Problem Page Edition 13 – 2018

In problem page edition 13 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – when she says her affair is over but is still meeting him, when your husband refuses to go on a honeymoon and whether you should break up with your long distance boyfriend if you haven’t seen him for 5 months.

problem page edition 13

Photo by Jacalyn Beales on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 13.

QMy wife had an emotional and sexual affair for a year and is now back with me. She still messages the other man and sometimes goes for walks with him but swears nothing is going on. What should I do?

A: If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck.

By that I mean that you are apparently denying what is going on under your nose.

She ‘goes for walks’ with this man?

You will not keep her but refusing to confront what is going on you know. You would have a greater chance of regaining her respect by telling her in no uncertain terms that the time has come for her to choose.

By the sounds of it she has, to all intents and purposes, checked out of your relationship.

I am really sorry because I can tell you want this to work but it sounds like she is making a mockery of your marriage and treating you like a gullible dolt to boot.

In your shoes I would tell her this stops now and that you will be talking to your solicitor to assess your position.

You don’t really have to have done this of course. I think a firm warning shot is what’s needed here.

Your wife is doing what is commonly called “having her cake and eating it”.

Time for the bakery to shut.

Q: Why would a covert narc break up with you but ask you to text her in a couple of weeks asking her how she’s doing? When I did what she asked, she was curt and then blocked me on social media. Are these manipulation games?

A: Firstly, if she is a ‘covert narc’, as you put it, why do you want her back? In reality she is probably just a woman who decided to leave your relationship and didn’t want to hurt your feelings so she suggested you ‘phone her sometime’.

I doubt she really expected you to follow through on that request so it’s no wonder she was a bit thrown when you did and blocked you on social media.

I’m sorry but these are not ‘manipulation games’, this is simply someone who no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

Time to read the signs, gather up your dignity and find someone more worthy of you.

I’d leave the psychobabble behind too and just look for a normal girl you find attractive and want to date without assuming every bad mood or less than sweet action is a precursor to madness or anti-social behaviour.

Most people are completely normal, you know.

Q: My husband refuses to take me on a honeymoon, that he can afford, because he wants to focus on his goals. Is that wrong?

A: I married in 2011 and we STILL haven’t had a honeymoon. To have one so late after the wedding (we had two young children), would make it, frankly, a self-indulgent holiday.

I am not sure how long you have been married. If it’s recent then I understand that you will feel shortchanged.

If not, then I wonder if you and your husband have shared goals. What are his? Is he trying to build a business for example? If so, then I would wholeheartedly understand his reluctance to invest in a holiday.

The honeymoon isn’t really the issue here I think – it’s where you two are going on your journey together and whether it is on the same path.

I note that you say it’s something ‘he can afford’ but it’s 2018 you know. Have you anything to contribute to the cost? Could you perhaps compromise and go on a luxury weekend somewhere? Or book a spa break?

If you have been married a while and you are still expecting to be treated like a new bride with everything paid for you then he might be starting to lose patience.

Weddings are wonderful but they generally last a day. It’s the relationship you’ve forged up until that point that is what will take you forward – and what needs investing in.

And not necessarily by paying for expensive holidays.

Q: Should I break up with my LDR boyfriend since I have never seen him and it has been 5 months?

A: Do you mean you have NEVER seen him – in which case you really don’t have a relationship or do you mean you RARELY see him – which rather comes with the territory of a long distance relationship?

If it’s been 5 months it does rather sound as if you are wasting your time. A man who is truly interested would make every attempt to broach the distance and get to you at some point, somehow.

The fact that, after 5 months, he doesn’t sound as if he can be bothered, suggests to me that you need to stop wasting your time here and go find a real relationship with a man right in front of you with whom you can actually have a conversation!

Q: Whenever I try to work hard for something, it feels like I am doing it for someone else, even if that’s not really the case, and I immediately want to stop working. How can I get over this?

A: You remind yourself, gently, that you are no longer a child doing things to please your parents.

Rather this is your future, your life and your success you may be jeopardising by refusing to commit and give your work your all.

I would also remind myself that if I can’t be arsed to put the effort in, there are an awful lot of people out there who would gladly swipe any opportunity from under me on their way to the top.

Don’t let yourself be their ladder.

Q:  My new boyfriend, who I just caught texting another girl, wanted to go through my photos. I let him, but when I asked to see his he said no, he was going to bed and we should do that together. Is he cheating?

A: So you catch him texting another girl and he won’t let you see his photos?

What do you think?

I’m sorry but his behaviour is questionable and even if he isn’t cheating, I wonder why you are so quick to do whatever he asks.

You won’t keep him by being sweet and compliant you know.

Your best chance is to tell him it’s clear he has other girls on the go so until he decides whether he really wants to be in a relationship with you, he can go home.

And the contents of YOUR phone are private – thank you very much.

Q: Do you share grocery costs and cooking responsibilities with your roommates? For pretty much every meal, like you might a spouse? How old are you and the roommate/s?

A: Does it matter how old you are? This is how adults behave. They split costs and responsibilities.

Time for a house meeting (or however you term it) to discuss responsibilities and budgets.

Draw up a rota of who does what – the shopping, the cleaning etc.

I’m assuming you don’t want to live in a slum.

The difficult bit is making sure everyone does their fair share but that’s why you all need to agree these things in advance.

Annoying though this may all be, it’s surely cheaper than bearing ALL the costs and responsibility when you live on your own.

Which, if you can’t come to some agreement may be your only, and significantly more expensive, option.

How would you have responded to the questions on this week’s problem page? I’d love to know.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 13. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

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