I’m sure you’ve had loads of dating tips about winning the man or woman of your dreams.  You may even be an expert at spotting the signs of genuine interest from a mile away. But what happens when the spark starts to fade?

Have you ever spent time with a couple where it was obvious that one half of the couple was just itching to get away and the other half was completely oblivious to the fact? What if, scary thought, you are the oblivious one? How do you identify the difference between a true lover and a fake lover? Are you mistaking what you think are signs of genuine interest for what is actually a rapid cooling off or even behaviour to cover up an infidelity?

There’s surely nothing more damaging to your self-esteem than finding out the partner you thought was your dream date can’t wait to get away.

So, to ensure you can keep your head held high and your heart intact, check out the list below the next time you are on a date or spending time with your lover.

Whilst the signs of genuine interest are often easy to recognise, spotting when things are cooling rapidly can be trickier because, so often, we don’t want to admit what is happening right before our eyes.

Signs they’re not interested

Here’s how to spot the signs of a love that’s definitely past its sell-by date.

1.  They are frequently late for dates.

2.  You have to chase for a follow-up date.

3.  They never phone when they say they will.

4.  They always text and never phone.

5.  They are always on their phone – even on dates.

6.  They are always ‘working late‘ or have to go for a drink after work far too often.

7.  They never talk about you as a couple.  It’s always ‘I’ and never ‘we‘.

8.  Months on and you still haven’t met their relatives or close friends.

9.  They are not making future plans with you.

10.  They don’t like holding your hand in public.  Public displays of affection are definitely out.

11.  They never take you anywhere new.

12.  They forget your birthday.

13.  Valentine’s day is a “load of commercial rubbish” they refuse to acknowledge.

14.  They never want to dance with you.

15.  When they do dance with you they’re eyeing up the rest of the room.

16.  Women you’ve never met or even heard of greet them in a way that just a tad too familiar when you’re out together.

17   They try to check your behaviour. A bit too lairy when you’ve had a drink?  They’ll be telling you to shush.

18.  They don’t want to linger over coffee.

19.  They always have to leave early because they have an urgent appointment next morning.

20.  They would rather watch TV than go out

21.  They flirt openly on the basis that ‘they’re just being friendly and are like that with everyone’.

22.  They don’t hold doors open for you or help you with your coat.

23.  If you’re ill they say “oh dear,  I’ll catch up with you when you’re better then“.

24.  They never offer to pay.  Or expect you to pay for everything.

25.  They criticise your appearance or weight.

26.  Their clothes are always immaculately ironed but you’ve never seen an ironing board.

27.  There’s a strange white patch of skin on an otherwise tanned wedding ring finger!

28.  They smell of a different perfume.

29.  They always pay by cash (card payments can be traced).

30.  They always take you to out of the way restaurants and pubs where you don’t know a soul.

31.  When you stand close together, their feet are pointing away from you, ditto legs when they sit cross-legged.

32.  If you feel instinctively in your gut they’re not really interested,  you’re probably right.

Are there any others you’d add to this list? Remember.  You deserve someone who loves and values you just as you are.  Don’t put up with anything less.

If you do spot any of these behaviours, it’s time to have ‘the talk’.  Stay calm, address your worries and be specific.  Giving examples is much more useful than vaguely saying “you just don’t pay me enough attention”.

We teach others how to treat us and if you think there may yet be some mileage in your relationship, it’s time to take action and to set some expectations and boundaries to keep things on track.

You’ll find more dating advice in my problem pages.

You know, I always find it strange when my girlfriends say they don’t know if a man is really interested in them.  And most blokes seem to remain resolutely oblivious to the most obvious of flirtation signals. If you’re looking for signs he’s really into you or if she would like to take things further, read on.

Prior to my becoming a “respectable married woman”, I had quite a lengthy flirtation with internet dating. Now I know a lot of people are still quite sniffy about meeting a partner this way, seeing online dating as the refuge of the dateless and socially inept, but I found it immense fun and an excellent way of deciding what I wanted in a man.

A long-time single girlfriend of mine (and I mean years) would love to meet a special someone but won’t try online dating on the grounds that she’d have to have a profile picture.

It’s funny how we’ll happily supply the most ghastly of photos for passports and driving licences but when it’s a question of our attractiveness being judged, nothing less than a photo-shoot with David Bailey will do. She also worries about work colleagues finding her out.

Frankly, unless you’re the boss of MI5, I’m not sure this is too much of a problem, always assuming of course that your profile is the right side of mainstream and there’s nothing to scare the horses.

Rather than view my dates as a nerve-wracking experiment, I pretended I was ‘auditioning’ the latest candidate, thus making him the one on trial rather than me.  Possibly a weird mental switch, but try it, it works.

Anyone who works in HR or who interviews as part of their job knows that the first judgement of a candidate is normally made in the first few seconds of meeting and that most of our communication is non-verbal.

Yes, what you say is less important than how you say it and the various signals you give out. I could read body language tomes all day from self-styled ‘sexpert’ Tracey Cox to the grandfather of body language study himself, Desmond Morris.

So, when you are at a party or a date, take a moment to observe your potential partner in action. This is no bad thing because the late Helen Gurley Brown (Editor in Chief of Cosmopolitan Magazine) once said: “if you’re doing all the talking, you’re boring somebody”.  Silence is power.

Signs he’s really into you (or she!)

Here’s what to look for.

Good signs

Prolonged eye contact – particularly if they look into your eyes and then at your mouth.

Proximity – are they sitting close to you or, if not, are they turned towards you? If you are standing in a circle with others, have a quick glance at the floor to see if their feet are pointing towards you.

Preening – I’m sure we all know the classic preening gestures such as toying/flicking hair or licking lips.  Some men will hook their fingers in their belt loops, unconsciously ‘pointing’ to their groin. Some women will stroke their throat, drawing attention to their breasts.

Mirroring – if you both have a drink, look to see if you both lift your glasses to sip at the same time or if you change your posture, do they change theirs too?

Territory – if you are sitting across a table from each other, try putting your glass or a piece of cutlery down on their ‘side’ of the table.  If they are comfortable, they’ll probably let it stay there.  If not, it’s likely to be pushed straight back (whether consciously or, more tellingly, unconsciously).

Conversation – do you both finish each other’s sentences?  Are your questions being answered without just a curt yes or no?

Including you in future plans – do they say things like “oh, we must do that at Christmas, or I must take you to see this movie”? Then they see you in their future.

Introducing you to friends they run into – if you bump into their friends when you’re out, watch to see how they react.  If they’re keen, they’ll be sure to introduce you and use your name.  If they leave you hanging back while they catch up on gossip, that’s not a good sign.

Revealing gestures – the inside of the wrist is considered to be an erogenous zone – watch to see if there are lots of palms up / wrist revealed gestures.  Revealing the wrist whilst smoking is a classic flirtation gesture and you could probably write a book about Hollywood’s use of smoking as flirtation.

Now such a thing would be not quite Disney and I suspect that trying the same femme fatale routine with an e-cig probably won’t have the same effect.  It’s probably far sexier these days not to smoke unless you’re happy to keep leaving the table to stand outside with other lonely souls and light up in the rain whilst your date eyes up other prospective partners in the restaurant.

Ending the date by planning another  – if they’re keen they’ll indicate when they’ll next be in touch and they’ll be specific about it.  They’ll want to get a date in your diary as soon as possible.  If, on the other hand, they say “it’s been great, I’ll catch you sometime next week”, I wouldn’t waste too much time waiting for their text or call.

The Kiss – I don’t really have to explain this one but bear in mind that should the evening end on a hot and heavy note, there’s still no guarantee you’ll get another date.  There are some who are capable of monumental double standards when it comes to sex on a first date.

Bad Signs

Lack of eye contact – that thing where you’re dancing and you just know he’s checking out other women over your shoulder.

Constantly checking a mobile – be honest.  If they are checking their email or updating their Facebook status, chances are they aren’t that keen!

Pomposity – they sit with both hands behind their head maximizing their physical size and space. This is the gesture of arrogance and superiority.  Him Tarzan, you probably one of many Janes. Either way, you’re not considered an equal.

Closed answers – yes / no answers that leave the conversation in the air and stunted silences.

Not asking about you – this is a pretty obvious clue!

Talking about the Ex – no, no and once again, no!

Not attempting to prolong the date – if you finish the last mouthful of your dessert and they ask for the bill rather than coffee, not good.  Some women think men should pay on the first date.  I’m more pragmatic.  I think it’s OK to split the bill, particularly if you earn more than he does.  But if he starts to quibble and wants to split the bill to the penny, I’d probably run.

Let’s be honest.  If your date is not making every effort to know when they will see you again, then in the words of that famous dating bible inspired by “Sex & The City”, he’s just not that into you.

You may remember the book “The Rules” which was popular about ten years ago which contained rather militant advice such as “if he phones after Wednesday asking for a date on Saturday tell him no”. You were supposed to be a creature of mystery, alluring and just that little bit hard to get. When you get to a certain age, all that game playing is very wearing, decidedly not sexy and, generally, a complete waste of time.

Many women say they just ‘know’ when they’ve met the ‘one’ so if the one you’re with is Mr or Miss Right Now rather than Mr or Miss Right, keep auditioning!

You can find plenty of dating advice on my occasional problem page.

Have you ever wondered why you don’t get a second date?  Have you had dates where you were sure there was a connection?  The conversation was right.  The restaurant, the food, the music, the moonlight – it was all there and then – complete radio silence.

Sometimes we don’t realise that some of our habits can be really off-putting and we need a good friend to point out the error of our ways so that we can finally attract the man or woman of our dreams. After all, every diamond needs to be polished to sparkle at its brightest.

I asked my blogging friends what their ultimate dating ‘faux pas’ are and what behaviours meant you’d be unlikely to get a second date.  Forewarned is forearmed, as they say.

How not to get a second date

Bad Table Manners

Zoe of Lycra Widow says “Chewing with their mouth open, clinking their fork on their teeth. Slurping their drink. Any of the above” and Pete at Household Moneysaving can’t stand burping.  “Absolutely hate it when people do it in front of strangers”, he says.

Noisy eaters won’t fare well nor will the extremely picky who won’t eat anything off the menu. These are the sort of people who will order a burger and then religiously pick off every last scrap of lettuce, tomato and gherkin.

Alex at Better Together Home’s bugbear is “Being rude to the staff or not tipping, I could never date someone like that!”  Since many staff are paid the minimum wage these days and are taxed on their tips, surely we all leave something if the service is good, don’t we?

Personality Problems

Candace at Buckets Of Tea says a failure to make her laugh would mean no second date. Taking things too seriously would be a definite no-no, whilst for Charlie at Our Altered Life it’s “not making conversation and leaving me to do all the talking. Even though I’m a chatterbox it’s exhausting to fill those awkward silences.”

Emma at The Mini Mes And Me is turned off by people who are overly forward or who “use too many sexual innuendos and make you feel uncomfortable… back off!” And Kate at Ever After With Kids can’t stand people with a massive ego.  “If they think they are God’s gift it comes across immediately. And constantly. Total no no.”

Then there are those who insist on comparing you to their ex, or who have to drop their ex into the conversation.  “Oh you like tennis – my ex loved tennis”.  You wonder why they have bothered going on a date.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Bad habits

Carly at Forever Cosmopolitan echoes many people when she says “smoking! Can’t stand it!”  Time to stop smoking because it may be seriously affecting your romantic chances.

And talking of bad habits, Lauretta at Home and Horizon hates “looking over your shoulder while you’re talking with them – or worse still, checking out other girls while on a date. Do they think we don’t see these things???!!!”

Other examples included “asking to touch my boobs”, “turning up with cocaine in his pocket”, “farting in front of me”, having bad breath and spending all their time staring at their mobile phone.

Perhaps the biggest faux pas listed was, unsurprisingly, being married and trying to hide it. My girlfriends and I used to joke that you could spot a married man a mile off because their shirts were always impeccably ironed (yes, I know there are men who do their own ironing but still..) and they were never around on a Saturday always a Friday night after work.   In summer you could usually spot the tell-tale tan line of a hastily removed wedding ring!

Dating horror stories

Some the dating stories shared would make your hair stand on end so I’ll leave you with three particularly memorable ones.

“When I was at uni I turned up for a first date, the chap had a dog with him, not a problem, I like dogs. He then said that we just had to take the dog somewhere first before we went for a drink. OK, still not a problem.

We took the dog, it was a big Alsatian, to a tiny terraced house where there was another big Alsatian. I sat on a red leatherette sofa in a tiny sitting room while the two dogs had sex.

They kept on bumping into my legs while they were doing it and my date and the other man shouted encouragement.

He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go for a second date.” Sara, Jodhpurs For Maisie

“The hot rugby guy who had asked me on a date took me to TGI Fridays with his parents, and I endured some of the most excruciating few hours of my life. Needless to say, there was no second date!!  Laura, www.fivelittledoves.com

“I worked with a woman who set me up on a date with her son. I’d met him, he was attractive, and we had chemistry, so I thought I was safe. Turns out he was super religious (when I am not). Would only date and marry a Christian girl, wanted to get a giant Jesus tattoo on his back (a cross with a giant eagle overlaid), and after asking if I wanted wine and ordering a bottle, made me pay for it because he didn’t drink! I’m not sure why he even wanted to go on the date. He spoke mostly about religion and the trashy girls his roommate brought home. Needless to say, I drank the whole bottle!” Lisa, Bare Mother

Lots of this stuff is common sense but it’s easy when we’re nervous to become so wrapped up in ourselves that we behave in ways we normally wouldn’t.  The best thing to do on a first date is simply this “focus on the other person”.

Crack that one and you’ll get a second date.  I guarantee it.

More dating advice

Find lots more clues the date may not be going your way in this post – 32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You.

Having a crush or liking someone can be very exciting, but it can also make you feel anxious. This is because so many people, despite going on dates with their love interests, can still be unsure of the feelings of the other person.

Many of us would still go home after spending time with each other, and ask does he like me or does she really like me?

If this is you, read through the list below for some signs that may indicate that your love interest likes you back.

How to tell if they are really into you

1. They like spending time with you – one of the best ways to foster a relationship is to spend time with each other, and there are even theories that say that investing time in a relationship can indicate just how successful it will be in the long run. If you are interested in someone, it’s only natural that you want to spend time with them, and vice versa. Being together does not mean that you have to spend a lot of money. If you find that your love interest is just as happy just being with you at home, lounging around without having to dress up or spend a lot of money eating out, then you know that they are interested in you.

2. They pay attention to you, even when you are with a group – when you are on a date, your partner’s full attention is on you, so you may not be sure if they are really interested in you. Try to see what they are like when you are in a group setting, say a party for example. While there’s nothing wrong with mingling with other people, you might notice that they seem to hone in on whatever location you are in. It just goes to show that they are truly interested in you because they would always want to know where you are. They also listen closely to you even when you are surrounded by many people.

3. They make it a point to listen and know more about you – if someone truly likes you, they will want to know a lot of things about you. They are interested to hear about how your day went, or know about your embarrassing stories from high school.

4. They empathize with you – ever had a bad day at work or school and you just want someone you can air out your frustrations to? If your love interest truly likes you, they will listen, even if they are tired themselves, and they will make time to encourage you and be there for you.

5. They remember the little details and information about you – when you are interested in someone, you file away every little thing you hear, every tidbit of information. You’ll be surprised to find that you will receive your favourite coffee from them because you made a comment about it in the past. Even the smallest details matter to those who truly value you.

How to tell if he’s into you is a matter of doing your detective work and picking up on those vital clues.