11 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – living with a wife who hates you, when your ex-husband’s new girlfriend hates you and when your abusive ex has taken to hanging around outside your home.
If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.
A: I’m curious that there is no mention of divorce in your question. Are you unable to divorce for religious or cultural reasons?
If you feel that strongly then you must simply tell her the relationship is over and that you want to separate.
Then go and stay with a friend or family member for a while.
You also don’t say, interestingly, whether you have children. If you do then you need to discuss this with your wife urgently as you can be sure your children will be affected by living in such a toxic atmosphere.
I can tell that you are resisting making any kind of move, but I’m afraid the time has clearly come to ACT. And it will have to be you that does it.
There is no reason, by the way, for your wife to know that you have consulted a lawyer or advice bureau for legal and financial advice about your situation.
That, I think, should be your first step.
Then draw up a plan of action and consider carefully the best steps to take.
You’ll start to feel stronger emotionally and better able to copy once you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
The other thing you should do immediately is, when your wife is unkind, tell her you are not prepared to put up with this treatment any more.
A: You simply tell yourself that you are clearing the decks to make space for the love you deserve in your life.
He clearly wasn’t it and, if he left you for the ‘friend’, then you can take some solace that she, in her turn, will probably find herself in the same position as you sooner or later.
The great motivational speaker Anthony Robbins says that to make a change in your life you need to hold yourself to a higher standard.
This man is not worthy of you. Stop obsessing over his social media and focus on yours.
That old cliche about time being a great healer is true, you know. One day you WILL look back and think “what on earth did I ever see in someone who treated me like that”.
Nobody escapes this life scot-free – he’ll get his come-uppance sooner or later.
But don’t waste YOUR life hanging around to see it. You’ve got better things to do.
A: Because you were there FIRST. Because she knows you and he shared history and memories together.
You don’t say whether there are children in the picture.
But, rather than focus on the girlfriend, concentrate on making your relationship with your ex husband as pleasant and supportive as it needs to be for YOUR happiness.
She is irrelevant you know – she could be gone tomorrow.
And if she is being unpleasant to you, I suspect she knows that too.
A: That the decision has been made by the court and needs to be upheld or you will be seeking further legal counsel.
I think you are better off keeping emotion out of this and sticking to the facts of the case.
It is likely that the child in question has said no such thing and is succumbing to pressure from the parent.
If you think this is the case, then the need for external assistance / advice is greater as you have the welfare of the child to consider.
Don’t get into petty squabbles. Simply state your case and try not to react. That is what your partner is looking for.
Think of the child in the middle of this mess and do what’s best for them.
A: It’s a hard truth that we are all responsible for our own happiness and while it is commendable that you are considering her feelings should you leave, you really aren’t helping the situation.
It is not kind to stay with someone out of pity and to give them false hope.
Are you sure you are not using her emotional state as an excuse not to come clean?
The quicker you fess up and are honest (which is the respectful thing to do by the way), the quicker you can both move on and she can find the support she needs and a boyfriend who can cope with her moods.
A: You don’t text. You do the adult thing and pick up the phone. If you have done something wrong you apologise.
If you haven’t done anything wrong you still need to talk to her to understand why she is angry.
Hiding behind texts is for teenagers.
A: You tell the police so that, hopefully, they will give him a warning to stay away. At least his behaviour will be on file. You tell your family and friends. This is stalking. If you can go and stay with someone else for a while.
I am sorry you are going through this but you need to take steps to ensure your own safety and make his behaviour known to the authorities.
I wouldn’t bother making contact with him because this is clearly something he is looking for.
If you have a father, brother or male work colleague who will confront him this may send a strong message to him to back off.
But I seriously think that the police need to have a word with him.
Prioritise your safety over his feelings. This behaviour is not normal.
I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 11. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-
Midlife mum from Cardiff. Wine Imbiber. Likes glitter, fluff and olives. Approaching tweendom with Caitlin (11) and Ieuan (10). The husband is hiding in the loft.
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