Relationships

All aspects of relationships and solutions for common relationship problems.  Dating tips and advice and the Mother Distracted Problem Page.

Make Your Engagement One For The Books

So you’ve found the love of your life and planned the most wonderful, perfect proposal imaginable. What’s next? The ring! Picking your partner’s engagement ring can be a stressful task to accomplish since there’s so much pressure on you. The ring signifies the symbol of your love for your partner and it’s a generous token of what’s next in the relationship. If you’re lucky, they’ll be flaunting their ring around to their friends and family to see.

Set a Budget

Before you even step foot into a jewellery store, you need to set a budget. This will give the jeweller an idea of what your price range is and what you’re looking for. Picking out a ring is like picking out a car, the price can most likely be negotiated.

Even if you can’t afford a better ring, don’t put off your proposal as you can opt for an engagement ring financing plan with the seller. It wouldn’t look good for you if you were to hold off on your proposal because you want to buy a better piece of bling for your intended. A simple ring will be more than enough for your partner to remember. Nobody said you couldn’t get them a stunning ring as an anniversary present somewhere along the line, right

The Importance of the 4Cs

When picking out an engagement ring, you must think about the 4Cs. Think about how you can manipulate each one of them to get the most value for money when you buy that perfect diamond engagement ring. Colour, clarity, carat weight, and cut make up the 4Cs, which is a grading system that will determine how much you are going to pay for the ring and what the quality of it is.

The purchase of an engagement ring is usually the first experience we have in the very confusing world of jewellery. We might be bombarded with terms and concepts we’ve never heard of before. Eternity band? Carat? Tiffany setting? Yes, it can be overwhelming.

What anyone on a budget must know before walking into a jewellery store is that even if a diamond is at the top of each scale, it doesn’t make it any more gorgeous than a cheap diamond engagement ring that may not be high on the 4Cs spectrum.

All of those 4Cs are put together when weighing the value of a diamond, not just one. A diamond does not have to be perfect across all 4Cs. There is no right or wrong diamond spec.

Photo by Andy Holmes on Unsplash

Size

The size of the ring is just as important as everything else. Picking the wrong size and having it not fit when you propose is not only embarrassing but frustrating and it could cost you more money. If it doesn’t fit, you will have to go back to the jewellery store and have it properly fitted.

The easiest way to get the exact size is to take a ring that your partner isn’t wearing and take it to the jewellers for a measurement. If you want to be sneaky about it simply put it on your finger and draw a line where it ends. You could also trace the inside of it on a piece of paper and have the jeweller measure it.

Overall, the experience of shopping for a diamond engagement ring on a budget can be an overwhelming one. Once you know how much you can afford, make sure you can find yourself a reputable, well-represented business that has professional sales associates who can answer all of your questions and educate you the best they can.

She Follows Her Ex On Social Media – Problem Page

In this week’s problem page, when your girlfriend still follows her ex on social media, dealing with bullies and how to get someone out of your house when they just won’t leave.

Here are this week’s questions.

Last week, my girlfriend broke up with me saying that I’m the nicest guy she ever met but she doesn’t deserve me, but her roommates and friends still know we are in a relationship. What should I do in this situation?

I’m sorry to hear that you have been, effectively, friend-zoned and I can imagine that it really hurts.

As for her roommates, it is up to her to tell them. What you shouldn’t allow her to do is to carry on pretending that you are in a relationship – and that means you need to separate yourself and not hang around them for a while.

In your shoes, I would go out and start enjoying myself. What about hanging out with your male buddies?

Don’t let this girl use you a ‘boyfriend fodder’ to make herself look good. Make it clear that you are now single – and if any of her roommates fancy a date – you’re free!

Should I be concerned my girlfriend still follows her ex on Social Media?

I don’t think I’d be very happy about it, to be honest. I suppose it’s one thing to follow someone but another altogether to keep engaging with them. Is she liking posts and responding? Are they messaging each other?

In your position, I’d be doing a bit of subtle investigation and if you find that she is firmly in contact with the ex, remind her that you are not particularly interested in sharing her and it is time to make up her mind.

He tells me to go away. He doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. It’s because he is going through a tough time. Being his friend, should I leave him like this?

It sounds as if he is suffering from depression and I don’t think you should leave him. It is very, very difficult, that I understand but I would seek advice and seek if you can get him to have some counselling.

You can tell him that you are worried and agree between you some form of staying in contact. For example, you could say “I know you want to be left alone but I’m going to check in with you at 8 pm (or whatever). You can tell me to go away but at least I’ll know you are OK”. Something like that.

Depression can be a killer and as a friend, you have the challenge of ensuring he is OK whilst not being swallowed up by the pressure of caring for him yourself.

It’s not easy but he is very very lucky to have someone like you concerned about him.

What do you have to do when you’re being bullied, except ignore them?

You take the situation to a higher authority.

You don’t say who these lowlifes are but if you are in school then you talk to your family, teacher or pastoral care.

If you work with them (and rest assured adult bullying occurs) then you must talk to your manager or HR department.

Ignoring them is a sensible first step but you need to take action. If you are being bullied for reasons of sexuality, disability, race or gender, don’t forget there are laws in place to protect you.

Talk to someone who will support you and come up with a plan together. And don’t be afraid to seek legal advice, nor talk to the police if you fear actual physical harm.

Lastly, write/record EVERYTHING – take screenshots of tweets and facebook messages in case they are deleted. Save voicemails. Keep a diary and record dates, times and exactly what happened.

This is the kind of information a lawyer will need.

Don’t take this lying down -easier said than done I know – but if you start opening up about what is happening to you I’m sure a lot of people will be very angry on your behalf.

Should I post pictures on social media for my recent ex to see during the no contact phase?

If they’re an ex, they’re an ex. What is the point of a no-contact phase if you have split up? It’s usually suggested by the one who’s leaving to make the one who’s being left feeling better. Don’t be fobbed off by that.

Post away on whatever social media you like. It is no longer any of your ex’s business. If, though, you are posting to make them jealous and to win them back, I wouldn’t bother. If you need to go to that much effort then the relationship is over.

If they want you back they’ll be on the phone or texting, not playing silly games with a ‘no contact phase’.

How do you break up with someone who is living in your house but won’t leave?

You need legal advice to sort this out. If you are afraid for your personal safety you should talk to the police and seek support from friends and family. It would be better for you to move out if you are in physical danger.

In terms of getting this person out, a lawyer will need to decide if they have any claim on the property. Who owns it? Have they been paying rent? They may have tenants rights.

I’m not sure this is something you can handle on your own.

She tells me that she’s poly because she has trust issues and is just not at a point in her life where she’s ready to commit. I’m ready to commit but I don’t like the poly aspect. Is there any way I can help her?

I don’t think it’s for you to ‘help’ her, to be honest. She has made her decision, although the poly thing sounds like a bit of an excuse. She doesn’t want an exclusive relationship with you at the moment.

I wouldn’t waste time. If you are looking for exclusivity, this one isn’t your girl.

How would you have answered these questions?  I’d love to know.  You can find more advice on my problem page.

In the meantime, you can find more dating tips in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Relationship Dilemmas – Including When The Ex Wants You Back

I spend a lot of time responding to the questions I am asked about the most common relationship dilemmas about dating and relationships and I thought I’d share some of my answers with you in case you are going through anything similar.

Obviously, I am not an expert but I am a 50-something married mum of two with quite a few years’ experience under my belt. I take the view that, sometimes, you need to hear it like you would from your own mother – however tough the truth may be.

Here are some of the questions about common relationship dilemmas I’ve been asked.

My partner and I broke up because he realized he doesn’t feel ready to fully commit to a relationship at the moment. What should I do, beyond waiting?

He said he’d hit me up when he’d feel ready to fully commit because currently, he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. We love each other a fair lot, and I’m willing to wait for him to make up his mind and get back together, as unbearable as the wait is.

Answer: I’m afraid this guy is looking for a way out of the relationship and hasn’t got the guts to tell you. If he loved you that much he would have no hesitation making a commitment.

Your best bet is to try to move on and develop your own social life – you will probably meet someone new who loves and values you and is ready for a commitment.

Pressurising a guy into making a commitment rarely works though and most will run away scared if they are not that into you.

Work on developing your own self-confidence and self-esteem. Men can wait.

My ex-girlfriend who dumped me wants us to give our relationship another try. I don’t know if I’m ready. What should I do?

Answer: Say no. It’s obvious you’re not really interested and if you go back there is no guarantee she won’t dump you again.

Sometimes in relationships, people do things which are unforgivable. It doesn’t make you a weak person for saying ‘no more’ and standing up for yourself.

You could ask for a bit of space I suppose but the fact that you ‘don’t know if you’re ready’ tells me you should concentrate on finding someone new.

If your ex dumped you because YOU were unfaithful or an idiot, on the other hand, then a bit of time out reflecting on how you could be a better boyfriend is called for, to avoid getting dumped again.

My girlfriend and I got into a fight and now her parents won’t let me talk to her. Are they wrong to block me?

Answer: As her parents, they have every right to do what they consider best for their daughter’s happiness. If she is not making every effort to talk to you then she agrees with them.

It sounds like this was not a minor argument. If you need to say sorry and apologise then I would do so quickly – and start by apologising to her parents.

That’s the mature thing to do and will win you points from both them and your girlfriend.

I have been hanging out with this girl for about 6 weeks.  She’s had bad relationships before and we both like each other but she freaks out if I tell her I love her.

Her last relationship was about 3 years ago. I love her and am nice and respectful but she has asked me to wait for her because there are lots of things she needs to think about. How long should I wait for her?  What should I do?

Answer: I’m not surprised. It’s only been 6 weeks and you hardly know each other. Calm down or you will frighten her off! If she has a troubled past you need to take things VERY slowly and build up her trust. Get to know each other. Do lots of talking, particularly if her last relationship was 3 years ago – that’s a long time.

In terms of ‘ waiting for you’, I take it she means she is not ready for a sexual relationship – and again, after 6 weeks this is not surprising.

Why are you in such a hurry? If you keep pressurizing her, she’ll be gone. You can’t keep someone by telling them you love them, you know.

At heart, most of us know these things take time if they are real and if they have a chance of lasting.

Is there anything you can do to ‘unattract‘ someone already attracted to you?

Answer: Other than being completely horrible or cruel, I’d say no. Why would you want to turn off or hurt someone who has genuine feelings for you? Your responsibility is to find a way to communicate that YOU are not attracted to them or feel the same way. If this is an existing relationship then you need to consider whether you should end it if you don’t feel the same attraction. If this is attention from someone who is causing trouble or you are finding a nuisance, then the adult thing to do is be honest and just make it clear that, while you are flattered, you don’t feel the same way. Giving false hope is cruel. As is encouraging their attention whilst being dishonest about how you really feel.

How can I tell my girlfriend to stop talking to another guy who likes her?

Answer: This is one of those common relationship dilemmas that is tricky to deal with.  In all honesty, you can’t. And the more you go on about it, the more attractive he will seem to her, not least because she will start to view your behaviour as controlling and possessive. If you can’t trust her, it may be worth changing our girlfriend. If all she is doing is having a friendly conversation with him, on the other hand, some exploration of why you are so insecure is needed. Be warned. Jealousy is deeply unattractive.

What do you think of a young Christian man who does not want children ever?

Answer: It is entirely your choice. The most important thing is that you are honest about your decision with your future partner(s). It would be unkind to develop a loving relationship with a woman who wants children without her being aware of your feelings on the subject. I also think it would be worth exploring your reasons why you don’t want children as it is a little unusual to make that decision quite so young.

I will move soon and it is unlikely that I will see the narcissistic ex-boyfriend who dumped me again. Should I meet him one last time?

Answer: Not unless you want to give him yet another ego boost. It sounds like you are really not over him and are looking for a way back into the relationship. Running away to the other side of the country won’t help you know. You need to talk to someone like a counsellor or trusted family friend about what happened (NOT him) to understand that this happens to loads of other women and that he WILL do it all again to the next woman. Some people are just intrinsically flawed and there may actually be NO answer, other than he got bored and perhaps felt he could be more adored by someone else. Please don’t keep chasing a man who is beneath your dignity.

Is it natural, in your opinion, for the woman to be the one to make the first unplanned sexual advance?

Answer: These days, yes. Also if the relationship has been going on for a while and the guy has been reluctant to make a move, then understandably the woman wants to test the waters to find out what’s going on. I’m a little concerned about what you term as ‘unplanned’ – sex doesn’t have a timetable. If you are feeling uneasy then you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I can’t tell whether you are the woman or man in this question, but I sense that someone, somewhere is feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Sex should be a natural, unforced part of a relationship – not something to be ticked off a checklist.

Why do all the shitty guys get the girlfriends and the nice guys don’t?

Answer: Probably because they are more confident and employ the “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen’ approach which most intelligent women will only put up with for so long. The shitty guys may have the girlfriends but do they keep them? Do they get to marry the girl of their dreams? I’m guessing not. You need to develop a bit more confidence in yourself because I’ll bet you have a lot more to offer than men who shore up their frail egos by behaving like complete idiots to women. I do think that the shitty guys might be prepared to take a few more risks and care a little less about rejection – that’s because they think they are so marvellous. And that’s what you need to start thinking about yourself – without acting like an idiot of course.

How would you have coped with these common relationship dilemmas? You can find more advice on my problem page.

Want more relationship dilemmas?  They’re here.

All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other healthcare providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

Powerful Self Care Tips To Help You Thrive During Divorce

While the divorce rate has gone down slightly, approximately 42 per cent of first marriages will end in divorce, according to the UK Office For National Statistics. Half of these marriages will end in less than 10 years with the average age for instigating divorce being around 45. In the U.S., 60 per cent of second marriages will end in divorce and a startling 73 per cent of third marriages end in divorce.

What does this mean for you if you are already going through it? It means you aren’t alone. There are millions of other people who are going through the exact same thing as you. Divorce is hard. It is one of the hardest things you will go through in your life. It is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. But that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through it.

It is possible to maintain your physical and emotional health even as you go through a divorce, whether it is a contested divorce or not. This report is going to help you with many aspects of divorce while you manage your health and become a better person because of it.

The Emotional and Physical Effects of Divorce

When you begin divorce proceedings, your biggest concerns are probably child custody and child support, living arrangements, splitting up your property, and financial concerns. You may have been the person who asked for a divorce so you have a little advanced warning, or your spouse could have dropped the bomb and now you have to figure it out.

Either way, divorce is not an easy thing to go through, but you will overcome it. It is important to first be aware of the emotional and physical effects divorce can have on you before you start working on maintaining your health. Here are some things you may experience during the divorce proceedings:

Emotional Effects of Divorce

Divorce can do a number on your emotional and mental state. You have been with this person through thick and thin, good and bad. No matter how long you were married, you were joined in unity, you may have children, have purchased a house together, shared a lot of memories. Now you are faced with putting all that behind you and going out on your own. This causes a lot of emotional changes, whether you were the one who asked for the divorce or not. It can cause you to experience:

Anger – Anger is a very common thing to experience during a divorce. If your spouse was the one to file for divorce, this is going to cause a lot of anger for breaking up your marriage. If it was you that made the choice, there are many things that might come up during the divorce proceedings to cause and anger and resentment, such as fights over property, child custody disputes, and many other issues.

Depression – Depression may come right away, when your spouse first moves out of the house, or when you realize you won’t get custody of your kids. Depression comes in waves, often worsening at night or when things trigger it, and suddenly you feel lonely, sad, and confused. If you already struggle with depression, it will likely be worse for you, so be prepared for it.

Anxiety and stress – Mental illnesses like anxiety disorders are also worsened by major life events like divorce. Everything about the divorce process causes both anxiety and stress, such as the fear of the unknown, anxiety over what is going to happen with your children or pets, stress over financial constraints. Even just dealing with your spouse and their lawyer can be a stressful ordeal.

Sadness – You will undoubtedly reach a point when the divorce causes you to be very sad. This is similar to depression, though you should understand the difference.

Physical Effects of Divorce

While many people think about the emotional or financial effects of divorce, they rarely bother to think about the physical effects. Your body will also go through a lot of changes during divorce proceedings, such as:

Digestive issues – You may start to experience your stomach-turning, leading to the feeling of butterflies or even having problems digesting your food properly. This isn’t just nerves from the divorce but can be related to the acute stress that divorce causes. Experiencing nausea, stomach cramps, and bowel issues are all common during a divorce.

Weight gain – This is extremely common among people getting divorced. You get stressed and are looking for a quick release, but you have kids to think about so substance abuse isn’t your first option. However, you might turn to fatty foods that make you feel comforted, ultimately leading to your weight gain.

Insomnia – Getting good sleep is one of the best ways to reduce your stress, but stress can also contribute to lack of sleep. It is a vicious cycle you experience during divorce. Insomnia is not just due to the stress, but can also be from high cortisol levels during divorce, as well as physically being alone in bed.

Natural Ways to Relieve Stress

Since many of these issues are directly related to stress caused by divorce, this is a good place to start. Taking care of your health should really start with your mental health. Plus, stress affects your body and mind, so it is even more important to try and manage. The following tips provide easy and effective ways to relieve your stress in natural ways.

Take Relaxing Baths

There are few things better than taking a long, hot, bubble bath. However, it is isn’t just the bath that will help you relieve your stress, but what you put in it. Aromatherapy is a great way to reduce your stress, which uses the scent of essential oils to calm your senses. One of the best herbs to use in a de-stress bath is lavender, which has a very calming effect. Add a few drops to your bath or get lavender bath salts or bubble bath.

Drink Chamomile Tea

Chamomile tea is often recommended to people who are having trouble sleeping because it is so relaxing. This is because the chamomile herb helps to relax your nervous system. It not only helps with insomnia but can help reduce your stress as well.

Try to Get Better Sleep

As mentioned previously, stress is often linked to not getting good sleep. If you are tossing and turning due to your divorce, there are a few things you can do. Here are some tips for getting better sleep:

* Have hot tea shortly before bed, as long as it doesn’t contain caffeine
* Start a new nightly ritual to relax your mind and body
* Turn off the cell phone and television when you climb into bed
* Try some nighttime yoga
* Get a new pillow and mattress

Follow a Healthy Diet

The food you eat isn’t just important for general health or to lose weight, but also because certain foods are known to help with stress. Whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and many types of nuts have nutrients that can also reduce your stress and have a natural calming effect.

Write in a Journal

Journal writing is very important during a divorce, as you will find out more in a later section of this report. It is also a good way to reduce your stress since you can release all of the anger, resentment, sadness, and other emotions on paper without feeling like you are burdening someone else.

How to Manage Anxiety and Depression

The next part of managing your health during a divorce is finding help for your anxiety and depression. You may have one or the other or may be struggling with a combination of both. These mental health disorders are frequently linked. You may have had anxiety or depression before your divorce and it is now heightened, or it could be brand new to you. These methods can help you manage your anxiety and depression without taking medications:

Do Breathing Exercises

When you have anxiety, breathing exercises are very helpful. They can help calm you down when you feel a panic attack coming on, but also help with a generalized anxiety disorder or acute anxiety. If you are about to head into court and start feeling your heart race and palms sweat, a panic attack might be coming on. Find somewhere quiet where you can do nothing but focus on your breaths, slowly breathing in and out and really extending the inhaling and exhaling. Count to 100 as you do this to start calming your mind.

Reduce Your Caffeine and Alcohol Intake

Caffeine and alcohol can trigger both anxiety and depression, so you should be reducing your intake as much as possible. Alcohol might seem like it covers up the feelings of depression, but it is actually a depressant. As soon as you sober up, you will actually feel worse than you did before you started drinking. It can be difficult, but try to reduce how much alcohol you drink and instead find healthier ways to keep your depression at bay.

Get Regular Exercise

Exercise isn’t just helpful when you want to avoid weight gain during a divorce but really helps with both anxiety and depression. When you exercise, your endorphins are working in overdrive, so they help to improve your mood and focus. This allows you to find some relief for all the fear and anger leading to your anxiety.

Give Yourself a Break

Don’t forget to give yourself time to just be by yourself. Divorce is an overwhelming experience and can often make you feel like you are constantly moving at full-speed ahead. Find some moments every day where you can be alone and simply relax and take a break without worrying about anything. This might be your nighttime bath when the kids are asleep, a few minutes in your car before you head into the office, or closing your bedroom door for five minutes so you can meditate.

Find Your Anxiety Triggers

If you have severe anxiety and panic attacks, you should also be looking for your triggers. There are likely certain things during a divorce that is causing your anxiety, such as when you have to go to court, when you speak to your husband, or when the topic of child custody comes up. Journaling will help you to find these triggers and find relaxation methods to help you get through them.

Tips For Avoiding Emotional Overeating

As mentioned previously, one of the physical effects of divorce has to do with your body and weight. You often gain weight because you are eating too much and not taking proper care of yourself. It is important that you really focus on your own health throughout your divorce, which includes knowing when you are emotionally eating and putting a stop to it.

Signs Of Emotional Eating

The following includes a list of signs that you are currently emotionally eating instead of eating for hunger:

* You can’t tell when you feel hungry or when you are full
* You often feel physically ill after eating a meal
* You were experiencing stress, anxiety, sadness or anger before or during your meal
* You suddenly feel better emotionally after you eat a meal
* After finishing a meal, you still feel hungry

The Dangers of Emotional Eating

When you are an emotional eater, the risk of gaining weight and being in poor physical health from all the extra junk food are not the only problems. This can become a bad habit that is very hard to break. Just like when people abuse drugs or alcohol, you find that the food satiates you physically and mentally. All that anger and sadness is suddenly washed away in pizza, burgers, and fries. Every time you grab a bag of chips instead of an apple, you somehow feel relaxed and like your stress has gone down. This is your mind tricking you, thinking that you need the food to feel better.

Tips For Putting a Stop To It

Now that you know why you need to stop this bad habit, it is time to start living a healthier life. These tips are going to help you stop emotional eating in its tracking, helping you to better manage both your physical and mental health during your divorce:

* Know what your emotional eating triggers are and try to avoid them
* Pay close attention to the signs that your body is hungry, and not your mind
* Never eat a meal when you are sad, angry, irritated, or bored
* Drink a full glass of water before each meal to decide if you really are hungry
* Force yourself to only eat meals and snacks at the kitchen table
* Try to find other activities that help occupy your mind

Journal Writing For Coping With Divorce

Journaling is another good practice to start doing when you are going through a divorce. Like many other tips here, it is going to help your emotional and physical health. Physically, journaling can help you write down what you are eating and drinking so you can monitor your weight and avoid any late-night binges. It also lets you see if you are struggling with insomnia, digestive issues, or immune system problems by recording how you feel each day. It also helps you emotionally by letting you vent your frustrations, work out things you have bottled up in your mind, and have a point of reference to show your counsellor if you see one during the divorce.

Another benefit of keeping a journal is that it becomes a diary of events that occur during the divorce. This might be needed for multiple reasons. For one thing, if you end up going to court for your divorce, your lawyer can use your journal as evidence of what you have been put through, without struggling to remember facts, dates, and times on your own. It is also good to have simply to reflect on about the journey you have gone through.

Try to record everything during your divorce, from keeping daily food and exercise journals, to writing down your fears and thoughts, expressing your feelings, and writing notes about how you feel each day. Also, record any important events that occur with the divorce itself.

Tips For Journaling

* Get a quality journal that makes you want to write in it every day
* Have a journal that is small enough to fit in your purse or suitcase
* Bring it everywhere with you so you can take notes whenever necessary
* Try the method of bullet journaling, where you have an index and different sections of the journal for important notes
* Record anything and everything that occurs each day, leaving out no details

Get Plenty of Exercise Throughout the Process

Maintaining your health during a divorce is easier when you are getting regular physical activity. It can be tempting to lie in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself but try to avoid this bad habit. Give yourself a couple of days to wallow, then get out of bed and get back to your regular routine. It is important for you to maintain your sanity and can also help if you have kids in the house. Exercising is also going to help release natural chemicals in your brain and body that improve your mood, increase your energy, reduce your stress, and just make you feel better overall.

Here are some different fitness ideas you might want to try out during your divorce:

Join a local gym. This is one of the easiest ways to start a new fitness routine. It gets you out of the house, lets you meet new people, and has all of the equipment and classes you could possibly need for a regular fitness routine.

Try a cardio barre class. Cardio barre is based on both aerobics and ballet workouts. These classes typically have a room similar to a ballet class with bars and mirrors on all walls. You will learn classic ballet moves as well as get a great cardio workout.

Take yoga or Pilates. Both of these exercises not only help you get in good physical shape, but they are really good for relaxing you and reducing your stress levels. Yoga especially will teach you breathing exercises and help you meditate so that you can have a relaxed mind and a fit body.

Give swimming aerobics a try. Swimming is a lot of fun and a good alternative exercise to try out if you’re not a gym person and you hate going on walks. Whether you go to a local leisure centre or have a pool in your own backyard, there are a lot of exercises you can do in a swimming pool.

Take your dogs and kids on walks. Get your family together during this difficult time to go outdoors and workout. Your kids are likely going through a hard time too, so it helps to spend more quality time with them. Go on a walk each evening after dinner or take them hiking during the weekend.

Try an exercise you have never done before. This is the perfect opportunity to be adventurous and do an activity you have never done before. If it is something your spouse would not have enjoyed, even better! This is your time to be independent and make your own choices. If your ex-spouse hated the lake, get out there with a small boat and try rowing.

Remember that divorce may be difficult now, but it isn’t going to last forever. Take care of yourself and know that one day this will all behind you and you will be a better, stronger, and healthier person.

32 Sure-Fire Ways To Tell They’re Just Not Into You

I’m sure you’ve had loads of dating tips about winning the man or woman of your dreams.  You may even be an expert at spotting the signs of genuine interest from a mile away. But what happens when the spark starts to fade?

 

Have you ever spent time with a couple where it was obvious that one half of the couple was just itching to get away and the other half was completely oblivious to the fact? What if, scary thought, you are the oblivious one? How do you identify the difference between a true lover and a fake lover? Are you mistaking what you think are signs of genuine interest for what is actually a rapid cooling off or even behaviour to cover up an infidelity?

There’s surely nothing more damaging to your self-esteem than finding out the partner you thought was your dream date can’t wait to get away.

So, to ensure you can keep your head held high and your heart intact, check out the list below the next time you are on a date or spending time with your lover.

Whilst the signs of genuine interest are often easy to recognise, spotting when things are cooling rapidly can be trickier because, so often, we don’t want to admit what is happening right before our eyes.

Signs they’re not interested

Here’s how to spot the signs of a love that’s definitely past its sell-by date.

1.  They are frequently late for dates.

2.  You have to chase for a follow-up date.

3.  They never phone when they say they will.

4.  They always text and never phone.

5.  They are always on their phone – even on dates.

6.  They are always ‘working late‘ or have to go for a drink after work far too often.

7.  They never talk about you as a couple.  It’s always ‘I’ and never ‘we‘.

8.  Months on and you still haven’t met their relatives or close friends.

9.  They are not making future plans with you.

10.  They don’t like holding your hand in public.  Public displays of affection are definitely out.

11.  They never take you anywhere new.

12.  They forget your birthday.

13.  Valentine’s day is a “load of commercial rubbish” they refuse to acknowledge.

14.  They never want to dance with you.

15.  When they do dance with you they’re eyeing up the rest of the room.

16.  Women you’ve never met or even heard of greet them in a way that just a tad too familiar when you’re out together.

17   They try to check your behaviour. A bit too lairy when you’ve had a drink?  They’ll be telling you to shush.

18.  They don’t want to linger over coffee.

19.  They always have to leave early because they have an urgent appointment next morning.

20.  They would rather watch TV than go out

21.  They flirt openly on the basis that ‘they’re just being friendly and are like that with everyone’.

22.  They don’t hold doors open for you or help you with your coat.

23.  If you’re ill they say “oh dear,  I’ll catch up with you when you’re better then“.

24.  They never offer to pay.  Or expect you to pay for everything.

25.  They criticise your appearance or weight.

26.  Their clothes are always immaculately ironed but you’ve never seen an ironing board.

27.  There’s a strange white patch of skin on an otherwise tanned wedding ring finger!

28.  They smell of a different perfume.

29.  They always pay by cash (card payments can be traced).

30.  They always take you to out of the way restaurants and pubs where you don’t know a soul.

31.  When you stand close together, their feet are pointing away from you, ditto legs when they sit cross-legged.

32.  If you feel instinctively in your gut they’re not really interested,  you’re probably right.

Are there any others you’d add to this list? Remember.  You deserve someone who loves and values you just as you are.  Don’t put up with anything less.

If you do spot any of these behaviours, it’s time to have ‘the talk’.  Stay calm, address your worries and be specific.  Giving examples is much more useful than vaguely saying “you just don’t pay me enough attention”.

We teach others how to treat us and if you think there may yet be some mileage in your relationship, it’s time to take action and to set some expectations and boundaries to keep things on track.

You’ll find more dating advice in my problem pages.

My Boyfriend Won’t Talk To Me – Problem Page

In this edition, boyfriends who ‘forget’ your anniversary, texting 200 times a day and when you move somewhere new and struggle to make friends. My boyfriend won’t talk to me, you say?  Here’s my advice.

Photo by Henri Pham on Unsplash

In this edition:-

  • how can a girl capitalise on her looks?
  • my boyfriend won’t talk to me!
  • when you declare your feelings and they won’t talk to you.
  • no friends in a small town
  • is she enjoying your flirting?
  • he keeps contacting you but he’s got a girlfriend
  • is texting 200 times a day healthy in a relationship?

Question: What can an attractive girl do to capitalise on her looks & achieve the most from life –whilst maintaining her integrity, propriety and decency?

Answer: It depends how important the validation of others – and, if I’m reading your question correctly, men is to you.

YOU are the one to judge whether you have made the most of things by setting goals that will make your heart sing.

That really doesn’t have to be marriage and 2.5 kids. It could equally be finding a cure for cancer, helping solve the ongoing problem of poverty in the Third World or just caring for your family.

You ask what can an attractive girl do?

I ask what do YOU want to do. Don’t set yourself up to need judgement.

Be your own flag bearer. You can do whatever you want to do. You are in control of your own happiness.

Question: My boyfriend won’t talk to me.  What can I do to resolve this?

We had been dating for 1 year, we had loose plans to go out for a meal, he went out and ate and no longer wanted to. I cried because it hurt my feelings as I thought we were going to celebrate. He left pretty coldly in the morning and has barely said 3 sentences to me in 2 days. We didn’t argue.

Answer: Ask yourself this. What would your mum, or your closest friend be saying to you now?

In their shoes I’d be saying he’s acting like a complete pillock. He has either had enough of the relationship and doesn’t have the guts to tell you, or he is feeling completely hemmed in and you need to relax a little and give him some space.

Was this an anniversary meal? Did he know it was an ‘anniversary’ – do you have a relationship which is likely to go the distance in his mind?

He has behaved atrociously and I can’t help but think of the phrase “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen”.

I would get busy, go out with my mates, do some flirting and let him see that your world does NOT revolve around him – even if he thinks he does.

Crying and having a fit of the vapours if you don’t get your own way is just going to make him think he can get away with whatever he likes.

I’m sure your mum would say “what on earth are you doing with him” (as would I) but if you are determined to keep him, then you need to employ a bit of strategy and ‘suddenly remember’ there are other men out there – at least as attractive and interesting as he is!

Question: How do I pacify an angry girl who won’t talk to me after I declared my feelings for her?

Answer: You don’t. If you told her you had feelings for her and she isn’t interested or rejected you, you need to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Frankly, if her reaction to your declaration was anger, I would assume that wasn’t particularly healthy and take on board the warning signs.

If you feel the need to pacify her before you’ve even got into a long term relationship then something isn’t right somewhere.

Go seek someone who IS worthy of your feelings and will reciprocate them.

If she has issues then of course I sympathise but sometimes other people’s problems are bigger than we are and we don’t have the tools to placate or pacify.

Question: I moved to a small town 100 days ago, and here nobody seems to be liking me. I haven’t managed to make friends so far. Am I wrong? How can I know?

Answer: 100 days is nothing. Honestly. Sometimes we can turn people off by trying too hard. Realistically you are not going to move into a town and have them all fall in love with you.

That’s the stuff of Hollywood.

Start small.

Find ONE person who you click with and build a friendship with them. Everything else will come in time.

You’re fine just as you are, you know. People just need time.

Question: How can you tell if a woman enjoys it when you flirt with her?

Answer: Because she reacts to you, rather than closes you down with defensive gestures – crossing her arms or legs, using a newspaper or book as a barrier, avoiding your gaze.

Stop trying so hard. Try to interact with her as a friend.

Get to know her as a person.

Far more effective than any of those terrible tips the ‘flirtation gurus’ give you for speed dating or seduction.

Humour is a great weapon. If you can make a woman laugh, you’ll go a long way.

Don’t focus on you, focus on creating a connection. Listen more than you talk

You’ll find some great tips in my flirtation post.

Question: He has a girlfriend so we can’t be together so why does he contact me daily?

We had a no string attached relationship for a year. He chose to cheat on his girlfriend. Yes, we have feelings for each other. I know we can’t be together as he is still with his girlfriend. He took her on vacation & still contacts me daily while with her. He tells me that misses me always and texts daily. Why? Is he in love?

Answer: When you say you had a no strings relationship for a year, was this before his latest girlfriend?

To be frank you are in the position of ‘mistress in waiting’. Others, more cynical, would say he wants to ‘have his cake and eat it’.

If he wanted to be with you he would dump his girlfriend. There is no easy way to say it and I hope that statement will make you angry.

Because you deserve better than to play second fiddle to a man who is probably quite happy with his girlfriend but enjoys stroking his own ego by keeping you dangling.

The true gauge of romantic attraction is ACTION.

Not words, not gestures, not promises to be together at some undefined point in the future.

This is probably an old fashioned view but I always think agreeing to a ‘no strings attached’ relationship means you don’t have too much confidence that your affection will be returned and are happy to take whatever you can get.

I think you should value yourself more highly. Accept he has a girlfriend.

And tell him CLEARLY that you will be interested WHEN he is single.

If he misses you THAT much then he will be hot-footing it over to you sharpish, won’t he?

Question: Is texting 150-200 times a day with one’s boyfriend or girlfriend normal these days, or is it unhealthy for a relationship?

Answer: No it isn’t normal. It sounds either deeply compulsive, controlling or on the way to stalking. We’re talking about texting 15–20 times an hour through the day aren’t we?

And, as I’ve often written, concentrating on texting is a way of avoiding having a real relationship where you actually talk to the person involved.

This amount of texting must surely be affecting other aspects of life – study, holding down a job, relationships with other people.

I suspect this isn’t the only area of compulsive behaviour and if this is the case, it’s time to seek some help and guidance either via a doctor or counsellor or, as the first point of call, a trusted family member or friend.

If you are texting that amount you surely can’t be happy.

How would you have responded to these questions? I’d love to know.  Find more advice on my problem pages here.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

What to tell yourself when you’re tempted to interfere

It dawned on me last night after yet another “put my foot in it” moment that there is something very simple to tell yourself when you are tempted to interfere, meddle or offer unsolicited advice.  A sure-fire way, I think, to stop interfering.


An interesting concept I have come across whilst reading the acreage of self-help tomes which fill our groaning bookshelves is that our daily lives are very much a product of the thoughts we constantly run in our heads.

And most of these thoughts are endless reruns – like a hamster on a wheel.  Our world, such as it is, is literally constrained by the number and variety of thoughts gambolling through our minds.

Thoughts, according to the Law of Attraction, become things.

Now, you may not believe in magic but if you consider, everything you have created in your life started off as a thought – and this includes the bad things as well as the good.

Your thoughts tend to create your beliefs.  Your beliefs tend to create your feelings and then your feelings release more thoughts which lead to actions. It’s a never-ending cycle if you are unaware of it.

It’s a bit like constantly running the same old movie over and over again.  Or, you could choose to think of it as reading yourself the same never-ending story.

But, and this is my point, your story is not my story.  You have no way of knowing what is really going on in my head (unless you are a neuro-linguistic programming expert, in which case you may be able to ‘read’ me quite well).

You can change your own story by unearthing the thoughts which trigger your beliefs.  For example, you may be reluctant to date after a bad relationship because you think you are unattractive, or unlovable.

You may believe you are destined to be alone.  You may feel too anxious to even think about someone new and the resulting action will be to hide at home and to reject the friendly smiles of anyone who tries to strike up a relationship with you.

But this won’t necessarily be true for the friend you have been pushing to come out clubbing or bowling or any other form of tortuous organised ‘fun’.  (I’m not big on ‘organised fun’ – can you tell?)

M* is a terrible interferer.  She just cannot help but offer advice, even if it is based on random googling and something she read on Facebook.

M* finds she frequently upsets her elderly parents by offering her thoughts on subjects such as applying for a carer’s allowance and buying the right type of mattress for the elderly.

She constantly cautions about hiring unvetted workmen and fears (not without some justification) that her parents will be conned into endless charitable donations.  M* just cannot stop interfering.

This advice is met with a certain degree of grumpiness and hurt feelings from her parents who feel that they should be allowed to make their own decisions since they are still in full control of their faculties!

This leads M* to add the burden of guilt to her worry and her compulsion to offer advice.

C* has the same compulsion to ‘advise’ on her best friend’s separation and divorce.  She has been pushing her friend to seek legal advice and has told her that she should make sure she has a secret nest-egg to protect herself in the event that her husband ‘takes her to the cleaners’.

C* thinks everything should be sorted out immediately whereas her friend is carefully negotiating the mine-field of hurt feelings and coping with three teenage children who are equally bewildered.

And, unsurprisingly, C* finds her advice rejected and there is a certain frost in the air between her and her best friend.

It is so difficult, isn’t it, to refrain from offering advice but if you are reaching the stage where you are no longer feeling good about it, and your relationships are suffering, here’s what you need to tell yourself.

“It’s Not My Story”.

Because, you know, it really isn’t.  Half the time, the advice we give is already known by the other person. By the time you get to your 30s, most of us are pretty savvy and know how the world works. We hear what we want to hear.

Of course, if a friend’s partner is cheating, or they are being abused then the situation is different. Your actions will depend on your own moral compass and your beliefs.  You may feel you have a duty to intervene – but even then, it’s still not your story.

So when you feel compelled to advise or interfere (and especially with your partner who views interfering as nagging),  sometimes it won’t hurt to step back and let them make their own decisions. This also applies to your children. We grow by experience and learning how to deal with these experiences, both practically and emotionally.    It’s not your story.

Instead of rushing in with warnings of dire consequences from something you’ve read in the papers, why not take a moment, make yourself a coffee and ask what’s happening for you in your story today.

As busy mums, that might be a much-needed interference.

Things You Should Discuss Early In The Relationship

A new relationship is always exciting – it feels like you can talk for hours and never get tired of each other. That’s what dopamine and oxytocin do! Getting to know each other is a good thing since it helps you to build your own language and avoid lots of misunderstandings.

 

Of course, some parts of life should remain private. However, there are some things in your life that you shouldn’t hide from your new partner. If you want to build a healthy relationship, here is what you need to discuss at the very beginning:

Your Goals For The Future

Some people believe that speaking about your goals with other people is not a good idea. Your partner is not a random person, no matter how long you’ve been together. Your partner deserves to know your future plans since they might not line up with theirs. That’s OK. If you truly care about each other, you will be able to find a middle ground and be together while building a successful career.

If you discuss it early in the relationship, you will be able to prevent disappointment in the future once things get too serious.

 

Your Sexual Preferences

Sex helps to indicate desire and trust in the relationship. That’s why it’s crucial to talk openly about sex in the very beginning. Sexual compatibility includes relationship orientation, frequency, and duration of sex, turn-ons and turnoffs, and preferred environment.

You need to lay the course for your sex life with a new partner and speak up in case you see room for improvement. Having an honest conversation is necessary at every stage of your relationship. If you can’t decide on sex position together, how will you discuss and decide on more serious things such as moving in together?

Try to be delicate when speaking about your sex life with a new partner. Look for words carefully as you shouldn’t offend or scare your partner away.

Your Definition of Love

According to experts at Beyond Ages, if you want to have a healthy relationship, come up with your own rules. You will not get disappointed in case you tell your partner about your expectations, what makes you happy and what upsets you.

We all look differently at the concept of love, so make sure to let your significant other know how you see it.

Your Addictions

Opening up to a new partner is not easy, but it’s necessary in order to build a better future together. If you see that this relationship is going somewhere, your partner deserves to know about your addictions- past and current.

Your new partner can help you cope with addiction and create a new life where it is easier not to do drugs.

Telling them will bring you closer, so don’t be afraid to open up and be vulnerable in front of someone who loves you.

Your Mental Health Issues

The stigma surrounding mental health issues makes it so difficult to tell the loved ones about your mental health issues. Sharing what you are going through can be scary for a number of reasons. You might be afraid that your new partner will walk away, judge you, or make fun of it. Even if that happens, it’s better to know about it before things get too serious.

If your new partner is a good person, they will be there for you, supporting and helping you find enjoyment in everyday life. Having people who love and care for you can work better than pills or self-solation. So, be honest with yourself and your partner.

Your Financial History

Talking about money can be very awkward at the beginning of the relationship. If you plan on moving in together, it’s necessary to learn each other’s spending habits and share information about possible debts.

It’s important to understand whether you have the same financial standing. If you have very different financial backgrounds and can’t afford something, make sure to discuss it as soon as possible since it will help to prevent lots of awkward situations.

History of Your Broken Heart

Speaking about your ex on the first date might not be a good idea. However, if you start a new relationship, discussing your emotional baggage would be necessary. This kind of conversation will make you closer and help your partner to understand what doesn’t work for you in the relationship. So, don’t repeat the same negative pattern, speak to your new partner as much as you can.

How Can You Financially Prepare for Divorce?

It’s stressful enough when you’re living through a relationship breakdown but it is crucial to be aware of your financial situation when you are facing a divorce. Whether you married in church or had a civil partnership in a registry office, you might be hoping to handle the legal work yourself. In reality, however, dissolving a marriage is a complex process for which you are likely to need the professional help from legal experts such as Cartwright King solicitors who will help you to sort out your finances when divorcing and will guide you throughout the whole process.

We are all familiar with the concept of a “prenuptial agreement” which determines what will happen to the couple’s finances in the event of a relationship breaks or a divorce, but how many people think to sort this out.  Whilst it is eminently practical, lots of people view it as rather unromantic – until their relationship breaks down of course.

Sorting out a divorce or dissolution of marriage on your own

When you and your ex-partner agree on the conditions of a divorce or dissolution, you can try to arrange it by yourself. It is often quite a different matter, however, when there are children involved. It is possible that, if you do not have children, reaching an agreement about the finances can be done with relative ease. The same applies where there are adult children who are no longer dependent on you.

Dependency is an important factor.  If one of you is dependent on the other, for example where one of you works and the other does not and is supported financially by their partner, the process of sorting out the matrimonial finances may be long and difficult.

Whilst you can sort out your divorce yourself in England and Wales, the law is quite different in Scotland and Northern Ireland.

In Scotland, when you have children who are not yet 16 years old, you cannot use the option of simplified divorce or dissolution. As a citizen of Northern Ireland, the do-it-yourself option requires you to represent yourself in court – something lots of us would quake at.

There are many advantages of doing things by yourself because that is cheaper and you have direct control over what you decide to do. But if your ex-partner is not willing to agree with you on some issues, dealing with a divorce on your own may not be the best option.

Professional help when things get complicated

To prevent a lengthy and bitter divorce, you may need some professional help. A solicitor will make your agreement legally binding and will help you get through divorce. You can find different solutions that will help you to get through the process of divorce. Mediators can be helpful when you want to agree on how to split investments, property and savings. Before applying to the court, mediation is needed, and you will need to show that you have participated in meetings to see whether this solution is right for you. Exceptions are family situations where domestic abuse was involved. A professional solicitor is needed in cases when one of you or both are running a business, or when you have a child financially dependent on you.

Financial security after a divorce

Two people with independent sources of income have better financial status than just one earning money. But it happens that in a marriage, one person is giving up their professional career, for example, to raise children. In this case, such a person has a right to assert their claims in the court. It is best to hire a solicitor, who is going to give you information about your financial rights that you would not otherwise be aware of. You have to remember that it is not the cheapest way to handle a divorce, but will be beneficial in the future as you will secure your assets.

Remember about calling a professional solicitor if you have a medical problem or disability that affects your ability to earn. Also, if in order to raise children, you were forced to quit your job.

The last factor that should lead you to getting professional help is a situation when one of you has more assets than the other. That occurs, e.g., when your home is registered in the name of one person, or if one of you managed to earn a much higher pension than the other party during their working life).

Summary

Just counting the potential court costs during a lengthy trial gives you a clear picture that divorce is neither pleasant nor cheap. Sorting things out in harmony pays off. It is worth getting along, even with uneasy relations. If we let the court decide for us, it may turn out that we will not only incur high costs, but we will get less than we expected.

Which Year Of Marriage Is The Hardest?

Statistics tell us that the average marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 7 years and in this post you’ll find some of the reasons why this may be so. You will learn a lot both while there is still hope in you and when all you can think about is: how long does it take for a divorce?  Below you’ll find some of the mechanisms that govern the dynamics of a relationship in the hope that these will shed some light on your situation.

Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash

Scientific factors affecting the quality of a relationship

Love is one of the most elusive, hard to define psychological phenomena. At the moment, Sternberg’s theory is the most popular and comprehensive approach trying to explain it. Robert Sternberg from the Psychology Department at Yale University developed the triangular theory of love.

This theory consists of three factors, which are: passion, intimacy and commitment. Besides those factors, we can differentiate six stages of the relationship, which, according to Sternberg, are:

  1. Falling in love
  2. Romantic beginnings
  3. Complete relationship
  4. Friendly relationship
  5. Empty relationship
  6. Relationship breakup

The dynamics of these three essential factors of love change during the sequence of relationship phases. Sternberg says every stage has a different proportion of these indicators.

It is natural for love at first sight, to be full of passion. However, in an “empty” relationship, only commitment is left, there is no intimacy or passion. Passion is responsible for a strong feeling of emotions, both positive and negative as jealousy. When passion is gone, the couple can only be friends.

The second factor – intimacy – is manifested through mutual understanding, sharing experiences and goods, giving and receiving trust and support.

Commitment is a third factor, which manifests itself in a conscious decision about a lasting relationship, despite the obstacles. The relationship where commitment is the last remaining one, unfortunately, is called an empty love. Very often, the partners conclude that the solution in this situation is to divorce.

Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash

The hardest year

Seven is generally considered a lucky number, but not for the course of the relationship. The average duration of the first marriage ending in divorce is 7.8 years.

Regardless of when problems arise, it is worth being sensitive to the early signs that a crisis is coming. One of them is difficulty in communication between partners. We must be able to talk to each other on any subject. Therefore, when mutual understanding begins to fail, it becomes clear that the relationship is going through serious problems. It happens that things do not always work out the way we want.

Noticing an important defect in another person often eliminates the beneficial effects of their advantages. When we get rid of the lack of realism in perceiving and assessing our partner, then the passion that required their total worship fades out.

After such a time, mutual indifference comes into play. When we disregard everything related to the person we live with, there is no harmony. People who love and care about each other see every change in their partners. They are interested in his life, current affairs and feelings. They want to know everything about their loved one. There is nothing worse for two people than indifference.

How to survive a difficult period in a relationship?

Commitment often prevents us from parting – particularly when there are children involved. It usually means a cold calculation related to formal obstacles to breaking; it is an effort put into the relationship, a positive balance of profits and losses in the relationship. Such a relationship is only a remnant of love because based on the same commitment, you have to reckon with the possibility that one of the partners will have a desire of change and will give up the continuation of such a relationship.

Sometimes it seems to you that your relationship no longer has a chance, but often then you discover how much you love your partner. If you want to save this relationship, you have to put some work into it.

Celebrating rituals and customs is helpful. It doesn’t take much, just a kiss for a good morning or a joint dinner, but always repeated. Treating rituals like holiness strengthens the couple, protecting them from inevitable crises. However, the basis is communication. When the ability to talk and accept the other party’s arguments is defective, real problems arise.

Summary

Every relationship is unique. You need to consider what you expect from being with another person. At the beginning of the article, we have described different relationship models. For example, a relationship deprived of the element of passion takes the form of a friendly relationship. And for many people, entering into a friendly relationship means the most satisfying period for their relationship. Therefore, the lack of any of the elements does not necessarily mean the end. It all depends on you.

Want an Injunction? 10 Reasons you Don’t Want Your Ex to See Your Kids

So, you want to know why someone might get an injunction on their partner or ex-partner? To find out why this might be the only answer for many, read on…

An injunction, in the form of a non-molestation order, is a court order to prevent a family member or ex-partner from seeing your kids. For the health and safety of all involved, this really could be the last resort.

Maybe you’re unsure why anyone would stop their ex-partner or partner from seeing their children? Alternatively, you might want to apply for an injunction yourself, and are unsure if your situation fits? Or, perhaps you’re even looking into disputing a non-molestation order placed on you, and want to hear the facts?

Whatever the case, a non-molestation order might just be the only answer there is at this point. To discover more, read on…

What is an Injunction?

An injunction is basically a restraining order. By applying for one through a court, you can stop a person from harassing you, or getting too close to you, with the threat of imprisonment or a fine. There are two types of injunction when it comes to family law, and these include:

  • Non-Molestation Order: this prevents your ex-partner or partner from pestering, approaching, or threatening you and/or your child.
  • Occupation Order: this is an injunction order on property, and regulates who is able to live in the family home or the surrounding area. So, even if they still live with you, you can restrain them from entering the home.

In each case, the order is in place to ensure the protection of you and your child. Through preventing any unwanted violence, harassment, or danger, you can better ensure your health and safety is prioritised.

When Can You Apply for a Non-Molestation Order?

A non-molestation order doesn’t just apply to parents. It can apply to any family member or partner falling under these categories:

  • You are or have been in a marriage or civil partnership
  • You have a physical
  • You have lived or cohabited with one another.
  • You are blood-related.
  • You share parental responsibility with them.

10 Reasons You Might Not Want Your Ex to See Your Kids

All of this may sound a little extreme, and you might be wondering, “why would anyone stop their ex from seeing their kids?” Well, you might be surprised to learn that there are actually a huge number of reasons why they might do so. Although there could be more specific reasons out there, some common reasons to get a non-molestation order include:

1.     They Physically Abused the Kids

The sad truth is that there are a huge number of children who suffer from abuse from their parents. In fact, it’s estimated that around one in five UK adults said they experienced abuse, in some way, shape, or form, as a child. These figures are pretty staggering, and it can be assumed that there are a similar number of children going through the same right now.

Physical abuse is not only detrimental to a child’s physical health but also their mental health too. Yes, they may experience bumps, bruises, and pain along the way. That said, it is the mental scarring that will last a lifetime, and this should be avoided at all costs.

2.     They Physically Abused You

Okay, so what if your ex abused you, and not the kids? Should you stop them from seeing your kids in this case?

The whole point of an injunction is that you perceive this person to be a threat. If they have abused you at some point, what’s to say that they won’t abuse the kids when they’re alone together too? Making sure you protect them from this possibility is paramount to ensure their safety.

3.     They Are Controlling and Coercive

In a similar way, your ex might also be a controlling person. Although this might not necessarily seem like a reason to prevent contact with the children, a controlling person could be very harmful. Someone who is coercive or controlling might exhibit the following tendencies:

  • They use emotional blackmail on you or the kids, like withdrawing affection, to make them feel guilty for not doing certain things;
  • Manipulation and lying;
  • Turning the children against you;
  • Controlling you or the children’s finances;
  • Showing extreme jealousy and paranoia;
  • Making you or the children feel worthless;
  • You or the kids are frightened of them;
  • Gaslighting you, to make you feel crazy;
  • Humiliating you or the children in front of friends or family;
  • Isolating you and the children from the outside world.

As you can see, a controlling person is not someone you’d want to have around your kids. Through emotional manipulation and often physical and sexual abuse too, a controlling person can be very dangerous. Having this person out of all your lives is much more important than preserving a parental link.

4.     They Are in Criminal Trouble

This one should go without saying really, but if your ex is constantly in and out of prison, this person is likely a threat. Whether it be a violent charge, a drug-related charge, or something in between, it’s likely that this person is not a great role-model for their children.

Of course, in some cases, having been in trouble doesn’t mean they will be again. If your ex has rehabilitated and made it out of confinement with a new perspective, by all means, don’t get an injunction immediately. That said, there is no harm in being wary of jumping into this, so an injunction could be necessary.

5.     Their Home is Unfit for Children

In cases of adoption and fostering, a house check is necessary to ensure the home is fit for child use. However, the same can’t be said for birth parents, so it’s down to the other half to ensure their ex’s home is appropriate for children.

This includes making sure there are no weapons or sharp objects, or any nasty places to slip or fall. Also, it’s important to check for damp and mould, as breathing this in over a prolonged period of time can be very dangerous. If this isn’t the case, and they refuse to do anything about it, some more extreme measures may need to be put in place.

6.     Their Parenting is Inappropriate

Inappropriate parenting is definitely something that kids must be shielded from. After all, parents are the ultimate role models for their children and can shape their own life choices. Some clear signs of inappropriate parenting to look out for are:

  • Drinking a lot around the child;
  • Taking drugs around them;
  • Having parties in the house whilst they’re there;
  • Having sexual relations with someone whilst the kids are around;
  • Or swearing excessively around them.

7.     They are an Addict

If you’re worried that your ex-partner is an alcohol or drug addict, then it’s important to shield your children from this. At the same time, don’t forget that someone who is an addict often has no control, so helping them where you can is so important too.

8.     They Neglect the Children

Similar to abuse, neglect is also a reason to apply for a non-molestation order. Neglect could come in a number of forms, but it mainly consists of:

  • Physical neglect: the basic human needs of the children aren’t met, including being fed, watered, and housed.
  • Emotional neglect: the parent ignores their child, so they aren’t played with or nurtured in the way they should be.
  • Medical neglect: the parent refuses to take their child to the doctor or dentist when they need to.

A child who is neglected may have poor hygiene, seem emotionally distant, and may have developmental problems, amongst other issues. So, if you notice that your children come back home from your ex’s home exhibiting any of these factors, you may need to think twice.

9.     They Don’t Take the Kids to School

Another form of neglect, but one which must be monitored on its own, is whether the parent takes their children to school. Making sure a child gets the education they need is paramount to their development; socially and cognitively.

If your ex doesn’t take that time out of their day to take them to school and supervise their homework each day, something must be done. Naturally, talking to them should be the first step, but if they refuse to make a change, an injunction can be put in place.

10. Their Friends are Dangerous

Finally, if your ex invited friends over to the house who seem to be a little on the threatening side, this is a warning sign. If they’re associating themselves with people like this, who’s to say they’re not exposing the children to this too.

What’s more, if their friends seem threatening, perhaps your ex is also threatening to other people? Protecting the children from this danger is paramount.

Think You Might Need an Injunction?

An injunction, in the form of a non-molestation order, is certainly a last straw. However, if you feel that you or your children are in danger, this is certainly the best option for you.

Have you ever filed for an injunction yourself, or do you think this might be on the cards for you? Perhaps you’ve simply learnt something new about why someone might file for a non-molestation order after reading this. Leave any thought in the comments down below; let’s start a conversation!

Powerful Ways To Overcome Self Doubt

One of the hardest things that some people ever do is transform themselves from a person full of self-doubt to a self-assured person that believes in themselves. But, the truth is that no matter where you are in life right now, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, opportunities you’ve passed up, or what’s happened to you in life, you can overcome your self-doubt and start believing in yourself. This is true even if you had a poor upbringing and even if you’ve never believed in yourself before. It’s within your power, and it will change your life completely.

So, congratulations on getting this and reading it, soaking it in, and implementing the suggestions. Once you do, within just a short period of time you’ll start feeling better about yourself, feel more confident, successful and know that your future is bright.

Let’s get started learning how you can overcome self-doubt and believe in yourself.

What Is Self-Doubt?

The dictionary defines self-doubt as, “the lack of confidence in oneself and one’s abilities.” This is a very good definition, but it doesn’t fully demonstrate the problems caused by self-doubt and not believing in yourself.

Think about these questions:

  • What are the dangers of self-doubt?
  • How does self-doubt affect your life?
  • Where does self-doubt come from?
  • And most importantly, how do you overcome it?

As we go through this post, I’ll give the answers to all these questions and more. If it helps, take notes as you read through when you notice issues that resonate most with your current situation. Everyone has different issues, reasons for their self-doubt, and problems in their life. You’re a unique person and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.

The Dangers of Self-Doubt and How It Affects Your Life

There are many dangers inherent in hanging on to self-doubt that you should be aware of. If you suffer from self-doubt, it’s important to understand the type of damage you’re doing to yourself if you continue to hang on to it. It has affected your past, is affecting your present and can devastate your future if you don’t deal with it. Here’s why.

  • Self-Doubt Damages Motivation – When you don’t think you can do much, and don’t trust yourself to do something right, fear can get in the way of doing anything. This can turn into a severe lack of motivation to do more than you have to just to get by. It can affect your entire life because you may have fewer satisfying relationships, a job you hate, and not enjoy life much.
  • Self-Doubt Causes Procrastination – If you don’t think you know how to do things “right” then you may end up thinking you’re a perfectionist, which is just a way to procrastinate and never finish anything or finish it at the last minute. This is how you set yourself up for failure. No one is perfect and perfection is not necessary to thrive in this life.
  • Self-Doubt Leads to Regret – When you miss opportunities, you will experience regret. Regret, when left unresolved, can lead to chronic stress and anxiety. This will then build upon itself to create even more self-doubt, which will create more regret, and so on.
  • Self-Doubt Causes Defeatism – If you allow self-doubt to continue, you can start to become almost morbid in your belief that you cannot experience anything good or happy. It’s essentially an acceptance of failure.
  • Self-Doubt Stunts Self-Improvement – When you have no faith in yourself, it’s hard to even think about self-improvement. You think you have too much to improve because you can’t do anything, and maybe you even think you’re a victim of your circumstances to a point that you cannot achieve even if you try.
  • Self-Doubt Stifles Inspiration – When you don’t believe in yourself, it’s hard to get inspired to do anything new or to create anything new. Ending the self-doubt will bring out the creativity you already really have.

As you can see and may have experienced yourself, self-doubt can be dangerous and these are all good reasons on their own to work toward overcoming self-doubt and learning to believe in yourself.

How to Identify Where Your Self-Doubt Lies

Knowing how you developed self-doubt can sometimes help lead to recovering from that condition. You can build self-esteem by getting to the bottom of how it happened. Some people did have self-esteem at one point, then lost it. Some never had it in the first place.

No matter how you determine what causes your self-doubt, you’ll be able to overcome it. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that developed over time or something you learned in childhood. You can work toward building your belief in yourself so that you can overcome self-doubt.

Limiting Beliefs Learned in Childhood

Unfortunately, many people learn to put off their dreams and limit their ideas due to well-meaning parents (or sometimes they’re not so well-meaning but perhaps abusive parents) who are also stuck in their own self-doubting lives and cannot ever envision anything different. This happens a lot in communities where people are often born very poor and end up lacking experiences and education to see beyond their own lives to the possibilities that are outside their world.

It’s not usually the fact that parents want to keep their kids from dreaming; they’re just trying to be realistic. When their child tells them about their big dream to travel the world and become a writer, they react in fear and make statements that may be statistically true but that limit their child.

For example, they might discourage their child from becoming a writer by telling them no one makes money writing, or they might discourage their child from becoming anything that is above what they’re used to due to the fear of the costs and the fear that their child really can’t do it even if they try. But this is only due to their own lack of success and understanding of life.

This rubs off on the kids. That’s why statistically most people do not break out of the class they were born to. The exciting thing to remember, though, is that some people do, and the reason they do is they were able to see and envision the possibilities and then take the action to see it through.

Past Experiences from Bad Relationships

If you used to have a good self-image and didn’t suffer from much self-doubt but then suddenly or over time started to develop self-doubt, it’s possible that you allowed your past experiences and bad relationships to get into your head and create this self-doubting experience.

It can be a parent relationship, a friendship, a love interest, a spouse, even a child who is dragging you down and creating the self-doubt in your life. These relationships are sometimes defined as toxic relationships. Unfortunately, a toxic relationship can involve any type of relationship, both relatives to non-relatives.

If you’ve been in a relationship where a person criticizes and cuts down your ideas and tells you that it’s impossible, or tells you about all that can go wrong or is even abusive to you about your ideas, you may have learned your self-doubt from past relationships. If you are still in any of these relationships, it may be time to end it if you cannot explain to the person that you are going to do what you’re going to do regardless of their opinion due to fear of abuse.

Bad Work Environments and Experiences

At some point in your life, if you had a job of any kind that turned into a bad experience (especially if it started with your first job), this can stunt you for a lifetime if you let it. Sadly, many people, especially those who take service-oriented jobs or lower paying jobs, end up with bad experiences.

Even some people who have higher paying jobs can allow criticism to affect them so badly that they develop a fear of failure which causes them to not take risks. This in turn ends up causing them to get bad job reviews. Then after a bad job review, the person may react badly to that and end up more stuck.

As you can see, this path can end up affecting a person badly at the time and in their future if they are unable to understand that sometimes things happen to good people. They can’t accept that they’re a good person and a bad thing happened to them. Or they can’t learn from their mistakes and realize that they can do better next time. This is a dangerous pattern that can grow and become more than it should.

Lack of Life Experiences

Sometimes a person can suffer from self-doubt simply due to a lack of experience. If you were overly sheltered in childhood, were sick, or had issues that caused you to not have a lot of experiences in life, that can turn into fear, anxiety, and even other problems such as agoraphobia that prevent you from stepping out of your comfort zone. If you have no successful experiences to look back on, it can be hard to imagine success. If you have only experienced failure, it can be doubly hard to envision success later.

Whatever the reason for these experiences: overprotective parents, an illness, undiagnosed mental illness, being super-shy… whatever is causing it needs to be addressed so that you can start experiencing small successes and know what if feels like. If you don’t know what that feels like, it’s going to be hard to move forward.

Your Post Code

This can be hard to accept for some people, but where you are born makes a huge difference in how you view the world and your own place and potential in it. If you’re born on third base, you can still experience self-doubt if you have controlling parents who see only one way that you can have success, such as following in the family business when you don’t want to. But most of the time it’s because you were born either in a place without a lot of opportunities or you were born to parents who, while loving, are poor.

The sad fact is that most people do not escape the situation they were born into today. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t. It just means that due to lack of vision, most people only know what’s inside their own small portion of the world, and don’t have their eyes open to the possibilities out there for them.

Just by reading this, no matter what your situation is, you are getting your eyes opened to the possibilities in the world to escape your circumstances and make the most of your life in a way that makes you thrive. That’s a great thing and can make so much difference.

Undiagnosed Anxiety

Anxiety can actually be a symptom of self-doubt, but it goes in a circle. Self-doubt can cause anxiety and if you can find a way to address the anxiety, you may be able to lessen the effects of your self-doubt. Many people who have anxiety describe it as a bad feeling of a million butterflies in their stomachs whenever they think of doing something that makes them uncomfortable.

Often, this feeling is so bad that the person suffers from panic attacks, which can be debilitating. Some people don’t get the panic attacks but they don’t push themselves beyond that feeling of butterflies that they experience as unpleasant. There is a theory that adrenaline junkies see this same feeling as positive and they seek it out, whereas a person with anxiety uses that same feeling to stop doing anything that causes that feeling. Interesting, isn’t it?

If you suspect that you have anxiety, it can be hard to even get the help you need by going to your doctor and telling them about it because that also makes you anxious. You fear they’ll think you’re silly. But you can get help with your anxiety by seeking help from your doctor.

Some anxiety is caused by vitamin deficiencies, so your doctor will likely perform some blood tests and they may recommend you see a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications to help you (at least on a temporary basis) so that you can start experiencing success instead of being blocked from it.

It’s important not to allow this to cause you to stay stuck in your current patterns. The healthiest people seek help and even if you don’t want to take medications, there is help for you to overcome anxiety disorders naturally too.

Established Patterns

Often people experience self-doubt simply due to patterns they’ve established since childhood, or in some place in adulthood that sent them down a bad path of experiencing failure or even something traumatic.

For example, everything could have been going fine, then something traumatic happened like a car accident, a death in the family, and so forth. This may start leading you down a path of repeating bad patterns or accepting that your life is just going to be full of failure and you won’t go anywhere. However, this is something you can overcome by changing your patterns.

The process requires that you are introspective enough to be able to see the truth about yourself, your choices, your relationships, and more about your life. Then you’ll need to be able to take decisive action that will help you start to experience success in your life that you can build on as you overcome your self-doubt and start believing in yourself. Even now, there are so many reasons that you should believe in yourself. Once you start realizing that, this part should be simple.

Reasons to Believe in Yourself

Let’s go over some reasons that you should believe in yourself so that you can combat and rid your life of self-doubt. The fact is, this something that must come from within and not from other people. The idea that if you don’t believe in yourself no one else will is very true. That might seem harsh, but it’s a fact that you’ll need to deal with in your quest to develop your new belief in yourself.

Read the information below, take it in, and really believe it. It’s true of everyone, and you are included in this. You were born with everything you need to experience success in life. Your success may look different from someone else’s success and that’s okay. You should be the one who is happy living your life because it’s your life to live.

  • You Deserve It – You really do deserve to have a happy, full, and successful life that you enjoy. You can and should wake up each day ready and psyched to continue each day, no matter what it brings. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to rid yourself of self-doubt. You deserve to live a life that invigorates you, regardless of your circumstances. Even if you are experiencing challenges that no one else can relate to, you can still overcome them and live a fulfilling life.
  • Your Current Relationships – Look at the relationships you have now that are successful. The ones that make you happy. The ones that are supportive. The ones where you are supportive and helpful and make you feel needed. They likely believe in you, and you believe in them. Imagine if you told those people how you feel inside about yourself; wouldn’t they support you and try to talk you out of your self-doubt?
  • Where You Are Now – Even if you’re struggling now, you’ve survived this long, right? That means you’re doing something right. You’re alive and you’re able to get this and read it. That’s a positive that you should focus on right now. Focus on what you have right this moment that is good and that is a reason to believe in yourself.
  • Prior Success – If you’ve been successful at something, revel in that. Did you manage to get up this morning? That’s a success. Did you do well in school? That’s a success. Did you get a driver’s license? That’s a success. If you need to get down to the very smallest success, that’s okay. You don’t have to have huge successes to draw on to know what it feels like to be successful doing something.
  • You’re Just as Good as Others – Remember that you are just as good as someone else and deserve the life that you want to live. No one deserves it more than you do. No one is more special and for that fact neither are you. But, even though everyone is basically the same, we all have different ideas of what constitutes success and that too is just as good as the next person’s idea of success.

The truth is, if you look from a distance at your problems and put them into relation to the world, how important are they really? If you’ve made some bad choices that have resulted in going through a rough patch emotionally, financially, or spiritually, that’s okay – this is how you grow in life. You grow in life through experiences. It really is how you react to these struggles that make up who you are.

Let’s look at how to overcome negative thoughts so that you can better deal with self-doubt.

How to Overcome Negative Thoughts

It is possible to train your mind to overcome and turn negative thoughts around. Let’s look at some strategies to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts, or to at least stop the negative thoughts faster when they start.

  • Change the Focus – When you encounter a negative situation, try to immediately turn it into something positive by focusing on what you can learn about the situation. Even if all you learn is that you don’t want to do that again, that’s a positive thing.
  • Most People Don’t Care – The truth is, even if you say the wrong thing or dress what you think is wrong for an event or do something that you feel embarrassed about, most people don’t care that much. If you can develop the ability to laugh at the situation, that’s even better. Most people really don’t have time to think about your bad choices, especially if it doesn’t affect them.
  • Ask Whether You’re Being Too Serious – Sometimes it’s easy to take something seriously when it shouldn’t be. Does it really matter if you slipped and fell when you were trying to sit in your seat at work? Does it really matter that you put on the wrong shoes? Does it really matter that much if you pronounced a word wrong? Don’t hyper-focus on one mistake or one bad day.
  • Replace Negativity in Your Life – Whether it’s people, places, or things, it’s time to rid your life of negativity when you can. Sometimes negative people attract negative people. If you want to be more positive, try to find new friends, new activities, and things that make you happy and feel positive.
  • Don’t Make Decisions Bigger Than They Are – Many people plagued with self-doubt tend to have trouble making decisions. Even if it’s just what to wear, what to eat, or what to buy, they’re turned into bigger situations than they are. When you are making any decision, ask yourself whether this is going to matter in a month, six months, or even five years from now. That way, you’ll be able to determine whether this is a serious situation you need to spend more time on or if you need to just make a choice and either get on with it or not.
  • Talk to Someone – Now, make sure the person you’re talking to is positive and doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes it helps to ask someone if you’re overacting, especially if you can find someone who understands how you’re trying to change your life and get over self-doubt. This may be a professional, a life coach, or a friend – even someone from a support group or an entire support group.
  • Stop Thinking About It – Sometimes negative thoughts can ruin the experience you’re living. It’s better to try to shelve the negative thoughts during the experience and try to really live in the moment. Being in the present enables you to truly realize that this thing isn’t negative at all, or not as much as your mind is trying to tell you. Then when you look back on it, you will likely be able to pick out a lot more positives than negatives.
  • Exercise – When it comes down to it, most of us have a lot of extra energy (adrenaline) that needs to be burned off. Some people realize this and that’s why they get moving. Whenever you start experiencing negative thoughts, instead of letting yourself do it, get some exercise. Go to the gym, go for a run, go for a walk, ride your bike, jump rope, go for a swim – anything that you can do that you like doing is a good thing to do instead of thinking negatively.
  • Realise When It’s Really Fear – Sometimes negativity will poke its head in your life when you’re doing something a little bit uncomfortable or pushing your comfort zone a bit. There is a quote by George Addair that is useful here, “Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” If you can remind yourself of this quote when you are experiencing negative thoughts associated with fear, you can overcome it.

It will help a lot with overcoming negative thoughts if you put these suggestions into action. You may come up with some of your own too. The point is, you want to turn negative thoughts around so that you can instead experience positivity in your day. That way, you don’t get stuck in a pattern of self-doubt.

Strategies for Dealing with Self-Doubt

Now, let’s go over some important ways to deal with self-doubt when it happens. Be assured that even the most successful person works to overcome self-doubt at times. Feeling self-doubt is not the problem. Letting self-doubt control you, make your decisions for you, and rule your life is the problem.

  • You’re Not Alone – Everyone experiences self-doubt and whether you have friends, family, or anyone to talk to right now about this, you are not alone in your feelings. It’s all how you react to it that matters. You can find others to commiserate with by joining Facebook groups or other types of groups and forums to help feel less alone with your issues.
  • Keep a Journal – One way to overcome self-doubts is to keep a journal to help remind yourself of accomplishments that you have experienced. You can talk about the self-doubt you felt and how you pushed through it. It doesn’t have to be a false representation of what you’re doing, but do try to focus on the positives of each situation and what you learned from it.
  • Don’t Compare Yourself to Others – The worst thing you can do is to make comparisons of your life to someone else’s. This only breeds more self-doubt and even jealousy. The truth is, you have no idea what other people have gone through to be where they are, or even if they’re really being honest about their situation. You only know the truth about your own situation.
  • Learn Gratitude – Every single event in life has something to be grateful for. Even the worst things can be turned around to be a lesson that can help you in the next situation in your life. People who have overcome the worst things that you can imagine – death, crime, illness – all have one thing in common: that’s their ability to see the positives in it or at least be grateful they knew the person, loved the person, or something good.
  • Set Small, Immediate Goals – One way to overcome issues with self-doubt is to experience success. Start setting small goals that allow you to experience immediate success. It depends where you are in your journey, but success can be as small as getting up in the morning, to going to the store, to something more challenging like applying for new jobs. (Note that this said “applying for new jobs”, not getting one.)
  • Surround Yourself with Positive People – Take the time to pick out people you already know who makes you feel good about yourself. If you don’t have those people in your life, it’s time to seek them out. You can find people via meetups online, taking a class, group meetings, a book club and so forth. The important thing is to start being around positive people more.
  • Learn to Respect Obstacles – Everyone has obstacles that prevent them from experiencing full joy and push them back into self-doubt. Everyone. The way to deal with these issues is to respect the fact that you may have something to learn or gain from the experience. Find a way to respect the obstacles that are put in front of you and learn from them.
  • Learn from Mistakes – When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, accept it and learn from it. Sometimes it helps to write down the experience in your journal with a focus on what you learned and how you’ll do it differently if that comes up again.
  • Know When to Walk Away – There are times when giving up is not a failure. There are many times in life where you try something but it’s just not working for you and it’s time to walk away. That may be a business choice, a relationship choice, or something else entirely. If it’s causing you too much stress that cannot be overcome, it’s time to leave it and move on.
  • It’s OK to Be Uncomfortable – One thing to realize about life is that it’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. You won’t grow if you don’t experience some discomfort. That doesn’t mean you have to be into mental, physical, or spiritual torture; it’s just that feeling a little fearful, uncomfortable or unsure is natural. Put things into perspective so that you know you’re making good choices.
  • Assess Your Strengths and Weaknesses – One way to deal with self-doubt is to honestly figure out where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Then, develop your strength and even improve upon your weaknesses when you can. Sometimes the way you improve a weakness is to let someone else deal with it. For example, if you’re a bad cook but you want to lose weight, and don’t want to learn to cook, it’s okay to order a meal kit or to get someone else to do it if you have the ability. There is always a way around a weakness. The strengths you possess naturally can also be improved upon almost painlessly.
  • Get Accountability – When you are trying to overcome self-doubt and start believing in yourself, it can help to have someone around who can offer accountability. This can be a life coach, a counsellor, a friend or a group. It’s best not to choose a friend without their knowledge, though. If you have a positive friend who is willing to help you, that’s okay. But if they don’t know what they’re doing, they may lead you astray. A life coach is a great way to help build your self-image and overcome self-doubt so that you can believe in yourself because they have training and know their role.

These strategies for dealing with self-doubt will not work for you if you don’t implement them. The issues with self-doubt are so serious that they can make you stuck in a life that you don’t want and aren’t loving. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and that can spiral into a bad situation.

If you really want to experience true joy in life, believe in yourself, and get rid of the debilitating self-doubt you’re experiencing, start implementing now. Don’t delay or make excuses.

What to Do Right Now

Now that you’ve read all of that, you are probably wondering where to start, so use this last part to get yourself organized and ready for change. If you really want to overcome self-doubt and start believing in yourself, it will take action on your part. So, let’s get started.

Pinpoint Where Your Self-Doubt Began

Using what you’ve learned, it’s important to figure out where your self-doubt began. It may be from childhood, in which case it may take some professional help to overcome it. It may be something you fell into due to other issues that need to be identified. If you’re in a toxic relationship, for example, you may have to work on getting out of it before you can move forward.

Honestly Assess Your Strengths and Weaknesses

One way to do this is to get out some paper and a writing utensil, and simply write on one side of the paper your strengths, and on the other side your weaknesses. Then take a highlighter and highlight the things you want to work on to improve your strengths and the things you would like to do better in terms of your weaknesses.

Get a Physical from a Doctor

This is important because sometimes self-doubt is caused by anxiety and sometimes anxiety can be caused by vitamin deficiencies. Get a vitamin panel and tell your doctor that you’re experiencing anxiety. They’ll know which vitamins to test for to ensure that you can get the information you need.

Eat Right and Exercise

This may seem silly, but eating right and exercising can be one of your first successes and experiences that you can look back to that show that you make good choices. This small thing can give you the confidence you need to stop having so much self-doubt in your life, building your ability to believe in yourself. If all you do is add more water, more fruits, and veggies and start walking each day, that’s going to help a lot.

Buy a Journal

Find a good paper journal that you can write in each day before you go to bed and when you first wake up. It’s good to do this without technology because it’ll be something you can do without causing you to experience extra stress from the blue light in technology that can cause people to experience anxiety and insomnia.

Seek Out Help

Whether you have a friend you know will help you, or you feel the need to seek professional help in the form of a counsellor or life coach, it’s important to find help. The right help for you is what works. It doesn’t matter what anyone else uses; it only matters what is working for you to build your belief in yourself while you’re letting go of self-doubt.

Make Small Goals

Set some small goals so that you can experience success. Your small goals might consist only of the things on this list. But you may have identified some things by reading this that stick out to you as small goals that you can immediately see results from that you want to add.

Implement

You can learn all that you want to learn about ridding yourself of self-doubt and building your belief in yourself, but if you don’t act and do something (in other words, implement), you won’t see the success you desire. Even if it’s the smallest thing, like reading this or taking a course, or finding a group, that’s doing something. Small things can lead to big results.

Hopefully, you’ve learned a lot of information that is going to help you build your self-image, help you get rid of self-doubt, and move toward believing in yourself again quickly. Remember that nothing is gained without putting one foot in front of the other. But also remember that you are capable, you can do it, and you deserve to do it too. You are worth it.