She Follows Her Ex On Social Media – Problem Page

In this week’s problem page, when your girlfriend still follows her ex on social media, dealing with bullies and how to get someone out of your house when they just won’t leave.

Here are this week’s questions.

Last week, my girlfriend broke up with me saying that I’m the nicest guy she ever met but she doesn’t deserve me, but her roommates and friends still know we are in a relationship. What should I do in this situation?

I’m sorry to hear that you have been, effectively, friend-zoned and I can imagine that it really hurts.

As for her roommates, it is up to her to tell them. What you shouldn’t allow her to do is to carry on pretending that you are in a relationship – and that means you need to separate yourself and not hang around them for a while.

In your shoes, I would go out and start enjoying myself. What about hanging out with your male buddies?

Don’t let this girl use you a ‘boyfriend fodder’ to make herself look good. Make it clear that you are now single – and if any of her roommates fancy a date – you’re free!

Should I be concerned my girlfriend still follows her ex on Social Media?

I don’t think I’d be very happy about it, to be honest. I suppose it’s one thing to follow someone but another altogether to keep engaging with them. Is she liking posts and responding? Are they messaging each other?

In your position, I’d be doing a bit of subtle investigation and if you find that she is firmly in contact with the ex, remind her that you are not particularly interested in sharing her and it is time to make up her mind.

He tells me to go away. He doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. It’s because he is going through a tough time. Being his friend, should I leave him like this?

It sounds as if he is suffering from depression and I don’t think you should leave him. It is very, very difficult, that I understand but I would seek advice and seek if you can get him to have some counselling.

You can tell him that you are worried and agree between you some form of staying in contact. For example, you could say “I know you want to be left alone but I’m going to check in with you at 8 pm (or whatever). You can tell me to go away but at least I’ll know you are OK”. Something like that.

Depression can be a killer and as a friend, you have the challenge of ensuring he is OK whilst not being swallowed up by the pressure of caring for him yourself.

It’s not easy but he is very very lucky to have someone like you concerned about him.

What do you have to do when you’re being bullied, except ignore them?

You take the situation to a higher authority.

You don’t say who these lowlifes are but if you are in school then you talk to your family, teacher or pastoral care.

If you work with them (and rest assured adult bullying occurs) then you must talk to your manager or HR department.

Ignoring them is a sensible first step but you need to take action. If you are being bullied for reasons of sexuality, disability, race or gender, don’t forget there are laws in place to protect you.

Talk to someone who will support you and come up with a plan together. And don’t be afraid to seek legal advice, nor talk to the police if you fear actual physical harm.

Lastly, write/record EVERYTHING – take screenshots of tweets and facebook messages in case they are deleted. Save voicemails. Keep a diary and record dates, times and exactly what happened.

This is the kind of information a lawyer will need.

Don’t take this lying down -easier said than done I know – but if you start opening up about what is happening to you I’m sure a lot of people will be very angry on your behalf.

Should I post pictures on social media for my recent ex to see during the no contact phase?

If they’re an ex, they’re an ex. What is the point of a no-contact phase if you have split up? It’s usually suggested by the one who’s leaving to make the one who’s being left feeling better. Don’t be fobbed off by that.

Post away on whatever social media you like. It is no longer any of your ex’s business. If, though, you are posting to make them jealous and to win them back, I wouldn’t bother. If you need to go to that much effort then the relationship is over.

If they want you back they’ll be on the phone or texting, not playing silly games with a ‘no contact phase’.

How do you break up with someone who is living in your house but won’t leave?

You need legal advice to sort this out. If you are afraid for your personal safety you should talk to the police and seek support from friends and family. It would be better for you to move out if you are in physical danger.

In terms of getting this person out, a lawyer will need to decide if they have any claim on the property. Who owns it? Have they been paying rent? They may have tenants rights.

I’m not sure this is something you can handle on your own.

She tells me that she’s poly because she has trust issues and is just not at a point in her life where she’s ready to commit. I’m ready to commit but I don’t like the poly aspect. Is there any way I can help her?

I don’t think it’s for you to ‘help’ her, to be honest. She has made her decision, although the poly thing sounds like a bit of an excuse. She doesn’t want an exclusive relationship with you at the moment.

I wouldn’t waste time. If you are looking for exclusivity, this one isn’t your girl.

How would you have answered these questions?  I’d love to know.  You can find more advice on my problem page.

In the meantime, you can find more dating tips in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Relationship Dilemmas – Including When The Ex Wants You Back

I spend a lot of time responding to the questions I am asked about the most common relationship dilemmas about dating and relationships and I thought I’d share some of my answers with you in case you are going through anything similar.

Obviously, I am not an expert but I am a 50-something married mum of two with quite a few years’ experience under my belt. I take the view that, sometimes, you need to hear it like you would from your own mother – however tough the truth may be.

Here are some of the questions about common relationship dilemmas I’ve been asked.

My partner and I broke up because he realized he doesn’t feel ready to fully commit to a relationship at the moment. What should I do, beyond waiting?

He said he’d hit me up when he’d feel ready to fully commit because currently, he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. We love each other a fair lot, and I’m willing to wait for him to make up his mind and get back together, as unbearable as the wait is.

Answer: I’m afraid this guy is looking for a way out of the relationship and hasn’t got the guts to tell you. If he loved you that much he would have no hesitation making a commitment.

Your best bet is to try to move on and develop your own social life – you will probably meet someone new who loves and values you and is ready for a commitment.

Pressurising a guy into making a commitment rarely works though and most will run away scared if they are not that into you.

Work on developing your own self-confidence and self-esteem. Men can wait.

My ex-girlfriend who dumped me wants us to give our relationship another try. I don’t know if I’m ready. What should I do?

Answer: Say no. It’s obvious you’re not really interested and if you go back there is no guarantee she won’t dump you again.

Sometimes in relationships, people do things which are unforgivable. It doesn’t make you a weak person for saying ‘no more’ and standing up for yourself.

You could ask for a bit of space I suppose but the fact that you ‘don’t know if you’re ready’ tells me you should concentrate on finding someone new.

If your ex dumped you because YOU were unfaithful or an idiot, on the other hand, then a bit of time out reflecting on how you could be a better boyfriend is called for, to avoid getting dumped again.

My girlfriend and I got into a fight and now her parents won’t let me talk to her. Are they wrong to block me?

Answer: As her parents, they have every right to do what they consider best for their daughter’s happiness. If she is not making every effort to talk to you then she agrees with them.

It sounds like this was not a minor argument. If you need to say sorry and apologise then I would do so quickly – and start by apologising to her parents.

That’s the mature thing to do and will win you points from both them and your girlfriend.

I have been hanging out with this girl for about 6 weeks.  She’s had bad relationships before and we both like each other but she freaks out if I tell her I love her.

Her last relationship was about 3 years ago. I love her and am nice and respectful but she has asked me to wait for her because there are lots of things she needs to think about. How long should I wait for her?  What should I do?

Answer: I’m not surprised. It’s only been 6 weeks and you hardly know each other. Calm down or you will frighten her off! If she has a troubled past you need to take things VERY slowly and build up her trust. Get to know each other. Do lots of talking, particularly if her last relationship was 3 years ago – that’s a long time.

In terms of ‘ waiting for you’, I take it she means she is not ready for a sexual relationship – and again, after 6 weeks this is not surprising.

Why are you in such a hurry? If you keep pressurizing her, she’ll be gone. You can’t keep someone by telling them you love them, you know.

At heart, most of us know these things take time if they are real and if they have a chance of lasting.

Is there anything you can do to ‘unattract‘ someone already attracted to you?

Answer: Other than being completely horrible or cruel, I’d say no. Why would you want to turn off or hurt someone who has genuine feelings for you? Your responsibility is to find a way to communicate that YOU are not attracted to them or feel the same way. If this is an existing relationship then you need to consider whether you should end it if you don’t feel the same attraction. If this is attention from someone who is causing trouble or you are finding a nuisance, then the adult thing to do is be honest and just make it clear that, while you are flattered, you don’t feel the same way. Giving false hope is cruel. As is encouraging their attention whilst being dishonest about how you really feel.

How can I tell my girlfriend to stop talking to another guy who likes her?

Answer: This is one of those common relationship dilemmas that is tricky to deal with.  In all honesty, you can’t. And the more you go on about it, the more attractive he will seem to her, not least because she will start to view your behaviour as controlling and possessive. If you can’t trust her, it may be worth changing our girlfriend. If all she is doing is having a friendly conversation with him, on the other hand, some exploration of why you are so insecure is needed. Be warned. Jealousy is deeply unattractive.

What do you think of a young Christian man who does not want children ever?

Answer: It is entirely your choice. The most important thing is that you are honest about your decision with your future partner(s). It would be unkind to develop a loving relationship with a woman who wants children without her being aware of your feelings on the subject. I also think it would be worth exploring your reasons why you don’t want children as it is a little unusual to make that decision quite so young.

I will move soon and it is unlikely that I will see the narcissistic ex-boyfriend who dumped me again. Should I meet him one last time?

Answer: Not unless you want to give him yet another ego boost. It sounds like you are really not over him and are looking for a way back into the relationship. Running away to the other side of the country won’t help you know. You need to talk to someone like a counsellor or trusted family friend about what happened (NOT him) to understand that this happens to loads of other women and that he WILL do it all again to the next woman. Some people are just intrinsically flawed and there may actually be NO answer, other than he got bored and perhaps felt he could be more adored by someone else. Please don’t keep chasing a man who is beneath your dignity.

Is it natural, in your opinion, for the woman to be the one to make the first unplanned sexual advance?

Answer: These days, yes. Also if the relationship has been going on for a while and the guy has been reluctant to make a move, then understandably the woman wants to test the waters to find out what’s going on. I’m a little concerned about what you term as ‘unplanned’ – sex doesn’t have a timetable. If you are feeling uneasy then you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I can’t tell whether you are the woman or man in this question, but I sense that someone, somewhere is feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Sex should be a natural, unforced part of a relationship – not something to be ticked off a checklist.

Why do all the shitty guys get the girlfriends and the nice guys don’t?

Answer: Probably because they are more confident and employ the “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen’ approach which most intelligent women will only put up with for so long. The shitty guys may have the girlfriends but do they keep them? Do they get to marry the girl of their dreams? I’m guessing not. You need to develop a bit more confidence in yourself because I’ll bet you have a lot more to offer than men who shore up their frail egos by behaving like complete idiots to women. I do think that the shitty guys might be prepared to take a few more risks and care a little less about rejection – that’s because they think they are so marvellous. And that’s what you need to start thinking about yourself – without acting like an idiot of course.

How would you have coped with these common relationship dilemmas? You can find more advice on my problem page.

Want more relationship dilemmas?  They’re here.

All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other healthcare providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

Reasons Why Dating Your Spouse Could Save Your Marriage

Even though we’ve been together for 15 years and married for 8, we still make sure that we have ‘date nights’.  Cheesy?  Possibly.  Sanity-saving?  Definitely.  Expensive?  Depending on your childcare arrangements – but I still maintain it’s worth it.  Dating your spouse can be a marriage-enhancing activity that can bring you closer.

dating your spouse - man and woman on a date outside a cafe in France

It isn’t always easy to find the time (and sometimes the energy) to dress up, put your lippy on and make a reservation at a great restaurant (and lord knows in Cardiff we’re spoiled for choice) but here’s why I think dating your partner is very important and why date nights should regularly appear in your diary.

Reasons why dating your spouse is important

It maintains your connection and helps you to reconnect

Relationships are always in a state of flux and can be very complex. Make sure you understand and take an interest in what is going on in your significant other’s life by spending quality time with them.

Protect the intimacy you both shared in the early days by nurturing it with special time doing the things you both love – and those things that drew you together in the first place. Mat and I spent days exploring National Trust properties and finding cosy country pubs to dine at.

Going out just the two of you allows you both a brief break from your busy lives and gives you the chance to focus on each other and rekindle your romance.

Once that connection between you is lost there is a danger that your relationship will wither and you’ll be ‘just friends’ or worse, ‘ships that pass in the night’ – all too easy when you both have busy jobs.

It’s an investment in your future

As with anything in life, the more effort you put in, the more you are likely to get back – and it’s no different with relationships.  There are many sad stories of couples who, when the kids leave home, have nothing in common anymore and very little to say to one another.

That’s why prioritising adult time is as important as family time.  Everybody benefits.

It’s a chance to put any distractions aside

Every day, you and your partner may be pulled in many different directions – kids, chores, friends, work,  elderly parents – the list can be endless. Making time for a date night ensures your connection is kept at the top of the to-do pile and will give you a mini holiday from all that ‘noise’.

It’s a great opportunity to revisit happy memories

Why not take the opportunity to reminisce together about the things you did before you married? If things have been a bit rocky of late, it may help you remember why you fell for your partner and why you made that public commitment to spend the rest of your lives together.

It reassures family members

When you continue to date your spouse, it sends out a strong message to everybody around you. It shows them exactly how important your relationship is to you and also how much you value your partnership with your other half. This is a great way to show your kids how special a strong relationship can be.

If your kids are anything like mine, they’ll be slightly scandalised but happy to see you go out holding hands.  It’s good to model affectionate behaviour for them.

It can take time to find the right babysitter and yes, it can be an extra expense so you could compromise by finding some lower-priced venues to visit.

It reinforces the bond between you and keeps the spark alive

The more time you spend with each other, the stronger your bond is likely to become. Remember the days when you only had eyes for one another?

If currently, you are so overwhelmed by your daily commitments that, come nighttime, you just want to get into bed and sleep, it may well be time to find ways to bring the passion back to your relationship.

It helps to you destress

If you spend your days grouching and grumping at one another because you’re both tired and at the end of your tether, a date night can be a valuable opportunity to get some well-earned downtime.

Stress can be a big threat to a happy marriage or relationship, whether from parenting, finance or romantic issues.  It can change not only our behaviour but that of those around us as they struggle to deal with the more negative behaviours stress can cause.

Tension at home could affect not only the parents but the children too and studies into the health of children living in hostile households have shown them to have greatly raised levels of anxiety hormones.

It shows you are willing to make things work

When you date your spouse or partner you are openly demonstrating your commitment and devotion to them. It’s you and them against the world. Separation is certainly not on the agenda.

A date night is an opportunity for couples to discuss their hopes and dreams and what they want their future to look like.

It’s good to get your partner’s perspective on things and, if you are prepared to really listen to each other, you’ll find you can learn a lot.

Sometimes you might want to address things that have been bugging you, or a behaviour that you wish would change and it’s far easy to discuss these things in a relaxed setting where you can really hear your partner’s responses.

A caring partner can provide support that carries you through all sorts of personal challenges, even minor ones that are just enough to ruin your day.  They can give you the confidence to make vital changes and remind you that yes, you are an attractive, worthwhile person.

We don’t stop being a woman just because we’re a mother, do we?

The Back To School Guide For The Introvert Mum

Many of us will be facing the prospect of our little darlings going back to school with a mix of relief and sadness.

We have loved our time with them (mostly), but now that our house looks like it has been the scene of a 6 week long rave and there is nothing left to eat in the cupboards, apart, of course, from the chickpeas you bought circa 2014, it is time to give them back to the ministrations of the local authority (the kids not the chickpeas).

Sighs of relief all round.  There are even some marriages which are still intact.

But for some of us, it’s not taking junior back to school that’s the worry, it’s having to run the gauntlet of the school run mums.

I’ve written before about how isolating it can be if you are shy and don’t mix well with people. Bizarrely this can happen to those who have had jobs in professions which you might think are really sociable.  And social shyness can strike at any time and at any age.  A slight loss of confidence and then blam!  You have all the social skills of Donald Trump. Sadly, some of us have the hair to go with it.

Why we get ourselves in such a state about two brief stints outside a school gate I’m not sure.  It may be because it brings back memories of when we were in school.   There is no doubt, however, that adult bullying goes on and, no matter, how many times you tell yourself that it is these sad individuals who have the problem, it does not take away the sting.

Sometimes though, we are our own worst enemy.  The Law of Attraction (I know, I know, weirdy, beardy shite, as the Husband calls it), says that what you give out, you get back and I’d say that is certainly true of social interaction. Someone has to make the first move and the sad thing is, very often nobody does.

Every played “hello” chess?  It goes like this.

Day 1

You see a mum.  You say hello.  She says hello back.

Day 2

You see the same mum.  You say hello.  She nods.

Day 3

You see the same mum.  You nod, she ignores you.

Day 4

You both ignore each other.

This tends to progress to being totally blanked when they drive by or ignored if they spot you in a supermarket.

We tend to assume, don’t we, that if we are not acknowledged, it is all about us but we should remember that others have their own problems and, if you’re anything like me, it’s quite easy to become completely absorbed in a world of your own.

We also assume that others have Grade A social skills and have no trouble making friends themselves but that is quite likely to be untrue in many cases.

All you can do, I think, is decide on your own standard of behaviour and stick to that.  That way you can be sure that it’s not you.

If you are being picked on or ostracized for whatever reason your choices are stark but simple.

Either confront the bullies or ignore them.  A confronted bully, as we know from childhood experience, will often back down and then pick on someone else.  They crave power and attention and if they don’t get it, they get bored.

Sometimes you just need to accept that, rather than being a rich pool of potential friendships, the school run cliques are often anything but and actually, when you think about it, in many cases the only thing you have in common is a child at the same school.

In any other walk of life this would not be enough to create a long-lasting supportive friendship so isn’t it a bit irrational to pin such high hopes on other parents?

If you are dreading tomorrow, remember that you are a nice person. Be pleasant. Say hello. Show an interest in what your fellow parents have done over the holiday.

But if you are blanked or ignored, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Better to concentrate your efforts on finding friends with whom you have something in common. Join groups, take up a hobby, take an evening class if you can get the childcare.

If you still don’t want to give up, then you have to be prepared to take a risk.  Ask one of the other mums for a coffee. There’s bound to be someone just like you standing alone staring into space.

They probably feel just as lost as you do.

And there’s a very good reason why socialising with other parents is important. Isn’t it gutting when you realise that all the children of the parents in the popular cliques get to play together and yours are never invited?

You owe it to your kids to brush up on your own social skills so that they can learn to make friends, to be the ones brave enough to take the first step and never to be the ones who make others feel unwelcome, or alone.

Ironic isn’t it, because it’s really the unpleasant and unfriendly who need to go back to school.

Pin for later:

Mum walking her son and daughter to school

Problem Page Edition 27 – 2018

In problem page edition 27, there’s more free relationship advice from me – your online relationship coach!  This week, when you fall in love with your cousin, when he eyes you up in front of his girlfriend and when you have to obey their rules – or it’s over.

free relationship advice - man and woman holding hands walking into the sea at Venice Beach

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

If you would like any free relationship advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 27.

Q: If someone is aggressively invading my personal space and making threats to harm me and I headbutt him to get him to back off, have I legally done something wrong?

A: Headbutting is pretty horrible and, no, I don’t think that was a very sensible approach. Unfortunately, if you took the first physical action, provocation aside, it may well be viewed, legally, as an assault.

Was there no better way of handling the situation? Moving away? Telling them that they are invading your space and that you will be forced to protect yourself if they do not leave you alone?

You are an adult, after all, and the most sensible thing to have done, assuming this was a one-off, is to remove yourself from the situation.

If alcohol was involved in this scenario, you might want to consider the effect of drink on your temper as it is likely to lead you astray in the future.

If this is an ongoing situation with this individual, a bit of legal advice and a word with the police would be more sensible than landing yourself in the dock.

Q: Do you still date your spouse or significant other after being together more than 10 years?

A: I do and I think it’s important to maintain your romantic relationship, especially if you have kids. Read why I think it’s so important in this post.

Sometimes we need to remember who we are as adults, rather than spend all the time in our roles as parents.

It’s so easy to fall into good cop / bad cop roles or to get into the habit of constantly talking about kids or work. When was the last time you asked your partner how they were feeling or what their plans are for the future? What are the places that are still on their travel bucket-list? What life experiences will they feel they have missed out on if they don’t do them before they die?

When you have these conversations it’s often surprising what you discover – and it’s a good reminder that people change and grow over time – even our partners – and we need to make sure that we are keeping up.

Q: Am I crazy if I break down after hearing my boyfriend’s voice on the phone?

A: It’s not the most normal reaction is it, unless you have been apart for a long time. Some people are highly sensitive types, I appreciate, but to cry (your description is to actually break down) after a phone conversation is a little extreme.

Have you sat down and tried to work out why this is? Are there other situations that push your buttons to this extent?

Could you be suffering from depression? Are you anxious about the future of your relationship?

There is more to this but only you will know what it is that is triggering you so badly.

I would gently suggest you need to do something about it. If you are this emotional over the phone, what are you like actually in the presence of your boyfriend?

Needy and emotional isn’t always that attractive, you know, so you need to work out what is going on.

Q: Is it stupid to stay in a relationship where the person gives you a set of rules (like avoiding alcohol/ partying etc.) to follow or else they will leave you because it is against their morals and they are not willing to compromise?

A: Yes it is. This is emotional blackmail and it’s pretty unpleasant. If it were a parent making these ‘rules’ I can understand that they may only want the best for you but this has all the appearance of an attempt to control you.

It does, however, depend on the rules. No booze or partying is pretty dictatorial but if you expect to go out partying without them, or you think it is OK to flirt on and offline or even to date other people, then it is understandable that they may try to impose some sort of boundary.

I think what worries me about this, though, is that you are already asking whether this behaviour is OK – a clear sign you’re being controlled because you should know that it is NOT OK.

Controlling people are experts at making you think it’s all your fault and shaking your confidence.

They like to gradually remove you from friends and family so that your whole world revolves around them.

I would tell him that he knew what you were like when you got together and, whilst you respect his ‘morals’, you are not prepared to be treated like a child.

In your shoes, to be honest, I’d be off like a shot.

Q: I’m 18-years-old going to college and I’ve never had a girlfriend before in my life. Whenever I do try to ask a down-to-earth girl out she always either has a boyfriend or just isn’t interested. What should I do?

A: Get to know girls as friends. It’s old advice but find something – a hobby, an interest, that you really enjoy and make friends with the girls you find there. There’ll be loads of groups, clubs and societies to sign up for a freshers’ week, won’t there?

Develop your confidence. Do you work out? You don’t need to be a bodybuilder but take a healthy interest in your body and your fitness – whether that’s at the pool or the gym – or just go out for a run.

I think maybe you need to spend more time in the company of girls so that you understand the signals a woman gives off when she is interested. You might need to also hone your flirting skills. I’ve written about these on my blog here.

Lastly, at 18 I think you need to take a deep breath and say to yourself “there is no hurry”. Desperation will turn people off. Have confidence that you are a kind, decent man and women WILL find you attractive.

You do have to put yourself out there but concentrate on friendship before you launch in and ask an unsuspecting girl for a date.

Q: Why will a guy keep looking at me even though his current  girlfriend has spotted him looking? He used to eye me up before he got with his girlfriend.

A: This guy sounds a bit of a creep, to be honest. He already has a girlfriend and he also has a wandering eye.

If he is really interested in you, he needs to dump the current girlfriend and then ‘come near you’.

If he behaves like this with the current girlfriend, chances are he’ll do exactly the same to you.

Q: I’m a girl and I fell in love with my girl cousin. How can I forgive myself for that? How would I ever tell her?

A: We love who we love. There is absolutely no shame in that so, first off, forgive yourself. We are all worthy of love and you have done nothing wrong.

Where it gets complicated, however, is that this girl is your cousin and, if I understand correctly, that makes her too close a relative to have a relationship with.

On that basis, I would continue to express your friendship and affection for her but keep quiet about the true strength of your love because, hard though it is, it can’t really go anywhere and it may cause upset within your family network.

It’s also normal, by the way, to test out our romantic feelings when we’re young. Sexuality is fluid and doesn’t necessarily settle for many years.

Is there anyone you can talk to in confidence about this? Have you thought about telephoning a gay counselling service or something like that?

I hope you find some support. I’m sure there are lots of people on Quora who have had a similar experience who can offer some wise advice.

Q. How do I get my 22-year-old female teacher aide to have sex with me? I’m a 17-year-old boy.

A. I’m not sure whether you are in the UK, but I can tell you that if you were to have sex with this woman she risks ending up with her name on the sex offenders’ register.

At 17 you are a minor and pursuing this woman could lead her to lose her job – and possibly wreck her career for good.

Until you are 18 and have preferably left school, the best advice is to focus your attention on someone else.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 27 and if you’re looking for free relationship advice, get in touch!

You can find more dating tips in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Edition 26 – 2018

In problem page edition 26 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – when you’re in a long-distance relationship and they haven’t texted for 36 hours, when your boyfriend unexpectedly says something really horrible to you and when your ex blocks you and gets everyone else to do it too and friends who let you down.

friends who let you down - woman alone on a beach at sunset

Photo by resa cahya on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 26.

Q: What do I do? My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and she hasn’t texted me in a day and a half?

A: Why are you panicking after 36 hours? Don’t you think that’s a little extreme – unless you two are in daily contact? She could be ill, or busy or away on business.

Perhaps she is finding you a little needy – some people find that a turn off you know. Try to relax and play a little harder to get.

Have you actually phoned her? If there is something wrong, a phone call will show far more concern that relying on a text.

If you don’t hear from her in a week, I would assume, if she isn’t ill, that things have cooled.

Q: My friend has let me down and has hurt me so many times but doesn’t even realize it. She thinks she is a perfectly good and innocent person but she actually causes me so much stress. What should I do?

A: Why have you not told her? How do you know she thinks she is a perfectly ‘good and innocent person’?

It sounds to me that you don’t actually like her all that much and enjoy playing the martyr just a little bit.

That’s not a healthy relationship.

You either have to tell her what she does that you find unacceptable and set new ground rules for your friendship, or tell her it’s over and hang out with someone who doesn’t let you down.

Friends who let you down aren’t friends, are they?

Q: He confessed to cheating on me with his ex-steady-hookup. We hadn’t said we were exclusive (it was implicit) so I let it slide. She wants a relationship with him but he says he chooses me. Last Sunday he tells me they text every day. How would you feel?

A: This man is a self-confessed cheat who you have allowed back in your life – of course he’s going to continue to try to get away with seeing this other woman. What is a ‘steady hook-up’ anyway? Why do you want to be with a man who uses women in this way?

If he thinks he can get sex without the faff of a relationship, he will.

It sounds as if he is playing you both off against each other and enjoying having two women to choose from.

In your shoes, I’d kick his sorry backside into touch pronto because I doubt you can believe a word he says.

Q: My boyfriend said a horrible thing to me the other night. I was hurt and shocked and he eventually realised what he’d done and said he’d been an idiot. Should I just forget about it and forgive him?

A: I think a very loud warning bell has been sounded and sometimes people say things which show you who they really are without realising they’ve done so.

The fact that you were so shocked and that he didn’t even realise it isn’t good, is it?

I don’t think you can just brush it under the carpet. At the very least I hope you have sat down with him and talked honestly about it – why did he say it? Did he mean it? Did he know you would be hurt?

You deserve the answer to those questions at the very least.

I’d say go with your gut instinct on this one – and if you feel something is wrong, then it probably is – ESPECIALLY if you feel your personal safety is at risk.

Q: What have I been doing wrong? My ex-boyfriend and I broke up like 2 months and a half ago.

A: Without more information, it’s difficult to say but it could be any number of reasons. Surely you must have some idea? If not why don’t you ask him?

Sometimes people just don’t ‘gel’ and that’s all there is to it. Rather than waste time wondering what went wrong, look to the future and finding someone more compatible.

Q: Why is my ex-boyfriend suddenly posting so much on every social media? In our 3-year relationship, he barely ever posted anything on any social media.

A: Is he posting about you? If not, the fact that you are stalking his social accounts suggests you want him back.

It may be that this new lease of life means he has finally got over your break-up and is ready to date again.

That may hurt but if there is no chance of a reconciliation, make it easy on yourself and stop following his social media.

Q: My boyfriend is currently depressed because of his relationship OCD. Should I just leave to make it easier on him?

A: I’m not sure exactly what you mean by ‘relationship OCD’. OCD is a recognised mental illness that can be crippling and extremely upsetting to both the sufferer and their families.

Are you using the casual term for OCD whereby someone is thought to be excessive in their demands?

The distinction is important because if he is truly suffering, leaving him would feel like a kick in the teeth.

If, on the other hand, you are really saying he is too demanding for you and YOU are struggling to cope, then the answer may be to gently suggest counselling for him.

You may also benefit from talking to friends and family for a more objective view of your situation.

Leaving him in this state, however, sounds as if you just want to run away.

Don’t feel guilty. This is understandable but if you do decide to leave then do it with kindness and consideration.

Your boyfriend may need help.

Q. It has been a month since my ex blocked me. He got everybody to remove me and block me everywhere. Is it over? He said he wants nothing to do with me. It was all very sudden.

A. These are not the actions of someone who wants you back. These are the actions of someone who is very childish and rather spiteful.

I’m curious that it was all very sudden – were there no signs that there is someone else in the picture (which is the most likely explanation)? Did you do anything that could be considered cheating?

Either way it sounds like this relationship is dead in the water and, frankly, I think it is beneath your dignity to chase after this childish man.

If anything, I think you should block HIM and move swiftly on.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 26. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

Problem Page Edition 25 – 2018

In problem page edition 25 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – when she says she’s interested but then won’t talk to you, what does that ex want when he gets back in touch and when you’re 15 with a crush on an 18 year old about to join the military.

problem page edition 25 - man and woman in red swimwear looking at deep blue water

Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 25.

Q: Should I keep talking to a girl who told me she likes me but does not start conversations with me at all? I’m just hurt that she is not paying attention if she said she likes me. I’m confused.

A: She may be very shy and find initiating conversations difficult, in which case you need to give the girl a break and gently introduce topics of conversation.

If despite this, she still doesn’t talk to you, in your shoes I would assume that she doesn’t actually like you that much and move on.

You can’t keep hanging on forever in the hope that she’ll suddenly open up and talk to you.

I’d also add that, whilst you say she’s not ‘paying attention’ to you, are you sure you’re not expecting too much?

And are you sure there isn’t another guy somewhere in the picture?

Q: Why hasn’t he contacted me for five days now? WhatsApp messages only have one tick. We’ve been dating for 2 months now, but he’s always busy, & don’t spend time together. I’m 28, and he is 53. He has 3 kids (19,20, & 22), but treats them like babies.

A: Is there a wife in the picture? Or an ex-wife? I’m assuming that if he has 3 kids then their mother is around somewhere. How he treats them is irrelevant but I’m guessing you are implying that he pays them too much attention when he should be with you.

Since you’re not much older than his eldest child I imagine that he may not have told them about you in case they disapprove of the large age gap.

As someone of 54 myself, I can tell you that many of our age group can’t be bothered with things like Whatsapp and far prefer the phone for honest communication. Does he use Whatsapp to keep things secret?

5 days is hardly a long time to be out of contact but I have a suspicion that there’s something else going on here.

Q: The girl I been talking to for 4 months tells me she isn’t ready for a relationship with anybody and that she values me. Should I wait or move on?

A: Move on. The “I don’t want to date anybody” excuse is as old as the hills. To be fair, she may be quite happy to be single and to date whoever takes her fancy. That is her right.

But your time is precious too and if you are looking for a relationship it’s pretty clear you won’t find it with her.

Q: I’m 30. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 3 months. He broke up with me a month ago. He’s contacted me by text last week and this week. We just chatted about what’s new. He said he missed me the 1st time. He hasn’t mentioned getting back together. Is he done?

A: 3 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things and I wouldn’t consider it a long-term relationship. It was hardly long enough to get to know one another – unless you knew each other before.

It sounds as if, although he likes you as a person, there’s not much there to keep you together. Perhaps it’s simply a question of not having enough in common.

I’m interested that you mention your age as if it is in some way relevant. Could this man be more important because you feel as if the clock is ticking? If so, I wouldn’t worry – I met my husband at 41 and we married 5 years later after having 2 kids together.

If he’s interested he has more than enough opportunity to rekindle things and ask you out again. He has your number, after all.

Rather than hang about waiting for him, I’d go out and enjoy yourself and date other men. If this one is interested he’ll be back sharpish when he finds you aren’t hanging around waiting for his text or call.

And you’ll probably meet someone who is much better suited to you and, by the sounds of it, a little more mature.

Q: There is this guy and he is 18. I am 15. I like him and I told him I like him. He told me he thought I was attractive and he likes my personality. He is going to the military. What should I do? Should I just move on?

A: Given that you are below the legal age of consent, unfortunately, the answer from a mum would be ‘nothing’!

I know life doesn’t work quite like that though and you’re probably better off letting guys chase you rather than being quite so upfront. You told him you liked him and perhaps he felt he had to respond kindly? Even if he does like you I’m sure if he’s off on a military career the last thing he’ll want to do is jeopardise that by having a relationship with a minor.

It’s tough when you have a crush on someone but I think that’s what this is and your best course of action is to look for a boy closer to home.

Q: Should I give up on him & our friendship? He hasn’t been responding to my texts after he told me not to go beyond our friendship. All I did was tell him I feel sad & scared that he’ll ghost me one day just like his ex-girlfriend.

A: I think the fact that you mentioned the ex-girlfriend probably hinted quite loudly that you consider yourself as potential girlfriend material.

He has been quite honest with you and telling someone you feel sad and scared and worry about abandonment is quite a big thing for some people to cope with. I doubt he wants all that hassle and responsibility.

If you are unhappy or depressed then please talk to your family or close friends – or even see your doctor for some counselling and support. It is a tough place to be on your own.

But as for this guy, I don’t think he is capable of giving you what you need, nor particularly wants to.

Q: She wants to break from everything, which I give, no text, no call, etc. I’ve been distant for like a week. She went alone where we were supposed to go together. I posted a picture with a girl. She went mad. What should I do? What does she want?

A: She is clearly angry that you posted a picture with a girl. You don’t say who this girl is, nor what relationship you have with her but it has made your girlfriend suspicious.

I’m assuming you have apologised if you have done anything improper. If you haven’t, I would see her behaviour as a warning sign of what you will have to regularly cope with if you commit to her.

Until she calms down there is very little you can do and, frankly, if the picture was entirely innocent, I’d be moving swiftly on to someone new.

If there WAS something going on with the other girl then you’ve just learned a valuable lesson about what happens when a woman feels ‘scorned’.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 25. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

Problem Page Edition 24 – 2018

In problem page edition 24 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – whether it’s normal to still love your ex after 3 months, getting over a friend with benefits when you’re the one who’s cheating and whether you have any hope of marrying someone who blocks all your messages.

problem page edition 24 - dog next to a sign saying will you be my date?

Photo by Laula The Toller on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 24.

QIs it normal to still love my ex after 3 months?

A: I think it is. I once read that when you have loved someone you always have a psychic connection with them – and even if that’s not true, they are part of your history and you shared time on earth together.

3 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things so yes it is normal. You don’t say the circumstances of your breakup but you must decide whether to risk telling your ex you still have feelings or whether to lose yourself in friendships and hobbies till you find someone new.

If your ex left you for someone else, I would say that path is closed, but for any other reason, (aside from cruelty to you or any other form of abuse), surely it is worth another try?

Q: When we first broke up, my ex said that she still had feelings for me, but when I was being so needy she started dating another guy and told me she has no feelings for me anymore. She said that she needs time to grow. What do I do?

A: It sounds as if this girl is mucking you about, to be honest. Perhaps when you broke up she decided to keep you hanging around because she feared that she would not meet anybody else.

Now she has and no longer needs you as some form of security back-up.

Don’t be fobbed off with the old “I need time to grow” nonsense. She’s an adult. She should have done her growing.

I think you should just leave her to get on with her life with this new guy and find someone new who is interested in you and treats you with kindness.

Don’t be this girl’s lapdog. By the sound of it, removing yourself from her orbit and power will do you both a world of good and send a clear message to her that you are not somebody to be mucked around.

Q: How do I get over him? He was a friend with benefits, but he seems to have lost interest and my feelings for him are very strong. He is younger than me and he is the first man I’ve cheated with. What do I do?

A: Friends with benefits is not the same as a relationship and it sounds as if your feelings have developed whilst his, sadly, have not. If all there is in a relationship is sex, then it should be no surprise if boredom sets in after a while.

You say he is younger than you – is there some element of him being a bit of a trophy?

And what about your partner? Don’t their feelings count for anything? Do they know you are playing around?

I’d suggest some time on your own to decide what it is you want – and if it’s a NEW committed relationship, getting rid of the current partner and finding someone who wants more than just sex would seem sensible.

Q: Will my ex (an Aquarian) ever come back, even when things ended badly?

A: If I remember correctly, Aquarians are quite independent souls and like their own company but, seriously, rather than waste time mulling over star signs and compatibility, if you miss them, then apologise and see if there is any hope to rekindle the relationship.

When you say things ended badly, though, if you mean you cheated then they may not come back, no matter what their star sign.

And if they cheated on you, why would you want them back?

You don’t say what your star sign is but if astrology means that much to you, I’d be looking for a new partner from one of the other signs that are a great match to yours.

Q: What does it mean when a guy gives you a shoulder massage for four seconds and then tells you it was a joke, and then he does it to your friend who he considers a friend?

A: He sounds pretty hung up if he goes to that length to justify a 4-second long physical contact.

Sounds like he is interested and is worried about being rejected but his reaction is pretty odd.

And if you didn’t welcome his physical attention, then you need to put him straight as soon as possible.

Q: What should I do? My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because he’s depressed. He told me he needs to be alone for a while, that he still loves me and it hurts him to let me go.  But he did anyway. I’m confused, do you have any advice?

A: Either he is using his depression as an excuse or he is genuinely asking for time to sort himself out. It’s difficult to know.

He has, however, been quite clear about what he wants so I would leave him be for a while as he asks, to respect his wishes.

I would wait a month (no more) and then drop him a text or give him a quick call to see how things are.

If he still wants to be on his own, I think it’s probably time to move on. He knows where you are and if he wants you he will be in touch.

Q: How do I marry a person who blocks or ignores my messages?

A: It’s highly unlikely that you would succeed unless you find out why this person is blocking you and ignoring you and address the problem they have with you.

It sounds like you are unwilling to accept that they are not interested but your personal pride and self-esteem should dictate that you turn your attention elsewhere.

You deserve a marriage partner who loves you and actually wants to communicate with you, surely?

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 24. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

Problem Page Edition 23 – 2018

In problem page edition 23 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – when your so-called friends keep leaving you out, when the love of your life gets another girl pregnant and when you cheated on your girlfriend and now she wants some space.

problem page edition 23 - love in golden metal letters

Photo by Nathan Nichols on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 23.

Q: Does it mean he is blowing me off when he doesn’t respond to my text message in the morning and forgets about our date that night and I have to remind him?

A: It doesn’t sound great, does it? Particularly since you felt you had to remind him in the morning.

He’s not a child and perhaps he feels like he is being treated like one? No man is going to feel particularly sexy if he’s smothered.

If he has a history of letting you down, I wouldn’t waste any more time. Go and find a man who treats you like a woman, rather than his mum.

Q: A girl rejected me. I asked her if she would change her mind and she said she would think about me in the future. Is there any hope left for me to be with her?

A: I’m afraid I think she told you what you wanted to hear – particularly if you put pressure on her to change her decision.

You can’t force someone to like you. Try that and you’ll find they almost always run in the opposite direction.

Your best hope is to be friendly, keep a respectful distance and stop putting pressure on the girl.

In the meantime, look for someone who reciprocates your interest.

Q: Is it normal for me to feel bad when my friends exclude me from things (taking pictures together, doing stuff, etc)?

A: Of course it isn’t. In your shoes, I would be very cross indeed.

You don’t say how large your friendship group is but if there’s just a couple of you and you are being excluded I wouldn’t stand for it.

Ask why you are not included and if you don’t get a kind or acceptable answer, it’s time to find new friends.

Demand to be treated with respect. Take up hobbies and interests where you can meet new people with whom you have something in common.

And say bye bye to the mean girls and boys.

Q: If you cheated on your girlfriend and she broke up with you, saying she needs space and you didn’t give it to her, what do you do?

A: I think, to be honest, this is her way of telling you gently that it’s over.

If you valued her that much then perhaps you shouldn’t have cheated on her in the first place.

I think you might have to say goodbye to this one. You could try a heartfelt apology and I assume that you are no longer cheating?

But ‘asking for space’ is right up there with ‘it’s not you it’s me’ in terms of romantic cliches.

Your best bet is to do as she asks in the hope that she may change her mind, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Q: The love of my life hooked up with a girl and got her pregnant, he still wants me to be there for him as a friend because we have been friends for 4 years, what should I do?

A: If it were me, I’d say bye-bye. I’m assuming he knew how you felt but went off and got another girl pregnant anyway?

You say he wants you there ‘as a friend’ but I don’t imagine for one minute the mother of his child will see it that way.

For the sake of your feelings and to avoid, frankly, being used as a potential booty call when the girlfriend is heavily pregnant and has possibly gone off sex, I think you should do the best thing for you – wish him well but tell him you’re moving on.

Q: Will my ex Gemini boyfriend come back after being on and off and saying things weren’t the same anymore?

A: I really don’t see what his star sign has to do with it – I’m a Gemini myself and although we are supposed to be indecisive, in my experience whilst it takes a while to make a decision, one I’ve made it, that’s it.

I can tell you are really hurting but don’t spend hours mulling over horoscopes. He has been quite honest and told you things aren’t working for him.

Time to find someone new and more compatible – no matter what their star sign is.

Q: Is there any website where I can find my life partner or serious relationship?

A: I met my husband via Yahoo Personals in 2005 and 13 years later we’re happily married with two kids. It is perfectly possible to find a life partner, but there’s no magic bullet. You’ll meet all kinds of people on dating sites and you still have to do the legwork of getting to know them.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 23. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

How To Spice Up Your Long Term Romance

This year saw the nation gripped by the steamy goings-on in the TV reality show Love Island but, for those of us happily settled in long-term relationships or even recently coupled up, how do you keep the excitement going for longer than seven weeks in Majorca?

Love Island - Man and woman on a beach

Assuming you want your relationship to be more of a marathon than a sprint, here are some tips you could try.

It’s easy to let passion slide when you’re working hard to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head. In the early, heady stages of a relationship, everything is new and exciting. Each new thing you discover about your partner is a source of wonderment.  He can dismantle a car engine!  He can cook Eggs Benedict.  He knows how to put a wet towel on a towel rail!

Once, however, you’ve settled down into a routine and the novelty has worn off, those little things you found so wonderful might start to grate a bit.  I once had a boyfriend who loved to take vintage cars apart and had a Mark II Jaguar carburettor as a doorstop in his bedroom. Trust me, these hurt when you stub your toe on them in the dark.

So, how can you make passion last?

How to stay on your own Love Island

Maintain Your Personal Space

As the oft-cited excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s poem The Prophet goes:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music”.

Gibran was clearly a man who understood the importance of having a shed.

Don’t let your need for intimacy result in you both merging together completely so you wander around in his ‘n’ her sweatshirts whilst finishing each other’s sentences.

Hold on to your own life and the person you were before the relationship.  After all, that’s who your partner fell in love with, isn’t it? Giving up your friends and hobbies will make you resentful.

Try to keep a little mystery too – in our house toilet doors stay shut!

Keep Hold Of Your Own Dreams

Once in a relationship, our plans tend to encompass, understandably, our significant other and our family.  It’s also good, though, to keep hold of your dreams – the things YOU want to achieve as an individual – whether it’s writing that novel, starting your own design business or travelling to the places at the top of your travel bucket list possibly on your own.

I think this is particularly important for women and pursuing your own goals whether coupled up or not is certainly something I will be encouraging Caitlin to do when she’s older.

Protect Your Health & Beauty Routines

It’s very easy to let everything slide, isn’t it – especially once you’ve had kids and figure there isn’t anything let for your partner to see once he’s been with you in the birthing suite.

You don’t want to be too high maintenance of course but those girls on Love Island clearly have no qualms about ensuring their tans are topped up (fake I’m hoping), everything’s plucked and their summer wardrobes are glamorous and co-ordinated. Apparently just putting on a lighter weight t-shirt with your black leggings doesn’t cut it.

Just taking time out to paint your nails and pluck your eyebrows each week might make a difference to how you feel.  Body confidence is so important too.  Work to maintain the best weight for you and don’t let anyone put you off from wearing what you love – because that’s when you’ll look happiest and your personality will shine through.

Dressing table with mirror, makeup brushes and pink flowers in a vase

Revamp Date Night

The idea of a ‘date night‘ has become a bit of a cliche but time alone with your partner, particularly if you have kids, is really important.  Studies show that long-term couples who take part in ‘expanding activities’ which create new experiences and teach new skills, like a dance class, concert or skiing, are more likely to feel excited by their relationship than couples who always do the same thing.

Put your date night in your diaries and then take turns to choose an activity or location. Keep it secret too because the anticipation will help keep your relationship fresh and edgy.

Make Time For Intimate Time

Be realistic.  Spontaneity is quite a rare thing for most of us and you may have to schedule ‘intimate time’.  I’m not suggesting you stick it in your Google calendar (particularly if there’s a risk of accidentally syncing with your company’s calendar), nor creating a chart with stickers and achievement awards on the fridge – although if that works for you, go for it.  Why not write little love notes with paragraphs for your crush and hide them under their pillow? After all, that’s what your partner used to be, right?

Don’t Let Disagreements Fester

Equally important is making sure that problems are talked about and those things that irritate the heck out of you are mentioned.  If your partner doesn’t know that leaving nail clippings on the floor is likely to render you incandescent with rage, he will keep doing it.

From the questions I receive on my problem page, not phoning or texting enough (or too much), never offering to pay for a meal and being mean with compliments are all flashpoints.

Man and woman walking down a beach

Ignore your age

Seriously.  Love, romance and desire are not the property of the young.  They may be glossier, their teeth may be whiter but desire starts in the brain and those extra years on the clock will give you a definite head start with that.

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Problem Page Edition 22 – 02/06/2018

In problem page edition 22 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – when your ex keeps texting but doesn’t want to meet, whether you can get your ex back after 8 months when they already have someone new and how to tell your friend that they really annoy you.

problem page edition 22 - bunch of pink rosebuds in a white basket

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 22.

Q: What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant/your significant other was pregnant?

A: I was very happy both times. I had my kids at 43 and 45 with natural conceptions so it was a bit of a miracle both times. I am my husband’s second wife and he had come out of a long childless marriage. We had both assumed it would never happen but happily, it did. I wrote about it here

Q: Why does my ex-boyfriend text me from time to time but doesn’t want to meet me?.

A: To keep you dangling by the sound of it. If he doesn’t want to meet you what explanation could there be other than this is a power trip for him?

If you don’t need him in your life any more, I’d just ignore the text and, if it bothers you, change your phone number.

You can stop this if you choose.

I’d also be tempted to ask HIM why he keeps texting.

Q: Even after our break up, my ex and I still talk every now and then. However, he treats me coldly, as if I were a stranger. Our conversations are always superficial. Why can’t he be honest about what/how he feels?

A: It sounds as if, by treating you coldly, he IS being honest. Could it be that you just don’t want to accept it’s over?

He is clearly no longer interested so rather than put yourself through this, upset yourself, and giving him the satisfaction of knowing you’re still clinging on, I’d be as cold to him as he is to you.

And to be quite frank, avoid him. If he hasn’t got the maturity to be polite, is he really worth your time?

Either way. Time to move on.

Q: Ex broke up with me after 3 years. We hung out and hook up for 3 months but then we got into a fight about a guy she starting to see. She blocked me on everything after. Is there any chance of getting her back in the future? Is this a rebound?

A: It doesn’t sound as if it is a rebound. I am not quite sure what you mean by a ‘hook up’ – do you mean she was unfaithful to her new boyfriend with you?

It sounds as if, by blocking you, she is telling you quite clearly that she has made her choice and, in your shoes, I’d leave her to it.

If she is interested in taking you back, she’ll unblock you from her social accounts soon enough, but why hang around and give her the satisfaction of knowing you’re putting your life on hold for her?

Go out, enjoy yourself and date other people. 3 years is a long time and it will take a while to get over it, but try to enjoy your freedom. There’ll be someone new soon enough.

Q: Is it possible to get an ex back 8 months after a breakup when he has started dating someone new?

A: If the ex in question has made no attempt to contact you, to stay in touch or to see you then it’s pretty clear they have moved on.

It’s always really difficult when we want our ex back but after 8 months it doesn’t look too hopeful.

Are you sure you don’t want him back because he has found someone new – and possibly you haven’t? That’s not a good reason to take someone back, you know, because the reasons why you broke up will still be there.

I would concentrate on going out, having a good time and looking for someone new.

Q: What should I think of my boyfriend liking two old pictures of a girl on Instagram?

A: How do you know? In your shoes, I’d be slightly miffed but if you have been snooping through his insta feed asking him about it might lead to a difficult conversation.

It’s possible he knows this girl and if he knows you see his account a bit tactless I think.

I’d try not to read too much into it but if something is making you feel uneasy, I’d keep an eye on him. Sometimes our instincts sound alarm bells when there isn’t actually anything specific to relate to but in my experience, it pays to listen to them.

Q: How do I tell my friend that he annoys me with the way he acts towards me without hurting his feelings?

A: Just be honest and upfront and say “stop doing that you’re getting on my nerves” or “I love you but you drive me nuts when”. If he doesn’t know then he can’t stop it, can he?

If he does know he’s annoying you then he’s either got an odd sense of humour or is a pain in the butt – in which case, I’d query whether I’d want to hang out with him.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 22. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons

Problem Page Edition 21 -2018

In problem page edition 21 of 2018 from your online relationship coach – when you’re dating a man who earns much less than you, why your ex texts you every day even though he broke it off and when your ex is creating drama by insulting you and your best friend.

problem page edition 21 - pink and blue speckled hearts on a pink background

Photo by Akshar Dave on Unsplash

If you would like any advice, just message me or add a comment at the end of this post and I will answer selected questions on this problem page.

Here are the questions for problem page edition 21.

Q: We ended on pretty normal terms. It’s been two weeks and I really miss him. Should I ask my ex-boyfriend to get back together when I was the one that broke up with him? I won’t know if he feels the same way if I don’t try, right?

A: Absolutely. But before you get back in touch you need to be really clear on why you broke up. Did you get bored? Was he a flirt? Did you argue all the time?

The reasons why won’t have gone away in just two weeks which, is nothing in the grand scale of things, to see if you are actually happier without him.

Are you sure you just don’t like being single or the thought of having to go through the dating machine again?

There’s also a risk that if you broke his heart he won’t want you back but, as you say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Just be sure you understand why you broke up or you’ll risk upsetting him all over again.

Q: How should I deal with my ex-boyfriend who’s creating drama by insulting me and my best friend? I caught him cheating and I broke up with him.

A: Your ex is behaving like a child and, frankly, treating him like one is probably the best approach.

When you say he is creating drama is he just insulting you and your friend – or is he doing it in public or on social media (I’m assuming you’ve blocked him)?

Like a child having a tantrum, the best approach is to ignore it or to tell him he’s behaving like a child and it’s time to grow up.

Insults are just words – sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me – as we say over here.

If it starts to become more than that then enlist support from friends and family and if there is the slightest hint of violence report him to the police.

I would talk to your family in any case.

Q: What do I do if my ex-boyfriend said he threw my stuff out that I wanted back?

A: I doubt there is much you can do. It very much depends on whether you can prove ownership of the things he threw out – in which case you may have a legal claim.

Are the things he’s thrown out valuable or sentimental? Do you know for sure that he has actually thrown them or is this some sort of threat to get you back round there?

Either way, this doesn’t sound a pleasant situation and, gutting though it is, in your shoes I would rather lose the stuff and be completely rid of him than have to spend months arguing in order to get a little money back.

Q: I’m dating a nice guy. He already married once. Unfortunately, he is not at the same level as me. All his expenses will be my duty to pay because he is broke. Financially, we are not the same. Should I give up on this?

A: Firstly, it is not your DUTY to pay his bills. It is his duty to live within his means and learn how to budget. You are not his mother.

It’s difficult when one of you earns heaps more than the other but if you really like him you need to discuss this upfront and check that he’s not with you because he sees you as an answer to his debts.

I take it he is paying alimony or childcare to his first wife so it sounds like a bit of a messy situation.

If you are already paying for everything (meals out, cinema, theatre tickets, buying him clothes), I’d be very wary.

In your shoes, to be honest, unless he was really, really special, I think I’d look for someone else!

Q: Why has my boyfriend texted me every day since he’s broke up with me?

A: Why did you break up? Was he unfaithful?

It sounds as if he is really regretting the break-up but if he treated you badly then that’s no reason to take him back.

If you don’t want him back then you need to gently extricate yourself from these texts.

Simply don’t respond. Hit that delete button.

If he still doesn’t get the message a quick call to say it’s time to move on and leave you alone is in order.

If you do want him back, stop playing text tag and pick up the phone.

Q: What does it mean that after sleeping together for the 1st time, he still hangs out and texts every day but he also has some kind of space?

A: Some people are able to separate love and sex so whilst you might have thought it would be all hearts and flowers and an increased level of intimacy, it may not have been the same for him.

Are you sure he is not just being himself whilst you are piling on romantic hopes and stressing yourself unnecessarily?

Relationships take time to build and very often the first time you sleep together isn’t that brilliant because you simply don’t know enough about what the other person likes.

Try to relax and give it some time and try not to pressurise him – particularly if you are wondering about a long-term future, weddings, babies, puppies, a home together …..

You’ll scare the bloke off.

Q: Will my ex-boyfriend get curious if I stop messaging him? I normally message first after we broke up and ask all the time.

A: I’m sorry to say I think he might be quite relieved. Why are you still chasing him? If he really wanted to come back don’t you think he would have by now?

You deserve better than this you know. Stop chasing a man who clearly isn’t interested. Delete his number and if he’s interested he’ll contact you.

At the moment, you’re just making yourself look a little desperate by chasing him all the time and he has all the power, doesn’t he?

Breaking up is hard – there’s no easy way around it – but constantly chasing in the hope he’ll change his mind rarely works.

Make yourself mysterious. Be aloof. Let him wonder what’s going on by all means, but understand that it doesn’t mean he’ll come rushing back.

I hope you enjoyed Problem Page Edition 21. You can find more dating advice from your online relationship coach in these posts:-

Dating:  11 Ways To Tell They’re Really Into You

 6 Signs Your Dating Buddy Isn’t On Your Side

32 Ways To Tell They’re Just Not That Into You

Problem Page 10 - pink flowers and macaroons