Problem Page Edition 12 – 2018

In problem page edition 12 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – what to write in the birthday card of the son you haven’t seen for 2 years,  whether your boyfriend should send you goodnight texts and if you kissed someone else before you got together, is that cheating?

Problem page edition 12 - Love Heart Sweets and lollipops

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 12.

Q What should I write on a birthday card for my son who is 8 years old and whom I haven’t seen in 2 years?

A: I am not sure why you are unable to see your son but the message your son will be looking for is “happy birthday son I’ll see you soon”.

Without knowing your exact situation it is difficult to advise but if you feel you have a legal right to see your child then you should do something about it.

If you have not seen your boy through your own misbehaviour, then now is the time to make amends.

Life is short and your boy is already 8.

Frankly, I wouldn’t waste time worrying about what to write on a birthday card. I’d get myself to him as soon as possible on his special day.

Q: Do you think your girlfriend or boyfriend should send you “good morning” texts? 

A: Frankly, I think it’s a little clingy. Relationships thrive on mystery not routine.

If you think your boy or girlfriend should send a goodnight text, that’s a little like wanting them to check in to reassure you that they are not with someone else.

And a little insecure.

Get to the point where you don’t care whether they send you a goodnight text or not and I guarantee they’ll be hooked.

But don’t waste YOUR life hanging around to see it. You’ve got better things to do.

Q: Should I contact my ex and tell him that I have forgiven him for whatever wrong he did with me and sorry if for once I wished anything bad for him?

A: The problem is that if you do that they will just assume you want them back.

If they treated you badly (and you do want them back), this will just give them carte blanche to treat you just as badly as they did before. They will know you’ll put up with any old thing.

If they want your forgiveness let them chase YOU.

This just sounds like trying to find an excuse to get back in touch.

You can’t change what happened in the past.

Time to let it go and move on.

If they are still interested they will find you. Hard though that is to hear, your dignity and self respect should count for more than placating someone who treated you badly – and who doesn’t deserve your time.

Q: What is the best way to develop apathy towards my ex borderline/narcissist? I was having a conversation that triggered an upset within me and I thought I was much further along.

A: I think you could do with some counselling and professional support.

It’s easy to apply psychological diagnoses to people who have treated us badly, whereas, most of the time, they are just normal people who may have ceased to love us or fallen in love with someone else.

You can’t develop ‘apathy’. You need to get it all out, shout, rage, scream and accept that the relationship is over.

I suspect your main problem is that you haven’t done that.

It takes time to heal but constantly obsessing about “how far along” you are is like picking the scab off a wound. It won’t heal.

Talk to friends, family, whoever you need to and take the focus off this relationship in the past and look to the future with someone who is worthy of your love.

Q: What should you do if your mum denounces you as an unfilial son because you heeded the advice of her doctors by refusing to give her what she wants to eat?

A: You simply tell her you love her and that the doctor knows best. You want her to get well and she can interpret your actions as she will – but you love her and want the best for her.

Those of us with elderly and infirm parents understand your struggle. If she is an older lady, understand that she may not be able to think as clearly as she used to.

Try not to take it personally. Decide in your heart what you must do to honour your love for her and do that.

You may just have to shut your ears to the complaints. It’s normal for us to rail against advice we KNOW we should take but don’t want to.

My dad has smoked a pipe for YEARS. He’s nearly 80. Do you think I can get him to give it up? No.

Will I keep on trying even if he moans and shouts?

Damn right.

Having my dad alive is far more important than pretending his poor health choices are doing him good.

Sometimes the roles of parent and child are reversed.

Hard though it is, I suspect it’s your turn to be the parent.

Q:  Would you date a 50-year-old man who looks 25 and who you don’t know is 50?

A: Firstly it’s highly unlikely the man looks as young as he thinks and secondly if he is that obsessed with his age I think many women would be turned off.

Lots of women VALUE maturity, a little grizzling round the edges because it suggests intellect, sensitivity and the ability to put their needs before his own.

That’s what’s sexy. Not looking like Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Grey or a botoxed Ken doll.

In any case, surely at some point in a relationship, the question of true age would arise.

And I don’t think many women would be happy to discover they were dating someone who could not be honest about basic biological data.

It doesn’t exactly bode well for anything else, does it?

Q: Before my girlfriend and I officially got together I kissed someone else.  Is that cheating and do I need to tell her?

A: Good grief. This isn’t the 18th century. If you were dating your girlfriend but not ‘official’ (whatever that means) then possibly you were out of line but if a kiss was all it was then forget about it and certainly don’t tell her.

Some women may interpret a kiss as an infidelity but I think many would consider much more body contact than that as being unfaithful.

Make sure you are happy to be official with this girl though, lest you have the urge to kiss other girls.

THAT would be cheating.

How would you have responded to the questions on this week’s problem page? I’d love to know.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 12. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

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